Baby Blues
Most of the women I knew when I was pregnant with, or nursing, the King of Everything, have at least two children now. One of the things I am angriest about in this divorce debacle is the fact that I’ll more than likely not have any more children. I’m not getting any younger, and running the numbers makes my hair turn grey even faster. There’s nothing bionic about me. I don’t think I’ll live forever.
My husband never came right out and said he didn’t want any more children, not until he’d stolen my private journal entries and read some of my rage. Then he tried to turn it on me, saying I’d even written I didn’t want any more kids. What he so conveniently overlooked was that I’d finally admitted that I didn’t want any more kids… with him. Our marriage was FUBAR, and I couldn’t bring another child into that mess, unless we both did a huge amount of work on the happily ever after part of our relationship.
If I were a career woman, with a solid track record behind me and a future of glorious promotions ahead of me, I might just damn the torpedos and steam full speed ahead into second-time, single motherhood, without the complications and trappings and traps of marriage. I can’t guarantee any safety and security for my only child, right now, let alone two. There’s a huge ache where a boisterous family should have been. If only I could win the lottery or come up with the next Harry Potter thing, I’d be making like Angelena Jolie and coming up with kids every which way.
Instead, I’m getting my baby fixes by offering to hold and snuggle someone else’s. Today in the park I got my fix but good, laughing and snuggling with a six month old, a couple of 19 - 20 monthers, and a few lovely kids around my son’s age. It was the first gathering of single parents in my neighborhood, and I hope the clan grows. It takes a village to raise a kid, and my kid was thrilled to meet some who were just like him. I’m going to reluctantly shower off that good baby smell and get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day on the job hunt. I need to be ready whenever opportunity presents itself. (Someone please tell Opportunity to knock once and just walk right in, please? I’m running out of my savings.)
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POSTED IN: grief, mother's guilt, parenting
8 opinions for Baby Blues
Ratphooey
Jan 7, 2007 at 10:18 pm
I hear you.
Before I got pregnant with #2, our marriage was going through a rough spot. Don’t have another child now, while the future is uncertain, I told myself.
But I’m so glad we had the first one, and I’m glad about #2, too. The future is NEVER certain. I have a good job and an even better support system, and I know we’ll all be fine, regardless of what happens.
I wish you the job security you need to create the life you want.
Jessi
Jan 7, 2007 at 10:40 pm
Just hang in there. Really. I’m sure you keep hearing that or at least you keep trying to tell yourself that, but I mean it. As I skim through your posts, I realize that many of the things you’re saying and doing, are exactly what my mother did….they’re what I watched as she struggled to give me the best life possible. And just as you think that Opportunity won’t be knocking for you…that all is lost or that you don’t have anywhere else to turn for resources…it’ll be there. You’ve just gotta hang on…
christina
Jan 7, 2007 at 11:10 pm
Phooey, Phooey! I’m so thrilled that #2 is coming for you. I know things have been rough, but I know you’ll work them out, and that whatever happens you are strong and wonderful and will be the best.
:) cause I know that, like I know that the stars are shining somewhere tonight!
christina
Jan 7, 2007 at 11:11 pm
Jessi, Thanks. I’m curious. What did your mom do? How did she do it? How did she get through? My mom was a single mother for the first few years of my life, and she worked as a cocktail waitress at a jazz club. She found a wonderful man who could love us and keep us safe. And she did a great job, herself.
Carrie
Jan 8, 2007 at 9:01 am
I know how you feel, all the mums in my mothers group are on their second =s
I am envious, and cuddle them all the time, so clucky lol..
I always swore I would never have just one (I am an only haha) and here we are =) I am happy though, and who knows, I may win the lotto this week and buy a safety net, and some sperm lol!
xx
christina
Jan 8, 2007 at 9:46 am
I got to snurfle an adorable little six month old pixie yesterday. She was so fiesty and smiley and just the right size. Sigh. Carrie, I hope you win the lottery tomorrow! Though I think I prefer making babies the old fashioned way, I do know a woman who just warmed some baby-makin’ DNA under her arm, moved it to a more effective place et voila! Her son is adorabobble!
angel
Jan 8, 2007 at 3:45 pm
my darling boy is going on 16- and i long ago made peace with the fact that i would not be having any more children. had i met someone when damien was little- who i thought would be good enough for us (heh heh)- i may have considered it, but once he reached about 7 years old i decided i wouldn’t be playing mommy to anyone but damien.
i am godmother to 4 children (a job i take very seriously) and i spoil them and my friends and family’s kidlets rotten!
christina
Jan 8, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Angel, your boy is lovely, I like to read about your adventures. I dunno. I’m going to have to shelve all this along with so much else and just move one step at a time. Get divorced would be the first step. Win the lottery is the second step. then we’ll see. ;-)
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