Ghost Fathers
This week has left me raw and rather peeled, and reading this article in the Globe and Mail – well, I’m a little teary-eyed tonight. The article is about Ghost fathers… fathers who pay the money, but don’t spend the time, don’t call, don’t write, don’t get involved with their children’s lives.
I can’t imagine what it does to the children. A SoloMother reader recently commented that finally, instead of trying to soften the blow, instead of trying to make up some story that might make the father’s absence more palatable, she began answering her child’s questions, her child’s expressions of loss and bewilderment (where’s daddy? why doesn’t he call? Why doesn’t he love me anymore?) — instead of making something up, she finally began telling her child the truth: “I don’t know, sweetheart. It doesn’t make any sense to me, either.”
Is that the best we can do? Yes, it really is. If someone chooses to abandon their kid, emotionally, physically, monetarily… we can’t make excuses for that person. We don’t have to say anything nasty. We just have to be honest.
If you are here at Solomother because you are thinking of divorce and are wondering what the ramifications of such a step might be, I’d like to encourage you to read Hogan Hillling’s new book, The Modern Mom’s Guide to Dad: Ten Secrets Your Husbands Won’t Tell You. It’s a great handbook to understanding what a father, what a husband, wants and needs, and it might just make splitting up unnecessary…
I’d like to see fewer ghost fathers. Perhaps if we can all understand each other better while the marriage is still fighting for its life, then men wouldn’t end up tied up in emotional knots, fading from the lives they once held so dear.
Tags: Ghost-fathers, globe-and-mail, hogan-hilling, modern-moms-guide-to-dadRelated Stories
POSTED IN: divorce
3 opinions for Ghost Fathers
Ratphooey
Jan 19, 2008 at 11:49 pm
At least they pay the money…
christina
Jan 22, 2008 at 7:51 pm
yeah, Phooey, there is that.
AG
Jan 25, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I just recently stumbled upon your site, although, I don’t really think it’s for me. I share custody of my 3 children, twin girls age 7 and my son age 6, with their father. Fortunately, I am not completely alone in raising them but often times feel as though I am.
He pays his support, but it’s based on his tax returns. This wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t the President of the company and working the books to his advantage. I KNOW this because he was doing it before we split, unfortunately, it would cost me 10-15k for a forensic accountant to pour through the books…which I don’t have. So, while his returns say that he only makes 75k, he buys cars, goes on European vacations, and purchases only name brand clothing from Nordstrom, while I pull from my savings, what little I have, every month just to cover rent. I’m hoping to be able to do this for another few months…then I’m going to have to move.
I can hear responses already…75k is plenty to draw from for support. Believe me it would be, if I wasn’t stuck living in an area with such an expensive housing market, if I split my $2300 in rent with a significant other. I keep searching for ways to cut my expenses, but, with 3 kids, I can’t stick them all in one bedroom…can I? I just might have to resort to that.
There are many times I actually WISH he wasn’t in the custody picture. I don’t believe he is the best role model for my kids. He’s actually told them he couldn’t go to their soccer games because he was going motorcycle riding…he hadn’t gone is sooo long… Go on Sunday you moron, when there aren’t any games. Not only that, I would have the flexibility to live where ever I deemed appropriate. This one is particularily painful because I have a job offer in Houston….Where I could BUY a house, one that was half as big as what I rent, and have a mortgage payment of less than $1,000! My money would actually be doing some work for me, too!
Anyway, sorry for my tirade…At least I feel better for getting it off my chest.
I can share and relate to many of your struggles, but obviously, many that I cannot. I am hoping to find a similar site that involves others in my same situation. If anyone can point me in the right direction, it would be greatly appreciated.
Have an opinion? Leave a comment: