Solo Mother

Appreciate what you have

by christina on June 10th, 2007

I’ve been vaguely angry all week, and I’ve been a whirling dervish, too. So it wasn’t until yesterday evening that I found the space, the peace and quiet, to burrow down into my own soul and confront what was eating me.

As usual, it was my ex.

Dammit. I don’t want to try to understand him and have sympathy for him anymore. But it sneaks up on me every once in a while. This, however, wasn’t what was eating me. It was a complicated anger, and I think I’ve untangled the threads. Here goes.

While I do think we are happier apart, I still believe we could have hashed out some sort of truce and understanding if he had agreed to go to counseling with me. A disinterested third party would have helped us learn how to communicate with each other, because by the time we started to try to talk to each other about what was wrong, it was far too late, and we were speaking foreign languages. I’m angry about that. I’m angry that our marriage wasn’t given every chance to mend and survive.

Unappreciated. I certainly know I felt that way, and I know my ex did, too. I think that house wives and house husbands get the short end of the stick because our work isn’t paid. It doesn’t have an assigned dollar amount attached to it, so folks have a hard time appreciating the amount of hard work and sacrifice that goes into raising children and managing a home. My former husband felt that he worked damned hard and long hours, and was entitled to time off when he was at home. I felt that I worked damned hard, long hours, no pay, and a part time job to boot, and was entitled to time off when he was home. But that’s not really what I’m angry about. I now work 50-60 hours a week for an amazing firm. Part of me chooses to work these hours, because that’s the difference between a decent job and an excellent one. Sometimes, there’s just no avoiding it. I’m angry because I work the kind of hours my husband works, but I don’t have the same luxury he did, of someone at home to make the food, clean the house, deal with the kid. When he came home, he felt he was entitled to some time off from all of us. I think he really did feel that he had done his job, at work, and didn’t understand why his wife and child were so miserable when he didn’t make any effort to connect with them. It’s nothing malicious on his part; it’s rather old fashioned of him.  What I wouldn’t give for a house husband right now. A great cook, good with the kid, glad to see me when I get home in the evening. You better believe I wouldn’t take him for granted.

All this to say, if you’re thinking of getting divorced because you feel unappreciated… go get some counseling. Sometimes, it will actually open your eyes, your hearts, and your mouths. You might learn that the chasm between  you is just a trick of the light. You might just learn to appreciate what each of you contributes to the marriage.

Share This

Related Stories

No related posts

POSTED IN: career, divorce