Solo Mother

Are children from ‘broken’ homes more likely to be abused?

by christina on November 18th, 2007

An article came out over the AP wire yesterday that has me sad and worried. Abuse Risk Seen Worse as Families Change, the article declares. ABC News has picked up the story, with a dramatic photo of a young, tatooed mother mourning at her small son’s grave.

I’m wondering, what is going on? Are single mothers so desperate for the companionship, financial support, and attention of a man that they are blinding themselves to their chosen partner’s shortcomings? From David Crary’s article, a frightening glimpse into what can happen when a woman makes the wrong choice, for whatever reasons:

“I’ve seen many cases of physical and sexual abuse that come up with boyfriends, stepparents,” said Eliana Gil, clinical director for the national abuse-prevention group Childhelp.

“It comes down to the fact they don’t have a relationship established with these kids,” she said. “Their primary interest is really the adult partner, and they may find themselves more irritated when there’s a problem with the children.”

That was the case with Jayden Cangro.

In July 2006, his mother’s boyfriend, Phillip Guymon, hurled the 2-year-old nine feet across a room in Murray, Utah, because he balked at going to bed. The child died from his injuries.

Jayden’s mother, Carly Moore, has undergone therapy since the killing. Yet she continues to second-guess herself about her two-year relationship with Guymon.

“There’s so much guilt,” she said in a telephone interview. “I never saw him hit my kids, ever. But he was gruff in his manner — there were signs that he wasn’t most pleasant person for kids to be around.”

I’m not pointing fingers at this woman. God knows, she’s got enough to deal with, and I’m not going to condemn her. Her boyfriend threw her child across the room.

But please, single mothers everywhere, please. Listen to yourself. If there is something about the situation you are in that makes you uncomfortable, then extracate yourself as quickly as possible. Don’t wait for grave harm to come to you or your children before you try to save yourselves. I mean, come on. There’s a reason we’re single parents, isn’t there? Either our original partners were not right for us, or we knew that the atmosphere in the house with our children’s birth father wasn’t healthy… so we got divorced… or we never married the baby’s father in the first place because we knew the relationship wasn’t a good thing for a child… or we lost that loving father to death and have to pick up the pieces… or we chose to have a child independent of a father’s involvement because we never met Mr. Right and weren’t going to settle for Mr. Good Enough…

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? As a single parent, we should be constantly, but not obsessively, checking our inner yardstick to be sure we are not repeating any painful mistakes and lessons of our past. Until you, as a woman, a human being, and a mother, are strong enough, vibrant and confident enough in yourself; until you know the true value of your own self, and can measure your self-worth in healthy decisions, careful choices, and a better life for you and your children; please, don’t shack up with that guy. Please don’t settle for someone who eases your loneliness at the expense of your safety.

Being a single parent is hard. It’s exhausting. It’s demanding. It’s never-ending. You don’t have anyone you can hand off the annoying kid to, or snuggle up to in the middle of the night and share your worries about Jr. with. It’s just you. Until you’re strong enough to handle just you, don’t bring someone else into your life.

And when you do think you’ve found the right partner in your life, please go to marriage and family counseling together. Blending families is hard work. Do the hard work before you say “I do”, or sign the lease together, or whatever constitutes a commitment to this new person in your lives.

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POSTED IN: PSA, abuse