Solo Mother

Got a date for New Year’s Eve, single mom?

by christina on December 28th, 2006

Ohhh, ladies. I’d promised an interview with a gentleman who seems to gravitate towards single women — just his luck, it seems. I had a chance to corner him with some questions about what it’s like from the other side of the skirt, so to speak. What I got back was a very frank, honest, and sometimes bawdy look at what it’s like to date a single mother.

Interested?   

Getting divorced is scary, every which way. For divorced women with children, the fear of being undesirable is a very real, very strong fear to face. What is it, you think, about single moms? What’s their attraction over single, childless women? Give us some good news.

That’s pretty hard to answer, given how different people are - even if they fall in the same category. I suppose the attraction is also the thing that makes me wary - seriousness. Dating is not a casual thing with most single mothers. There is a powerful sense that they know that everything they do impacts the child(ren), so everything you (being the guy) do is going to be viewed in that light. On the good side, it means if there is affection, warmth, and happiness, it’s definitely real, and if an aspect of the relationship is not working, it’s not going to turn into a dramatic production - if anything, the notice of something being wrong will be rather abrupt (this is idealized - when in a relationship with someone who has been abused, the tendency might be exactly the opposite: for her to show affection and hide unhappiness out of reflexive self-defense… this is scary and painful for all involved). The downside is that it can feel like you’re under a microscope. I suspect the watchee is slightly more aware of this than the watcher. The single mother is using the same focus she has to use on everything in her whole life, whereas men are rarely if ever subject to this sort of scrutiny. It can be exhausting at times, but life is like that in one way or another to just about everyone.

Another thing, [they/you/insert pronoun here] generally have a stronger understanding of real pain and grief, and a corresponding distaste for drama. I feel more comfortable interacting with people like that. Single mothers (going out on a limb, here) are also much more likely to be able to laugh at themselves and at you without being mean about it - the classic pubic-bone-to-the-nose-OW kind of snickers. Laughing is good, and it’s a lot easier to laugh at the silliness of the human body once you’ve had to clean up someone else’s poop. Don’t ask me why, it just usually is (if it isn’t, then it may be a sign that you’re under a good deal more pressure than you can handle at the moment).

Seriously, though, some people are more mature/frivolous/adventurous/practical/whatever than others, and it’s hard to give any general answer (but I tried). It’s like describing the difference between teal and turquoise - they’re different, it’s hard to say how, and when you finally do, you’ve still not described the essence of what that difference is as far as experiencing it. To make matters more difficult (and to stretch this analogy to the point of pain) there are a million shades of both colors, and in some lighting they’re easy to see, and sometimes not. Maybe if the question was “which single mother, and which single, childless woman?”

On second thought, I’d much rather answer your question than mine. Much safer.

You’ve dated several single mothers. How have they handled the fact that they have children? Did they bring it up immediately, or wait to mention it until after they’d gotten to know you a bit better? How was it to be introduced to their children? Did this happen early in the relationship?

Sometimes with nervousness, sometimes almost as a challenge. Usually as a “take me as I am, and I come with a kid attached.” Usually the earlier they let me know that they have a child (or children), the better things go - I don’t think that’s a direct correlation, but I do know that I feel trusted and trusting to a greater degree when approaching/being approached by someone who is being frank about what, and who, is involved in being involved with them (so to speak).

Is it awkward to be the mom’s Date, as opposed to the kid’s father?

Very much so at first, especially the first time I was involved with a single mother. Very often it’s been an exercise in biting my tongue. Not because I agree or disagree with what she is doing, but because I have no right to open my mouth in the first place (or if I do, it must be done with incredible delicacy and diplomacy).

How much authority were you given with the child(ren)?

At most, the same authority that would be given a very old and trusted friend. At the other extreme, none whatsoever (uncomfortable, mostly because it feels like being held at arm’s length from the family as a whole). I have never been in a situation where I was actually “the father figure” to the child in the mom’s eyes, and never disputed it with her - though in one relationship it was a close thing. That would be the same relationship in which I received a Father’s Day card from the son.

What relationships were you encouraged to have?

In those relationships where such a thing was possible, I wasn’t encouraged to have a particular type of relationship, so much as to actively participate in the child’s life. This has generally worked out pretty well.

Is there an attitude or approach to this ‘different’, triangular relationship that’s better than others, from your point of view?

I don’t think there’s any “good” way to do it, or people would have consistently happy relationships with their families, in-laws, or step-families. The only thing I could suggest is that, as a basis, each person trying keep in mind whether they trust the intentions of the other people involved or not. If they don’t, there’s a serious problem. If they do, then things can generally be worked out (although not always in the “best” way, it will certainly be in a way
that is to the good).

Your relationships didn’t work out with these women… was it because they were single mothers?

No. I’ve ended relationships (and been in relationships ended by the other person, and mutually ended them) for some of the same stupid, horrible, everyday reasons that relationships of any kind end, but never anything too loathsome. Honestly, I don’t get the idea that’s floating around somewhere of mothers being this entirely different class of women, let alone less (or more) desirable ones, that doesn’t take who the mother is into account. Maybe it’s some echo of the old idea that mothers are supposed to live through their children? I don’t know, and it creeps me out. I see the attitude in guys I know, and I see it in mothers (married or not).

It’s more like having a relationship with someone who’s very close to her family; each child’s needs are different, and each family’s needs are different. It doesn’t change who she is, even though it drastically changes her circumstances and the decisions she can to make.

Besides which, making love with one ear cocked for the pitter-patter of little feet lends an urgency, excitement, and delicious furtiveness to the experience that childless couples can only achieve on train tracks or in public bathrooms. Much safer, and with all the comforts of home. (Well? Laugh…)
*grin* What about the child/ren (those pitter pattering feet)? Was it difficult to say goodbye to them?

Choosing between the times I got to say goodbye, as opposed to those when I never got the chance to say it, or when I was stupid and didn’t take advantage of that chance (when I wasn’t mature enough to see the end of the relationship coming, or the one I very seriously regret, where the relationship faded due to inattention on my part), I’m thinking for all concerned that saying goodbye is much easier and better than any of the alternatives, as awful as it is at the moment.

Did any of the mothers honor a bond you had formed with their child, if one did form, and encourage a relationship outside of her failed romantic assays with you, or were ties severed?

You mean when the relationship didn’t end “badly,” I assume.

Being very honest, I’ve been friendly and warm and remembered well by the kids when I’ve seen them later, but I’ve not tried to keep up the same intensity in the relationship with them for a very long time. I usually feel like I’ve failed everyone involved, and it’s hard not to feel the distance that is there because of what happened between the grown-ups involved.

Do you have any advice for single mothers thinking about dating again?

First, the general stuff.

Don’t feel like you’ve got a brand that says “single mother.” (Editor’s note: I think of it more like something tatooed backwards across my forehead so I can read it in the mirror every morning) Yes, that aspect is of crucial importance in your life, but if you’re thinking about dating, then you’ve probably been many other things for a lot longer than you’ve been a single mother. Don’t forget them, or yourself in general. If someone is attracted (or unattracted) to you on that single basis, they aren’t interested in you at all, and I’d recommend you return the compliment. Life is hard enough without letting who you are be crushed under the weight of labels.

In the process, I’d suggest doing your best to shun people who encourage you to feel shame, or at least hold up what they’re doing so they can see it. This is the one emotion I’d say is in common with all the women I’ve been involved with, but especially the single mothers. Unless you spend your weekends sacrificing random living creatures by the light of a blazing library (perhaps even to the accompaniment of the screams of tortured senior citizens) guess what: you probably have nothing to feel ashamed of. If you do, then you’re almost certainly beating yourself up about it more than anyone who’s been through a similar experience and gotten through it (this last part - getting through it - is the important part). It’s the people who have gotten through it that you should look toward for inspiration, not those well-meaning fools who feel their opinions are the answers to the reality you’re living with, but who don’t necessarily know what they’re talking about.
Why all that? Because other people can sense when someone is ashamed (or trying very hard to cover it up), and nine times out of ten will not make your life any easier for it. It’s much easier to abuse someone who is ashamed than someone who is not. (Editor’s note: In other words, ladies. You were strong enough, I hope, to make the best of the situation you are in, and make the best life possible for yourself and your child/ren. What’s to be ashamed of? Head high. Shoulders back. Deep breath. Dating pool? DIVE!)
Now for the practical: Be as comfortable as you can, physically and mentally. The healthier and happier you can make yourself in your own skin, the more attractive you will be to both yourself, and the person you connect with.

***

A final note from the crazy girl who somehow spawned the King of Everything: In other words, got a little black dress? Then get together with your best girls, get a babysitter, and paint the town every once in a while. You deserve it!

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POSTED IN: dating, interview, words to live by