How not to break up.
It’s difficult to talk on the phone with the Ex right now. I don’t have anything to say that doesn’t start off with, “Why?” I’m angry. While I’m excited about the life and possibilities that are opening in front of me and my our child, I’m hurt, angry and bewildered that there was apparently something so abhorrent about me that the spouse was unwilling to even try counselling. I’ll always be hurt by that, because at the root of our difficulties lay an inability to communicate honestly, and I really believed that counseling would have helped with that. Which, even if we still ended up divorcing, would have made talking to each other a little less like pulling teeth.
Take, for example, the evening we went through the apartment in the UAE, dividing up the small things. I watched in absolute amazement as he took the photo of us from the day we got engaged out of the crappy silver frame it had occupied for how many years? and immediately replaced it with one of him and his brother. He didn’t even have the decency to wait until I was out of the apartment before he began to erase me from his life. He will only say his life is hard without our son around. It hurts. But it’s part of the reason we’re not married any more, isn’t it? He felt I wasn’t grateful enough. I felt he wasn’t present in our marriage. But I can’t throw all his photos and memorabilia into a closet and shut the door on that part of my past forever.
I don’t have that luxury. No matter how I might feel about the man I married, there’s a little guy in the bedroom next to mine who still loves his papa. So he’s got a little spot in his backpack where he safely carries a picture of his father, and another of his best friend, Hussam. A growing part of me wants to put a picture of me in there, too; just because I’m always here doesn’t mean I should be taken for granted. I count, too. I do exist, you know.
Last night’s before bed snuggle included one of those bittersweet conversations on love. Little Guy is having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that his parents don’t like each other any more, but won’t ever stop loving him. I tell him that a small part of me will always love his papa because he helped make the King of Everything… but no, his mama and papa don’t like each other very much right now.
“Why, mama? Why don’t you like papa?” Such a little question with such grown up answers.
“Well, honey, when two people are not nice to each other for a long time, and don’t ever try to make things right again, you stop liking each other. You get too hurt. That’s what happened to me and papa. That’s why it’s important to always try to fix things when you hurt someone’s feelings. You don’t want the hurt to stay.” He nodded sagely, his blue eyes so full of brightness and hope. “I love you, mama,” he whispered, putting his still small hands on my cheeks.
I’m sorry we couldn’t salvage this for your sake, Boo. When you’re a grown-up I’ll show you the list of alternatives I offered your father to avoid splitting up — including a marriage blanc. I really would have tried almost anything to keep the family together for your sake. Anything but stay in the UAE as a divorced mother of a little boy, with no power over my own visa and no guarantee that you’d be able to stay with me in that country.
Tags: anger, children, counseling, divorce, kids, love, single-mom, single-mother, staying-togetherRelated Stories
POSTED IN: leaving, love, separation, spouse
12 opinions for How not to break up.
Carrie
Nov 21, 2006 at 7:33 am
Ugh, I feel the same way, my daughter turned three yesterday, and she has started asking to go to her dads house because she is allowed milk there all the time, instead of after finishing her meals as she has to here.
I always make sure they (yes, new fiance and her child, AND the child they are expecting) are included in our days. When we pick out letters in books and on trains I always point out the ‘D for Daddy.’
I know for a fact I am not mentioned there, because the fiance doesn’t want me to be a part of her new life.
What a joke, I often feel like saying “Tiger, your dad is a jerk who rarely pays a dime for you, and who is always late and rude..”
But I know, just like you - we won’t hurt our babies like that. It might be true, but they do not need to know.
Good luck in the future xx
christina
Nov 21, 2006 at 9:59 am
Any time my son doesn’t get his way, he says, “I want my daddy” which cracks me up, because he doesn’t call his father ‘daddy’, he calls him ‘papa’. So I know he’s just yanking my chain. He doesn’t talk about his papa very often, because he’s a boy, and because his father wasn’t very involved in his day to day life (one of the reasons we broke up). Sometimes the little guy asks me for a new father, but some days he only wants the one he’s got.
I’m very sorry your situation is so awkward. Your daughter will figure out the truth on her own some day. You are her comfort, her everything, her mama. Nothing will take that away.
Karen
Nov 21, 2006 at 10:14 pm
Those were very moving words. I am sorry that your husband did not want to try counseling. For those of you reading this, there is a program called Retrouvaille. It is a weekend where they teach you to communicate. There is no counseling involved, but it does help turn marriages around. If you’re at that place where you’re decided whether or not to divorce, I’d suggest giving Retrouvaille a chance. Just google their site. Again, I’m sorry that your husband did not want to seek counseling. I am saddened at how people are willing to “throw away” the years they had together without giving a shot at other alternatives.
Kate
Nov 22, 2006 at 4:06 am
I am still married, but our experience with counselling was not a positive one. It’s a culturally specific thing and the idea of roles within a marriage is often stronger than the idea of communication and partnership.
For us, the difference has not been more communication, but a division of labour and responsibility that gives life routine and less room for conflict. That doesn’t mean we have traditional roles where he works and I stay home. It means that what I do and take care of is different than what I do and take care of. He does laundry, I do cooking and dishes. He does kindergarten drop off, I do pick up. We play together as a family every night after work.
For many people, counselling is the last thing on the list of things you have to do before you break up. It certainly isn’t a cure. In fact, it’s not even a treatment for a lot of communication diseases.
Kids experience both of their parents differently than their parents experience each other. Differently, but characters are the same and kids do draw conclusions and form habits based on those personalities they’re exposed too.
I really do think that a lot of “children of divorce” grow up and thank their lucky stars that one parent decided to end a stressful charade.
christina
Nov 24, 2006 at 6:46 pm
Karen, thank you for sharing that. I’m going to look into it more and see if I can move the info up into blog headline space.
As a friend of mine recently told me, “Your ex must be insane to let you go.”
It’s nice to have friends.
Karen
Nov 24, 2006 at 7:20 pm
I think the reason for so many divorces is that people just let hard feelings and lack of communication come between them. Harsh words get said and bitter feelings begin . . . and never end. If a marriage is going to work, then the bitterness has to end and people have to work towards the common goal. I think Retrouvaille is a good place to start that beginning. I’m sure the information will be helpful to your readers.
christina
Nov 25, 2006 at 10:07 pm
Yup, as I try to explain to my son, you have to make things right. We all hurt each other sometimes. But the best of us always try to make things better.
christina
Nov 26, 2006 at 6:25 pm
Kate, I would advise counseling as a step to take even before two people get married. We aren’t expected to jump into any big thing in our lives without a little help and education, I don’t see why we would assume that marriage and living with the same human being, with all the faults and flaws on both sides, would be something we’d all assume we can just ‘do’. I had been asking my husband since the day we moved overseas to go to counseling with me, or help me find the money to at least go myself. His memory of this is of course much different. I’m so grateful that I am free to take care of myself and my son, now. However convoluted life ever becomes, I will never sacrifice myself or my child.
Karen
Nov 26, 2006 at 10:30 pm
I am still married and I remember our premarital counseling. It lasted about 15 minutes. That wasn’t really counseling, now was it? Some pastors require a couple to take a series of classes or counseling sessions. I think it’s a terrific idea. My husband is an ordained minister and he feels it is his responsibility and obligation to take couples through counseling before marrying them. I wish that someone would have taken the time to counsel us before and after marriage. It really is a hard adjustment. It was especially hard to me because I was young and still in college.
My husband and I have advised only 2 couples not to marry. They did not listen and they are now divorced. That’s not saying that we have some kind of magical touch. It just seems that people on the outside can sometimes see things that we don’t see when we’re in the infatuation stage of our relationship.
I have found that many couples are offended at the mention of premarital counseling. It’s like they think that they’ve got it all figured out, nothing could go wrong, and how dare someone suggest that things aren’t totally perfect. Truly, this is fantasy that is influenced by the infatuation stage. I do think that this is one reason why so many people do not go through the premarital counseling. I guess another reason would be simply that their church, pastor, etc does not offer or suggest it.
I think it is sad that a spouse is not willing to go through counseling, but I’ve already said that before. Almost any relationship can be salvaged, but it takes both people willing to make it work. The problem is that many times it’s just one person that is willing to make the effort.
christina
Nov 26, 2006 at 10:41 pm
It’s hard work to stay married. I’m sure not going to do it again. Well, maybe when the kid’s in college and if I’ve known someone for ever and we feel like being silly…
LOL watch, I’ll live to regret these words.
Karen
Nov 26, 2006 at 10:50 pm
Christina: I’m sure you will find someone some day. Just give yourself time to heal. No doubt you’ll find someone when you least expect it.
You’re right though. It is hard to stay married. Somedays you just want to throw your hands up and walk out. Somedays you want to scream. Somedays everything is fine and you wonder how it could be any different. It is hard to live with someone totally different than yourself, that’s for sure.
christina
Nov 27, 2006 at 7:20 am
I talk to people a few years out from the divorce… some are still scared to date, some are wading in like the water’s fine. Everyone is walking that fine balance between what they need and want, and what’s good for their children. What a mess. Right now, I’m thankful for the kindness I have found all around me, and the folks who have taken the King of Everything under their wings.
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