Solo Mother

A thread to follow– 100 tips for happy kids

christina — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 13:15:30 +0000

Sometimes, Twitter is more than just an addiction for my ADD mind… sometimes, it brings in really cool blogs to follow, like Parenting4HappyKids.com. Anneli Asplund has taken it upon herself to post her list, 10 ideas at a time, for how to have happy kids.

Her first ten are here: Parenting tips for happy kids #1
Second ten: Parenting tips for happy kids #2

I have to work on being more patient with my child, more present. Listening more and not jumping to the conclusion that I know everything about what he’s saying. I get caught up sometimes in that arbitrary, “I’m the grownup, I know better!” mindset, which is so different from the simple, “Because I said so.” The former is an arrogance that dismisses my child’s opinions, while the latter is simply a finite declaration that negotiations are closed.

Asplund’s ideas are so simple–you might not agree with all of them, but if you read through the lists, I’m sure you’ll find ideas you’ve forgotten about or that have never occurred to you.

Post from: Solo Mother

How I lost 30 pounds

christina — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 16:16:54 +0000

If you’re part of my Twitter feed, you might have seen the stunned and very happy announcement I made over the weekend. You see, after ten years of struggling with my weight–never quit smoking and become a catering company chef in the same week–I have finally hit my goal weight.

I’m a size six now, in case you were wondering. That’s down from an uncomfortable 12 trying to slide into a 14.

It’s hard to lose weight, especially as a single mother. You can’t pass off morning off to school duties to your partner while you run five miles or hit the gym. And finding the time to take care of yourself? Forgeddaboutit.

One of my oldest friends wrote and asked me how I did it. Well, for Paul and all you other amazing folks in my life, here’s what I did.

I changed my mind about food.

At my heaviest, I was eating out at least four times a week. I was eating whatever I wanted. I was saying yes whenever someone offered me something bad for me. I shed many things that were bad for me in August, and replaced bad habits with a new relationship with food that has little to do with the SuperSizeMe culture we suffer through here in the States.

I’ve combined a whole bunch of techniques, and it seems to be working. I did do (South Beach) induction for almost two months, and lost 20 pounds. NO carbs. The last ten I took off in a month simply by eating intelligently. I don’t eat out more than once a week, which means I can control the amount of salt, cholesterol, and calories I’m taking in. When I do eat out, I order an appetizer, because I know the dinner portions are huge–and I know I will feel obligated to eat it all. I eat slowly. I drink a glass of water before I eat. I enjoy a glass of red wine with my meal, and sip it.

I eat breakfast, usually either eggs or kefir with fruit. Sometimes oatmeal when I can stand it and am not worried about the carbs. I must confess to being so busy at work sometimes I’m eating breakfast at 4:30 in the afternoon, but I do try to avoid that trap.

My dinner plates at home are 10″, not 12″. Less food fills the plate, and convinces my brain I’m eating a lot. Even so, lunch is my main meal. Unless I am cooking for company, I will have some soup or a small snack of cheese, nuts, a few slices of chicken, etc for dinner. I serve myself half as much as I think I want, and have seconds if I really want them.

Oh, and about soup? It’s a wonderful French trick I learned while in Corsica: mange ta soupe. You’ll get tons of good vegetables without having to otherwise sautee, braise, or dress up veggies on a plate. Winter squashes, carrots and ginger, leek and potato are all winter staples at my house.

I’ll snack on nuts during the day. If I want a piece of chocolate or something sugary, I’ll eat just a few bites of it, and throw the rest away or pawn it off on someone at work. And if I really listen to my body, it’s pretty clear it doesn’t like sugar. The darkest chocolate I can find really hits all the craving spots, one little square at a time, in 50 calorie increments with very little sugar. Rock star.

I don’t exercise, but will walk at least two miles almost every day. I want to get back into belly dancing and start yoga. A friend who is the alternative therapy/massage therapist for a local sports team is recommending resistance training — big old rubber bands. Portable, they don’t take up much room and you can do them anywhere. A plus in my small apartment.

I don’t do diet or lite foods. No 2% milk or lowfat yogurt in my house. What you take out in fat you replace with carbs. My good cholesterol is very good, my bad cholesterol is very good too. LOL I have a doctor who monitors my blood chemistry very carefully, and I’ve been able to tailor my habits to optimize the best foods for me.

The secret really is to eat slowly, make conscious decisions about what you put into your body, and care about yourself enough to make good eating habits… a habit.

Post from: Solo Mother

NASA’s Season’s Greetings

christina — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 15:40:22 +0000

I have a boy. I have a boy who wanted to be an astronaut (until his father, probably with the best of intentions, convinced the Kid to go on the Gravitron by saying, “You’ll love it, it’s what the astronauts do!”). I have two friends who work for NASA. Ergo, I follow our nation’s space program pretty closely. One of my favorite small details is the special spots for holidays:

Post from: Solo Mother

Getting ready for Christmas–snowstorm style

christina — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 03:33:56 +0000

A week early but still beautiful, the snow has made getting a Christmas tree impossible, but gave us an extra day with the most incredible friends from overseas. We didn’t have a Christmas party this evening but three apartments from my building converged on my house after an impromptu snowball fight to have sipping chocolate and Turkish Delight and banana bread another friend brought to us this week. We didn’t get to go to the Choral Arts sing, but we played Go Fish and made Turkish coffee and stole a few extra moments together. My son got an extra dose of Crazy Finger from my friend’s husband, and the shrieks of utter delight raised the temp in my chilly house a good 15 degrees. So so good to watch him so delighted.

The city is muffled and restrained tonight, pinned under the weight of a blanket of white. My son and I cried for a good half an hour after our friends finally left tonight, having decided to abandon their hopes for a flight and are now driving to Missouri. But, as I said to him as I blew my nose for the umpteenth time and laughed at the pile of tissues we were accumulating: “Boo, I’d rather be heartbroken to say goodbye to such good friends than to not have friends like that in my life.” My Christmas came a week early this year, and it’s just going to get better, with my parents and my friends all moving towards a new decade together.

How are you celebrating your holidays this season?

We have family in from out of town tomorrow and possible stranded where they sit. We have a saucer sled and a hill from the base of the Washington Monument that begs for some sliding. We have the rest of our hand-made gifts to contemplate, a mystery adventure tomorrow evening, God willing, and I have the makings for some Chocolate Wine for whenever I get it together to be festive. It is Christmas. I am grateful.

I have said it many times here, but I really am amazed at the friends I have. Such beautiful, honest, giving, warm souls. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

There are no words. Merry Christmas. May the new year bring you joy.

Post from: Solo Mother

It’s beginning to look a lot like a White House Christmas

christina — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 01:29:08 +0000

White House community Christmas tree

The Kid and I had invitations to go visit the White House decorations this afternoon, and what a treat! At the beginning of the tour, a funny cardboard Christmas tree honeycombed with cubbies. People chose colored slip of paper and wrote a wish to insert into the tree. We stood in the East room. We stood in the Green Room. We got to see a beautiful portrait of JFK. We saw so many wonderful things…

and we saw the ornaments we helped make hanging on the tree. We must have stood in that room for half an hour, searching out our particular ornaments. I just stood there, looking at each of them, desperately searching for all of them, but only able to find four. There. In the White House. Something I made. Something that people I know made. Very cool.

When we left, the King of Everything was shivering with excitement. “I can’t BELIEVE I was INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE!!!” he shouted, leaping off the steps of the White House.

Post from: Solo Mother

Teacher’s solution to problem? Cut it off

christina — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 04:56:31 +0000

How many of us play with our hair? Twirl it around our finger, muss it, fuss with it, gather it up and let it fall, shake our heads just enough to set the beads clicking? Yeah, that’s right. We do it. A lot. And we’re mothers. We’re grown ups! Can you imagine how hard it is for a first grader to stop playing with her beautiful, braided hair?

Well, when Lamya Cammon didn’t stop twirling a braid in her fingers, her teacher called her to the front of the class and cut that braid right off her head. In front of everybody.

ABC 12News in Wisconsin has the story: “Teacher cuts off Girl’s Braid in Front of Class”.

The teacher was fined $175 for ‘disorderly conduct’ and apologized to the girl’s mother. According to the article, the mother got the apology, and an excuse: “But I was frustrated”, the teacher said.

Frustrated? When someone cuts in front of you in the grocery line, do you punch them? What is this teacher going to do with the kid who just can’t sit still? Duct tape him to the wall? How about the kid who won’t stop whispering? Or any of the hundreds of fidgety, wiggly, noisy things that first graders do?

I mean, come on. Send her to the office if her hair is too distracting. Ask her to sit in the hall until she can concentrate on the lessons and not her hair. But cut it off? And the class laughed at her. Way to make education a rewarding experience, Ms. Teacher.

I won’t tell you to get in touch with the school and let them know that this sort of conduct is unacceptable, but if you wanted to call Congress Elementary or write them a letter, I think you can find all you need here. And since the article I’m reading doesn’t mention the teacher by name, I’m just going to tell you that the little girl, Lamya Cammon, is in first grade. And the ‘frustrated’ teacher is still working in the school.

And that her teacher publicly humiliated the littler girl — and made her cry in front of her whole class.

Photo by Jazza on StockExchange

Post from: Solo Mother

More thoughts on helping children with two homes

christina — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 03:23:31 +0000

Yesterday, I wrote about What to do when your kids don’t want to go, and focused on the times when the reason falls to bad behavior on the part of one (or the other) parent.

I loved the feed back I got from parents who reminded me that sometimes, it’s just hard to go, hard to leave, hard to deal with new houses and routines. Especially the littlest ones and the newest separations. So I thought I would pull a couple of suggestions from the comments and post them here to continue the conversation:

Donna suggested that separation anxiety is another real reason kids don’t want to go. While she and her husband have a healthy post-breakup relationship, her three year old has trouble with the transitions from one house to the next. The great news is, the little one has a great time once she’s there! My son was/is never good at transitioning from one thing to the next, so I spend a lot of time setting up the change, giving him reminders and countdowns and building in time for resistance so I’m not so frustrated and running late.

Fred over at Full Custody Dad has a great solution to those difficult times when his daughter has to go to her mom’s: within half an hour of transition time, he helps his daughter dress in ‘mommy clothes’, a ritual that helps her settle into what’s coming next. Also, he had this to add: “I always say, your mother loves you very much and this is the time allocated to see her. As a custodial parent, it is your job to encourage positive exchanges and encourage relationship with the other side.”

And the fabulous L.A. Single Mama
reminded me that sometimes, it’s just hard and the kids are just too little to deal. A transitional object–a book, a lovey–can go a long way towards making it all easier.

Post from: Solo Mother

What to do when your children don’t want to go?

christina — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 02:58:59 +0000

Photo by Kirsche222 on www.scx.hu
I get a phone call every once in a while from single mother friends whose kids don’t want to go to their father’s house… not for the weekend, not for the holidays, not for Christmas. I honestly don’t know how to make it all better, and I understand the pain the moms go through.

Because the kids have to go, or the law might come down on you. It’s his turn, right? He’s their father, no matter what, right?

Maybe.

I googled the term, “Kids don’t want to go to dad’s house” and found a cacophony of voices, some supportive, some vindictive, some plain old huh?

Here’s what I think will help these difficult situations:

Don’t cry. Seriously. Accept your child’s declaration at face value. You have to be the brave, calm, resourceful one. Your kids need you to be that rock.

Reflect their words back to them: “Hm, you don’t want to go to your dad’s house?” or some variation thereof. It lets your children know that you heard what they said and didn’t pass judgment or jump to conclusions

Listen. Don’t immediately start arguing with them about why they have to go or commiserating with them on why it’s so horrible there. Just listen. When you get a kid to start talking about ‘why’, they often resolve the problem themselves

Check your own behavior towards your ex–are your kids avoiding their dad because they think it hurts you, or because they know how much you dislike him? If you think you really do keep your thoughts to yourself (little pitchers, big ears, remember?) then…

Listen to cues in your child’s diatribe and wait for an appropriate time to ask WHY they don’t want to go. Again, don’t go wildly jumping to conclusions or fishing for reasons. If they wrinkle their noses when they mention dad’s girlfriend, that can give you an opportunity to ask about her

Does your ex trash talk YOU when your kids are over? If so, and if you can stomach a conversation with him, you might be able to gently remind him that you keep your opinions to yourself for the sake of the kids, and his words are hurting them; hell, it’s worth a shot

You can give even your littlest ones some language to defend against harsh words, if your ex (or his girlfriend, or his mother…) is less than discrete around the kids. Even the littlest ones can say, “Please don’t say that, Daddy, it hurts my feelings,” or “I love you and mommy, please don’t say mean things.” Older kids, if they have the self-confidence, can directly request that he stop, and tell their father that it makes being with him absolutely uncomfortable, unpleasant, and unbearable. Could they ask for a ‘mom-free’ day from their father, and get him to stick to it?

Unless they are being abused, you don’t have much of a choice unless you want to give your ex ammunition in a custody dispute. Arrange that the kids can call you every day, and send them off with a note in their pockets that reminds them you’re always there for them.

And if you do suspect they are being abused? Call a lawyer experienced in this kind of case immediately, and do not let them go to their father’s house. Find a counseling group for kids of divorce. And be a strong mama bear for your kids: you are their best protector and advocate.

Just don’t way anything nasty about your ex to them, OK? If they ask why they aren’t going to dad’s house anymore, tell them you’re working with him to see if he can stop being so mean/saying mean things, etc., if you suspect the abuse is mental and/or physical. I’m not even going to go into the other kind of abuse. Just. Not. Now.

Post from: Solo Mother

More reasons to be grateful: amazing friends

christina — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 05:08:41 +0000

I often talk about my ‘tribe’ here on Solomother… that group of women (and men) who are there for me no matter what. I don’t speak very often of the friends I made when we lived overseas. Quite simply, I miss them too much. I owe Hanna a very long letter and I despair of finding Bisan…

But Bushra and her husband are here tonight, and I am thrilled.

I can’t even express how wonderful it is to have her in my home after not seeing each other forhttp://www.solomother.com/wp-admin/post-new.php#titlediv three years. What a wonderful present this is. The King of Everything was so glad to see them again.

Life is good.

Post from: Solo Mother

Something for the holidays: SpellQuizzer

christina — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 01:48:26 +0000

I got a nice note this month asking if I’d be willing to review a bit of software that helps kids own their spelling lists. And from the looks of it, this program works. The King of Everything and I will try this over his holiday break.

The concept is simple: record your child’s spelling list in the program and it will check the spelling as the words are entered on the keyboard. The student can check the spelling or simply move to the next word–but beware! If the word is wrong, you’ll know about it, and if the the whole test is correct, you get a nice surprise.

I’d be curious to hear from other parents — what do you think of this software? You can download a free trial version of SpellQuizzer here: http://www.spellquizzer.com/Download.htm

There is an alternative method if you cannot record sound on your computer, so everyone should try this and see if your kids improve their spelling. You can also share spelling lists with other users, which is a great detail for teachers to share with parents or homeschoolers.

I have a free registration code for someone who likes this enough to want it. Let me know what you think!

Post from: Solo Mother