Angry
I’ve been staring at this keyboard for what seems hours, now, wondering how to deal with this. The ex called today. I saw it was his phone number and just passed my son the phone, saying, “It’s for you.” I didn’t even bother to talk to him because really, how many times can I be lied to without feeling like a complete and total idiot after a while? I know my ex has no respect for me. It’s why we broke up. But what I don’t understand is why I’m supposed to just take it when he goes on his European vacations and hasn’t paid child support for six months. Why? Why do I have to always be the one to ask him where his son’s money is, and why do I have to believe him when he says he’ll send it next week?
So I don’t even ask anymore. But thank god that man only calls once a month or so, because I spend the days he does call so furious I can’t think straight. And that’s really what this post is about.
My son is too young for me to explain to him why I’m angry. One time, when he’d been asking and asking and asking why we couldn’t go on vacation or go fly over the ocean to visit his other grandmother, I told him the truth, and told him that his father hadn’t been helping take care of him, and I didn’t have enough money to pay for a big fancy vacation. It was more truth that I’d wanted to tell him, and less truth than I could have. I’m using my savings to pay for groceries, and the ex is flying to Corsica for a family vacation.
After the ex called this morning, I was irritated with my son all day; we both behave differently after his father has popped back into his life. He’s less respectful and I’m less patient. We tug and pull at each other, when the moments before that damned phone rang we’d been racing around the house with various percussion instruments seeing who could make the most noise and laughing like wild things.
What I have to figure out is how to compartmentalize this all better. I have to figure out how to button down the angries and keep them out of my son’s life. He is not his father. He’s an amazing, brilliant, sparkling, life-loving boy. If I have to call my parents and say, “The ex called and I’m furious, can you take the boy while I go beat up something in the gym for a few hours,” then I will. But tonight sucked, and I finally admitted to my son that his father makes me angry, and it has nothing to do with his relationship with that man, and everything to do with mine. I’m sorry you’re only five, baby, and need explanations at all. But you have to know this has nothing to do with you. I hope I made that clear tonight.
Why is it that my parents and I do everything for that boy, and yet his father can waltz into his life, lie and deflect and bull his way through life, and my kid still adores him? I guess I must be doing something right. I guess I must be upholding some vision of fatherhood my son buys into. But I’m angry about it. And somehow, I just have to eat it. The vacations, the flights, the visits to see his son without paying a dime of child support. And all the self-deluded crap he shovels about why we aren’t married anymore. I love being a mother, and I love being single when faced with the facts of that hellhole of a marriage. Single mothers shouldn’t have to take on deadbeat dads. It’s just too much to burden on top of all the other fights we get to fight.
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POSTED IN: child support, divorce
20 opinions for Angry
laura
Sep 14, 2008 at 9:08 pm
You are an exceptional mother, Christina. Right now, you’re on mile six or seven of the single mother marathon, but when you and KoE cross that finish line, he’ll know what you did for him. And through your selflessness, he’ll know how to be a better dad himself.
It sucks having to be the one to break the cycle, but the reward is knowing that you broke the cycle, and that you did it for the noblest of reasons - love.
christina
Sep 14, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Oh, Laura. Thank you. I don’t feel like a good mother right now. I suppose at the heart of it, keeping my son’s opinion of his father high requires that I lie, and lies are what destroyed my marriage in the first place. It’s all so nasty. I don’t want to be a part of it.
Thrifty Karen
Sep 15, 2008 at 12:41 am
I think we should get all the dead beat dads together and have a flogging!
Sorry you’re having a crappy evening.
Ike
Sep 15, 2008 at 8:20 am
Hi Christina - is there anything you can do to get the child support from him? I think you have said that he is international … seems like there should be something you could do so he can’t get away with this.
Hang in there!
Kelly
Sep 15, 2008 at 1:39 pm
“I’m sorry you’re only five, baby, and need explanations at all.” - SIGH, I know. Our kids should not have to worry about these kinds of things, but there it is. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth, like that his dad makes you angry or that he’s not paying support. We have to be honest with our kids or they’ll be in for a shock when they eventually learn the truth (and they will).
I think the trouble comes when we start adding our own opinion to the mix, so I try to keep it just the facts with my daughter. It sounds like you do the same. You seem to be a really great mom!
Dr. Leah
Sep 15, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Gee, telling your child lies?
You are really at a developmental crossroad here with your son.
What kind of “lies” are you telling?
Can we help you come up with ways to talk to KoE without further diminishing yourself?
Let’s all pull together and help you!
christina
Sep 15, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Dr. Leah, I don’t lie to my son–but I don’t tell him the whole truth, either. To preserve his ability to make his own decisions about his father, I don’t give him the blasted truth about his own dad. Unfortunately, his dad’s pretty good at that. Case in point, he promised he’d call the Kid today. Did he? No. This little guy remembers stuff like that. The KoE walked around this morning with my phone in his hand, waiting for a call I knew would never come. I asked him what he would do if his father didn’t call, and he said, “Be disappointed.” Fair enough.
Is it my obligation to protect my son by reminding his father of his promise? No. But neither am I going to give my little guy the unvarnished version of my side of the truth.
It’s a difficult tightrope to walk. Thank god the little guy has so many loving friends and family to show him what family should be.
Calvin Warr
Sep 15, 2008 at 8:44 pm
I feel for you. Don’t be angry. Focus on that which is good - your son. Live your lives happy and free.
christina
Sep 15, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Karen, it would be easier if some other aspect of my life weren’t so berloody difficult right now. Sigh. time to find another trash novel to lose myself in.
christina
Sep 15, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Hey, Ike, I’m navigating the ins and outs of what I can do. There is some recourse, but not enough. And since I know what sort of not honorable person he is, I also know that all I can do is keep on, and not expect anything from him in the way of fathering or help. Bah.
christina
Sep 15, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Kelly, I know what you go through to just stick to the facts. It sucks, doesn’t it.
I think I need to go iron a mountain of clothes and watch stupid tv.
L~
Sep 15, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Hang in there! It was difficult the first few weeks after my ex walked out on us…there were a few times when I snapped at my son b/c he kept asking for Daddy J. Give yourself some leeway and remember that you are human. Tell the KoE that you love him and that sometimes mommies have hard times. Keep up the good fight! Hugs!
christina
Sep 15, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Calvin, thanks. Sometimes, it’s just as easy as that. Sometimes, it’s not.
christina
Sep 15, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Hey, lady L. It’s only been two years since everything changed. Only two years. But sometimes, the crap still dumps on us, don’t it. I’ll just have to shovel faster. Thanks!
America
Sep 15, 2008 at 11:23 pm
I never fought my ex for support. I have my son about 70% of the time and I manage to scrape by. The ex makes about 8 times what I make which galls me sometimes… No big vacations, though I have managed to go visit my parents. It is worth it to me not to have to deal with, or be disappointed by my ex and his crappy attitude.
Amanda
Sep 16, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I can totally sympathize with you. I have a father who spent most of my childhood pulling the same bull on me. My mother tried to shield me from it the best she could, but as I became older I caught on to my father. You are your son’s angel right now and I am so sorry to hear about the child’s father. It happens way too much these days, and I think there outta be harsher punishments for being a dead-beat. Your son is very lucky to have a caring, loving mother to protect him. Stay strong sister, and don’t give up on the jerk. Perhaps you could hire an attorney to help win the battle. God bless you and your family, I wish you the best of luck. And remember, for what a jerk the child’s father is- you make up in being a good mother. That’s all he truly needs in the long-run.
dedee
Sep 17, 2008 at 3:28 pm
if you are angry then tell it. otherwise your child will think you are angry about him/her. thats why i am trying to tell most of the truth ;) and sometime i am wondering how they can deal with that.
Eric
Sep 18, 2008 at 7:49 am
In my country a woman may approach a court which can order an ex-spouse to pay maintenance. The court, if it deems that the complaint is justified can order the ex to pay maintenance which may include a garnishee order on his salary. You may even attach any policies or debts due to him. If he continues to refuse to pay maintenance then you can obtain a warrant of execution against his movable property. If he continues to refuse to pay maintenance you may then lay a criminal charge against him whereupon he may be liable to a prison sentence of up to 1 year. Obviously if your ex is imprisoned it does not necessarily mean that you will obtain your maintenance. However, the court usually gives him the option of paying all of the arrears to escape such a fate. He will still be liable to a fine.
Do you have any such recourse in the USA?
Vivienne Quek
Sep 19, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Stay strong. Your anger will not change him nor will it make you happier. Rather than wasting time getting frustrated over the guy, channel your energy loving and caring your little boy. He deserves your attention, not his father.
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