Further thoughts on love
August 28, 2008 by christina
I saw Vicky Cristina Barcelona recently, and it sparked a conversation in my brain that has been loud, chaotic, passionate and basically out of control. I suppose it was a good movie.
It got me thinking on the nature of love. I know, what a great thing for a single mother with a full-time job and a full-time kid to be revving her noodle with, right? But I listened closely to the spaces in between the great moments of the movie, and heard so much more about love than the broad strokes of passion and duty painted by the movie could say. Between the absolutes lies the truth about love and marriage, passion and commitment, folly and promises. Hollywood and literature would have us believe that love is nothing without a grand passion. I think Hollywood and literature are wrong, and I’m only glad that I learned to listen to the still spaces, the tranquil places, and learned a thing or two about love.
You see, I’ve never chosen to give someone my love, before. It’s always been thrust upon me, by a coup de foudre, a fatal attraction, a gesture/glance/trick of the light. I’ve jumped blindly in and committed everything I am, everything I have, without ever pondering whether the object of my affections was in any way a worthy vessel. By the time I’d realized my mistake, I had given too much of myself to simply walk away. But now, older and wiser, perhaps, I’ve seen the beauty in choosing to make a gift of my love to someone who is worthy. I’m holding it in trust for him, wherever he is, whoever he is, for the day when he shows me who he is, and I see that what he is is fine, and good, and mine.
There is something to be said for passion, single mothers. It burns bright and fierce, for a time. And there is something to recommend duty, to a promise made with eyes wide open. But don’t blindly throw your love at someone because of the way he smiles, or a flattering remark. Study the one you would give your heart to, and know him well. You’ll realize what a precious gift you hold, and such a treasure will be cherished if you choose to bestow it.
Beautiful.
Yes, YES! Love should be 50% heart and 50% head, but the head comes first.
My mother was swept up by some charming romancer who proposed on the first date and overwhelmed her with affection, praise and ardor. She is still in that abusive and soul-crushing relationship. But her example taught me to look not only at the man, but also at his family. How do his parents behave with each other? How does he treat his sister? How does their family resolve conflicts? If there has been a divorce, what’s the relationship like now?
A man can charm and hide while he’s courting, but his family isn’t so easy to whitewash. That’s a veritable goldmine of information.
Know yourself. Know your man. Then give your heart. I couldn’t agree more.
Christina,
I enjoy reading your thoughts. As of late they seem to be increasingly directed toward love, True Love, Happy Endings and Other Fairy Tales (oh, wait, that’s me and my cynicism), and Men, Glorious Men. Hmmm. I’m a single mom by choice. I like to read about the KoE’s adventures and prepare myself as much as I can for boyhood. However, the love and marriage bit is a serious drag – I’m surrounded by it (but not support for my choice), friends pester me about not dating (but don’t acknowledge that I already have the love of my life), and I’m just fed up. Would you or other readers be able to suggest a blog or site where I can find pertinent info on single parenting sans the “ain’t love grand” theme (or chorus)? And, yes, I’ve been to the SMBC site.
Thanks much,
Nobody’s Cinderella
Wow. Just wow.
You have written what I am struggling to understand and learn. Thanks for your insights.