Be very careful what you say…
Digging around in the kid’s head tonight revealed some interesting things:
- his father told him that we broke up because we disagreed about him.
- he and his dad talked about weddings.
It was a long, hard snuggle time tonight. He wanted to hear about his parents’ wedding, every last detail. I had to endure describing it as it was, trying desperately not to cloud it with hindsight. There are so many details of that day I’ve forgotten. The King of Everything wanted to know again why we’d broken up. “Was it because Papa was mean to you?” and I stalled, reaching for the words I say every time he asks me that question: “No, honey, he didn’t think he was being mean. We weren’t happy with each other.” The memories scream, but what good are they? I looked at him when he visited and he was a total stranger. You have no power over me… my heart whispered, amazed that it should come to this. Polite strangers with a child between them.
The damage control has begun, however. The poor kid thinks his parent separated because of him. I don’t care what his father ‘really’ said. The kid thinks he broke up his family. I held him in my arms and tried not to cry as I explained that if anything, he kept us together longer than we would have been, otherwise, and for that we should both thank him. (I know, the logic doesn’t compute but come on!! this kid’s only five.)
Stroking his hair back from his forehead, I said very quietly, “I meant to start doing this last night, only we were so tired. I want, every night, for each of us to tell one thing we like about the other, and one thing we like about ourselves.” He struggled to think of something good about himself. I could have rattled off a hundred things without blinking. The fallout from our separation is just beginning, a year and a half later. All I have is love, to blunt its sharp edges and smooth it into something he can carry without pain.
And if the ex ever bothers to send me a certified letter of permission to do so, I’m taking the kid to a family counselor. With joint legal custody, therapists won’t touch a kid without the permission of both parents. Can I tell you how much the fact that the ex lives halfway across the world and routinely ignores my emails SUCKS?
Tags: blame, divorce, legal-custody, single-mom, single-mother
16 opinions for Be very careful what you say…
Amy
Apr 15, 2008 at 10:16 pm
I’m bringing my older son (almost 8) to a therapist for the first time tomorrow night. He had been having stomach aches for about 6 weeks & then the other day told his dad “I’ve been sad since you moved out. All the other kids I know are happy - but I’m not.”
It’s so friggin’ hard. But all you can do is love them and try to do the best you can. (Which is the trite statement I repeat to myself over and over… and sometimes it actually helps.)
christina
Apr 15, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Oh, Amy, it’s just so… sad. Hope your little guy mends well.
America Mauhar
Apr 16, 2008 at 3:07 am
My child informed me last week that his Da (father) “Used to think you (me) were nice but then he realized you were stupid.” I had one of those WTF!!!! moments while I picked my jaw of the floor. I mean, I doubt the ex used those words, but what the hell IS he telling our kid. Grrr. Must continue to be the better person and NOT respond with “Well I used to love your father and then I learned he is an a**hole!”
It has been about a week since he dropped that on me and I am STILL livid, fuming, homicidal etc. So I totally feel your pain. Sometimes I wish for an ex with absolutely no interest in us, a deadbeat dad looks better all the time!
christina
Apr 16, 2008 at 8:48 am
Oh gods, I hate those revelations. Yes, it’s hard to choke back the responses, isn’t it?
When my kid asks us why we broke up, I tell him that we stopped being nice to each other. Somehow, it’s translated into his head that papa was mean to me. It’s not what I tell him but it’s what he hears.
Leslie
Apr 16, 2008 at 11:01 am
How heartbreaking when the little ones are hurting. Poor KoE! It’s hard to understand why he’d go to all the trouble and expense of coming here but can’t just keep up with a phone call?! That’d make too much sense and make things easier though I guess :)
Mine’s never asked why his dad left or moved & I guess I’m grateful, I have no idea what I’d say that wouldn’t hurt him worse. Should probably figure this one out.
Ike
Apr 16, 2008 at 9:24 pm
About the joint legal custody thing …. I share legal custody w/ my ex and still took our daughters to counseling without his “official blessing.” I told him what I was doing - the girls clearly needed some help at that time - and the therapist attempted to reach him. She encouraged him to be part of the girls’ therapy and he flat out refused to participate or pay any part of it. The therapist documented that in the file but stressed to me that because I have legal custody as well, I could make the decision to take them for counseling.
Maybe it varies from state to state, but is there a loophole you can use here, to help your son?
Andrea
Apr 16, 2008 at 11:18 pm
i really like your idea for a bedtime ritual. i think i may start that myself.
we have joint legal custody as well but i never ask the ex for permission with any decision i make regarding the children. i make them, then say this is whats happening, and he says oh. okay. ugh.
christina
Apr 17, 2008 at 10:56 am
Leslie, all you can do is tell the simplest version of the truth there is, without any bias towards one party or the other. I have no idea why his father behaves the way he does… only that it’s why we’re not together anymore.
christina
Apr 17, 2008 at 10:57 am
Ike, I’m going to get the kid counseling, with or without his father’s blessing. The joint legal custody issue is difficult when one parent is overseas. Sigh.
christina
Apr 17, 2008 at 10:58 am
Andrea, the nighttime ritual is wonderful. It’s interesting to see how easily we each find something nice about the other, but struggle to say something nice about ourselves. UGH!
JP
Apr 17, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Wow, does this suck. Id’ like to say it gets better, but it just seems to get different. Ex and I are cordial (both being Northeasterners, it comes naturally), but went through the divorce was my (kid’s) fault. Now we know (?) that isn’t true.
But just last night, in a conversation about how to choose a faith — right now it’s my daughter’s wiccan interest, my Catholic faith and ex’s Episcopalianism — which is true, she asks? MY wonderful little girl wants an answer — but there isn’t one. She starts to cry — says ‘I don’t want to make big decisions anymore.’
I’m stunned. What big decisions, I wonder, ask much more kindly. ‘Telling ex I wanna live here, telling ex I wanna stay here.’ IT’S THE SAME THING — I have to make both parents happy, that’s my job.
So, no we don’t have to be together anymore, we just have to both be made happy. Ugh. How do you say I want you to be happy and a morally good person — making me or ex or anyone else happy should flow from that, or not.
The KoE sounds like a pretty together kid, even having an idea why he feels miserable. His ability to express it to you, so freely — that is a sign of how welcoming you are of HIM — don’t see that much. Feeling sad, hell, feeling plain miserable is a part of life, it’s just good to know why we feel that way.
It just isn’t the kid’s job to make the parents happy, nor primarily the parents’ job to make the kid happy. Set a good example. Grow up a good person. Those are our jobs. Fill in the loose edges with love and its expression — that is the unwritten rule of the job of all in a family.
The nighttime ritual sounds like a remarkable cleansing place. Brilliant.
Ms. Single Mama
Apr 18, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Wow. My son is two. I left my husband when he was four months old…just to avoid this. God, I can’t even imagine what you are all going through. I just didn’t want him to have to watch what I knew was inevitable.
Now - my chief worry is exactly what you just wrote about - these kinds of questions. I swear if my Ex ever said stuff like that about me (which I doubt b/c we’re friends - but you never know) that I would just freak the hell out.
Lots to think about … thank god he’s still just a tot.
Hugs to all of you…and thanks for this honest post!
christina
Apr 18, 2008 at 4:46 pm
single mama, I hope you don’t have to deal with this stuff. You just have to be so careful how you talk about things, because children hear so much… and oh, I’m so sad he thinks its his fault
christina
Apr 18, 2008 at 4:51 pm
JP, thanks for all of that. I hope she knows she does make her parents happy, simply by the fact of being her, being here, and being alive.
The nighttime ritual is something he is already looking forward to at night. Last night, when I began, I only mentioned that we would say something nice about each other…. “And something nice about ourselves!” he reminded me.
The KoE is indeed a wonderful kid.
Paige
Apr 22, 2008 at 7:43 pm
This story struck a deep chord with me…I have been reading your blogs for a few weeks now, and this one especially hit it home for me. I share my 3 year old son with his father, and its become more and more confusing for him as to why we live in seperate homes. Even though we split when he was only a year, he still sees the difference and gets upset.
Last night was the worst I think, he didnt want to sleep at my house anymore, said he wanted to go to daddy’s, nearly broke my heart. But kids are so finnicky, he woke up this morning loving me just the same as any day. Every morning we wake up, there is renewed hope for our sense of normalcy.
christina
Apr 22, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Paige, I wish I had an easy answer for you. If it makes you feel any better, my son went though a phase of not wanting me, even when his father and I were together, still. And sometimes, he just tries to play the “anyone but Mom” card just to be sure I’m still here, and still care, and still want him so much. Hang in there.
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