July 3rd, 2009
85 degrees and 56 percent humidity. Three of the best boys in the world out of school and on adventures. A waterpark less than an hour from home. A whole day to be a mom in the best sense of the word: relaxed, happy, carefree, ready to play - all daily worries set aside in favor of magic.
I haven’t felt life so simply and sweetly since we first arrived back in the States as a newly single mom and I had a good, long temp assignment, a little time for the kid, no pressures but to make our new life work.
I hope you 4th of July weekend is as wonderful as ours. Independence, indeed.
xxoo
Solomother
Tags: 4th of july, holiday, relax, vacation
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By christina -- 0 comments
July 2nd, 2009
Tonight after dinner on the roof beneath a rainbow sky, my mother played some old videos of the King of Everything. We watched and laughed as this cute, little, little guy did science ’spermints at the kitchen sink. Mom took the video maybe two years ago. I miss that little kid.
When my ex and I split up, he kept the video camera… and all the videos I’d taken of the King of Everything since he was a baby. I haven’t seen them since. Videos of how he used to crawl like lightning to find the vacuum cleaner, crowing with laughter at the growly noise. How he used to love to crinkle up newspaper. How he learned to walk. It’s all there on film somewhere, but I can’t see it. And neither can my son, though he often asks for stories of when he was a baby. I wish we could watch them together.
Consider, if you split up with the father of your child: who gets the memories? Make arrangements to have important memories like these duplicated. I’m sure it would make my son happy to watch his parents in better days.
Tags: assets, division of assets, divorce, home movies, kids, memories, single-mom, single-mother, video tape
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By christina -- 0 comments
June 30th, 2009
It’s been a hellish week, and it’s only Tuesday. I can’t even imagine what the rest of this mercifully short, but torturously long week will be like. I’ve been in tears more than once, I’m Grumpy and Itchy and Snappy and Snarky, and a variety of other dwarves that Snow White didn’t like as much as the original seven. I don’t want to be a burden on my friends, who have heard quite enough from me lately, thank you very much…
So what’s a single mother to do?
My mother was telling me about a meditation technique she had read, of picturing things that bring you real joy. She thought that perhaps she wouldn’t focus on people, because the joy they bring can also bring pain. She thought she’d meditate on her beautiful condo, on the art she creates, on her rooftop garden. You’re supposed to spend some amount of time in quiet contemplation of whatever brings you the most joy, and in as little as two weeks, you’ll feel a major lift in your spirits.
Only, the way things stand right now, there are few things that bring me joy. My home has been ruined by rainwater flooding, the floors buckled so badly you can see the subfloor beneath. I just got my bloodwork back from my doctor, and I have to change the way I eat — blood sugar and bad cholesterol too high, so back to low/no carbs for a while, and a mandate to lose 15 pounds in two months. So food isn’t as joyful as it should be, and I’m not relishing the kinds of desserts I’d like to make for the 4th of July. My job is chaos, my hobbies abandonned…
So instead, I will meditate on where I want to be. What I need from this life of mine. How I can get there. I have a dream, ladies. I have a dream to help young people actually create the change they want to see in the world.
I think I’ll go focus on that, whenever the tears sneak up on me.
How do you keep your chin up, single mothers? What do you meditate upon when your kids drive you crazy, the bills are due, the paycheck’s late, and the toilet is backed up again? Tell us. We all need a little more beauty, calm and peace in the world.
Tags: meditation, positive-thinking, single-mom, single-mother
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By christina -- 4 comments
June 29th, 2009
I had the great fortune to spend a week on vacation with sometimes up to five different families under one roof. The youngest child was under three, the oldest almost 11. There were adopted babies. There were grandparents. There was even a Great Ridiculous Dog. And then there was me and the King of Everything, new to most of them, nervous and wondering where in the world all these people came from. Add a very rainy week that drove us indoors 80% of the time and you have a recipe for potential disaster. How did we do? And how did we do it?
Read More - Some thoughts on blended family
Tags: adopted children, blended family, single-mom, single-mother, step children
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By christina -- 1 comment
June 28th, 2009
I don’t know how we survived the long drive to and from Maine this week. Insane. I’ve got a few ideas on that, and wanted to share a few tips that will help you out when you pile the progeny into the car and take off for all the points on the compass… because your vacation will be an Ultimate FAIL if you come back with fewer kids than you started out with. Here are a few ideas to keep everyone IN the car as you hurdle down the highway…
Read More - Travel tips for summer vacation
Tags: driving, family vacation, long road trips with kids, vacation
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By christina -- 1 comment
June 27th, 2009
- Three kids, two adults, one car and over five hundred miles in one day is a very, very long drive
- It’s absolutely possible to have fun for a week of rain in a rented house with three, sometimes five kids and three toddlers
- My son is a very good boy and deserves praise, not punishment (see numbers 1 and 10)
- I am kinder than I gave myself credit for
- My son can go out into the ocean without me hovering right by his side every second of the adventure… he’s just fine
- The decisions I make must always be for our good, and no one else’s
- I love blueberry pie
- Maine is one of my favorite places on this Earth
- Wear sunscreen
- Three sunburned kids, two sunburned adults, one faithful car and over 500 miles in one day is a very long day indeed
Tags: blended family, summer vacation
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By christina -- 1 comment
June 25th, 2009
Last week, I asked you to tell me who you are, single mothers. How did you get here? Did you choose? Did you lose? Were you married, divorced, widowed, none of the above?
My story is pretty simple, and if you haven’t lived the bone-crushing agony of loss, the numbing sensation of being trapped and forsaken by time itself, you might think mine is a pretty amazing story.
But it’s not, really. People ask me how I do it, and seem to want to praise me — and single mothers like me, and you — for doing my job.
And from the first time I sat down and cried myself to sleep over this incomprehensible loss, to the day I realized I’d finally found home; from the morning my ex forced me to discuss our breakup in a cafe on the Champs Elysee where everyone could watch me cry, to the afternoon when I realized it would be difficult, but it would be all right; all along the way, I have learned, I have loved, I have passed on what I know.
You, single mothers, single fathers, and kind people everywhere, are my tribe.
Tags: single-mom, single-mother, solomother, who am I
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By christina -- 2 comments
June 24th, 2009
By now you might have noticed I’m on VACATION! And that means on a vacation from everything. I don’t even have access to the Internet. I’m romping through the lovely coast of Maine with children and families and too much love and laughter to be contained.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about you. Have you thought about safety in your home? I learned that an old friend of mine had fallen asleep in his New Orleans home… a fire broke out, and he couldn’t get out because all his windows were barred. His front and back doors were barred — and he couldn’t find the keys. He died.
When we first moved into this amazing apartment, I noticed all our windows had bars on them. I went to what was to be my son’s room, and looked. One of his windows has a safety lock on the bars. If ever we had to escape from his room, we’d be OK.
What do you need to be safe? Here are some Solomother postings on safety and the single mom:
Got a tip? Let me know in the comments!
Tags: dealing with emergencies, safety, single-mom, single-mother, single-parent
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By christina -- 0 comments
June 23rd, 2009
If you’re a single parent whose former partner has bailed on the whole “involved parenting” thing, you’re not alone. Recently, my son — the King of Everything — was pretty angry at his father, who lives in another country. While I’m glad he feels comfortable enough with me to express his anger, I wish he could talk to his father about it. I’ve listened patiently to this six year old boy as he rages against how unfair and unkind it is that his father doesn’t call him often, never writes, hasn’t come to visit him in over a year. “I guess he has more important stuff to do than me, huh,” was his irritated comment a few nights ago. I haven’t even told him that his father is living with a woman who has children. I haven’t told him his father is living with someone, period. But I’m sure it’s going to rock my little kid’s world to find out that his father does nothing to take care of him, and yet has two full-time stepchildren on his hands in his new life.
Yeah. That’s going to go over well.
When your child expresses anger or disappointment about a parent, there’s a fine line every engaged guardian has to walk. While you shouldn’t take it as an opportunity to bash the neglectful parent, you don’t have to defend his or her behavior, either. Kids are smart. Don’t insult them by trying to white wash things or cover for a bad parent. But don’t take advantage of disappointment to vent your own bitterness and disappointment. It’s not your turn. Let your child say what she has to say, and then provide a space where you can discuss the emotions, the motives, and the consequences in a supportive way. Make sure your child knows that a parent’s bad behavior has nothing to do with the child, and everything to do with the parent. And above all, make sure your child knows that no matter, what, he can always count on you.
Tags: absent parents, bad parents, deadbeat-dad, disappointed kid, single-mom, single-mother, single-parent
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By christina -- 5 comments
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