Child support watch: nearly four months
I’m at my wit’s end. The ex is flying to be with his son on the KoE’s fifth birthday, and can afford to do that… but says it will be another couple of weeks before he can catch up on his child support payments. April will begin month four without a dime. And yet he’s flying half-way across the world.
How does this work? Can anyone explain this to me? I get to foot the birthday party bill, the doctor’s appointments, the new shoes and the school uniforms, the new bike since he outgrew his old one, the snacks and the packed lunches, the new mattress, the bed and the dresser, the socks and the underwear (which absolutely must have a fly, btw), the materials for his science project, the school trips and class pictures, the rent I have to pay for a two bedroom apartment instead of an efficiency for just me, the spring break vacations, the new blue jeans, a subscription to National Geographic Kids…
Know what? I don’t foot much of that bill. I got his bedroom furniture from Freecycle, and a friend gives me her sister’s son’s hand-me-downs. My mother is doing an amazing job at Camp Grammie this week so I don’t have to pay for child care during spring break (and frankly, because she wanted some solid time with her grandson!); my father takes the child shoe shopping–no small feat with his extra-wide footsies. We patch his blue jeans when he wears out the knees. I won’t buy him a new bike but will ask around among the local family for one they have outgrown. Rather than take a full week’s vacation this summer and go somewhere fabulous and new, we’ll probably do a series of long weekend vacations in town; a friend might have us out to her sister’s beach house if we’re lucky. We go to free museums, rent movies instead of going to the theater, and our fabulous date nights are going to be a thing of the past as we tighten our belts. We’ll do picnics in the park, instead. There aren’t any frivalous purchases or life choices where we can scale back.
The ex doesn’t see anything wrong with this, of course. It doesn’t occur to him that perhaps it’s important to keep up with the child support payments. Whatever money he does manage to send, I’ll have to save it for summer camp, because I can’t count on him to actually be reliable and responsible, or even tell me the truth about when the money is coming. This stuff has been on its way for three months and three weeks, now. And yet I have to smile and put on a good show for my son when his father comes.
I am so tired of being so disappointed in that man. Who knew that severing the marriage wouldn’t make an inch of difference in that regard…
Tags: child support, deadbeat-dad, international divorce, late payments, single-mom, single-motherRelated Stories
POSTED IN: child support, divorce
18 opinions for Child support watch: nearly four months
Elissa
Mar 26, 2008 at 7:03 pm
AMEN!!! Times four. My former pays some of the support he owes, sometimes. Fortunately for me I was able to get a garnishment order, but mine lives in the country…so I don’t suppose you have any chance of doing the same. Add to my struggle that I have no real marketable skills, save a sunny disposition, as I have been a stay at home mom for 6 years and never really had a “career” to speak of before that. I am working part time for minimum wage and trying to support four kids on that and the random donations by their dad until the order is enforced… which sadly still won’t force him to pay all he owes. But a consistent something is better that an inconsistent something!
ratphooey
Mar 26, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Call. A. Lawyer.
Carrie
Mar 26, 2008 at 8:10 pm
*sigh*
I feel you!! I found out at my daughters school yesterday that her fees haven’t been paid since July last year. I’m really curious as to what he’s doing with his money, seeing as he is supposed to pay school fees instead of cash to me… The school is about to send debt collecters out to him, and if the matter isn’t resolved soon then she’ll be asked to leave the school.
I really understand your disappointment with your ex *hugs* I find the worst part being all cheerful and happy about them to the kids… because they don’t deserve to know all the horrible stuff. You’re doing well Christina!! The KoE will figure it out one day and respect you for taking the high ground. I know I do =)
Dr. Leah
Mar 27, 2008 at 5:37 am
Courtesy of Uncle Sam, remedies to your dilemma are available—at no cost. Living out of the country does not give him a free pass. Eventually, he can lose his passport. Look up the local child support enforcement office in your area and speak with them. They are unfailingly helpful and, again, absolutely free.
Best of luck!
Kelly
Mar 27, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I feel you. I get child support now (after about 8 years of fighting tooth and nail), but it is such a teeny tiny amount, it doesn’t put a dent in my expenses. Meanwhile, he is constantly travelling all over the country and we can’t even afford something as simple as a weekend getaway.
Leslie
Mar 28, 2008 at 10:25 am
It boggles my mind he’s okay with showing up even owing all that money! Hang in there Christina.
We’ve been going through these ups and downs now for the last year too and it really starts to make you feel jaded - like it’s never going to get better or be consistent. But it will one way or another…I like the passport idea ;)
Thrifty Karen
Mar 29, 2008 at 4:33 pm
My, how tables would be turned if their employers would say, “Sorry, I can’t afford to pay you this week. I’ll have to pay you next week.”
christina
Mar 30, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I want to reply to each of you individually but i’m up to my eyeballs in packing panic. Thank you for all your thoughts.
robiewankenobie
Mar 31, 2008 at 7:18 am
i don’t think severing the marriage caused all this…he wasn’t that freakin’ reliable when you were married, was he?
ratphooey
Mar 31, 2008 at 9:25 am
And RWKN gets a gold star!
Solomother
Mar 31, 2008 at 10:07 am
RWKN, i didn’t say that severing the marriage caused this. I said I shouldn’t be surprised that severing the marriage didn’t make an inch of difference in his behavior. You’d think that losing a child because of your own defects would cause you to stop and think about how things could be different, but no.
ratphooey
Mar 31, 2008 at 10:17 am
He has no capacity for self-reflection. He just doesn’t bother. His family doesn’t either, or he might have learned it.
Pissed Off
Apr 1, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Ellisa — You need to get a job and grow up. “no real marketable skills,”
That’s a nice example for you r children. You just want to stay home and sit on your ass while your ex pays the bills. Grow Up You never should have been allowed to have children if you can’t afford to raise them.
christina
Apr 1, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Hi, Pissed Off. A few questions for you: did you quit your career to raise your children? Have you been out of the job market for six years, working a job that has no pay, long hours, and no time off? You’re right, Ellisa needs to reconsider herself. I think she’s underselling her talents. Raising children well is an amazing skill set to have. Perhaps some day she can go back to school, get a degree, and teach other parents’ children. Right now, her job is her kids.
robiewankenobie
Apr 1, 2008 at 7:45 pm
oooh, lookie! you gots a troll!
Elissa
Apr 1, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Dearest Pissed off… First of all you couldn’t spell my name right with it posted on the page… Second, I clearly said I am working part time to try to make ends meet but if you had any concept of what it costs to raise four kids you would understand, as I do, that relying solely on child support is not going to cut it. Which is why I looked for work in the first place and ever decided to start working a minimum wage job to begin with. Third, I did not make four kids on my own. I could afford the four children when I had them in a marriage that I had every expectation would last. I had four children with a man who AGREED that I should stay home and raise them right up until the point where he left me for a woman with 5 kids. Which, by the way means I saved us more money than I could have earned since the cost of childcare would have been more for four kids than I would have made working full time. The marketable skills comment does not imply I do not believe I HAVE skills but that few employers look at mothering as a desired prerequisite to employment. And finally, sitting on my ass I am not…. did you somehow miss the fact that I am the mother of four healthy, bright and well adjusted children who for your information I also Home School? What is your measure of success? Thanks Christina for your kind words - I am working towards being a 911 dispatcher - a career I will be proud of but at the end of the day the dad still has a responsibility to pay his part.
kate
Apr 10, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Christina,
Go online or call your local court house and find the contact information for the FREE legal services available to you in your area. Every court has them. Then process the paperwork to have your child support collected through the court system. The court system will auto-deduct the child support from his check and mail it to you. If they can’t auto-deduct then once he is 30 days late in paying you can have a warrant issued for his arrest.
Good luck.
christina
Apr 10, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Kate, this is wonderful advice for those whose spouses live and work in the US. Thank you for spelling it out so clearly! Unfortunately, my ex lives out of the country. Not sure what my recourse is, other than public shame.
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