Knowing when to let go…
We each of us harbor crazy dreams, hopes, wishes that you know in your sane moments can never come true. Often, the biggest mistake we make about people is imposing upon them what we see as their potential to become, rather than accepting the skin they are in, physically and metaphorically, at the present moment in time.
As you move through your life and interact with other people, please take a moment and listen to your internal conversation. If you hear yourself sighing in a swoony inner voice, “He (or she) is just perfect, if only…” STOP RIGHT THERE.
Is it a big ‘if only’ or a little one? Do you finish that sentence with something silly like, “…if only he’d admit he’s going bald and lose the comb-over…” or is it something more serious, having to do with emotional problems or financial crises? Do you find yourself waiting for things to get better? Do you find you’re giving the people in your life the benefit of the doubt more often than not, making excuses, holding your breath?
If you’ve got a slew of ‘yes, but…’ backing up in your brain, you might have to get out the pencil and paper and weigh the value of the relationship against its inevitable toll. And let me tell you one thing I know is true, beyond a shadow of a doubt: Drugs. Drunks. Debtors who spend wrecklessly. Angry people. Someone who hits… These are all occasions where you get out. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Get out. If you still love that person you might be able to help him or her from a safe distance, but your first priority is to keep yourself and your children safe.
That said, if all that person’s doing to annoy you in life is chewing with an open mouth, I think it’s safe to say you can decide if you can live with it or no. But remember, you probably can’t change it.
Tags: abusive relationships, devotion, friendship, love, loyalty, single-mom, single-mother
7 opinions for Knowing when to let go…
JP
May 15, 2008 at 8:13 am
Ah.
From the headline (I don’t read tags), I thought this would be about child-rearing. First paragraph was in sync with that expectation.
Which would have been a lot sticker a subject than the one on which the post is actually about. And that gave me this thought:
Part of the honest conversation we need to hear from our insides is what compromises we are making to get along with this other. We are wholes, and to not react when annoyed (or worse) requires us to change an entire behavior that is the basis for our annoyed (or worse) perception. Something becomes altered in our mental landscape as a result.
To put it more simply, I realized that I had begun to submerge some of my favorite bits of myself, the ones I valued most highly, to get along with that other, And that’s when the break was final. It didn’t become final, but with the realization came the realization that there was no possible future I would choose.
No, we can’t change others. We can, sometimes, help bring them to a point where they want to change of their own volition. That actually happens in relationships that work over time, why older couples seem to become more alike, why long-standing friends appear sometimes a siblings,
But if we have be not us to get along, it’s time to go along.
Much agreement, just more words.
Solomother
May 15, 2008 at 10:49 am
JP, I see where you might have been thinking about a post on letting children grow and make their own mistakes… sadly, there are darker issues in the world today and occasionally, we need to remember that we are deserving of a safe, healthy life full of safe, healthy people.
JP
May 15, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Christina,
Oh, indeed. I misapprehended the crux of what you sought to convey.
“Drugs. Drunks. Debtors who spend wrecklessly. Angry people. Someone who hits… ”
Yes, yes, go, get out, get the hell out, do not tarry, LEAVE.
Narcissists cannot be good partners at anything, because for them others are mere shadows of the self. But oh, can they inflict pain.
Yes, depart, and may the wind be at your back, the road rise up to meet your tread.
Tim
May 15, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Thank you for raising this important subject. My sister spent several years counseling battered spouses as a social worker. She often found the battered spouse would rationalize the abuse, and this was a serious barrier to her improvement. It was often a major realization by the spouse that leaving bruises and occasionally broken bones, along with the emotional scars, was not love, it was violence, and there was no situation that justified it. And he didn’t get a free pass because he was drunk, either.
I recognize the cases my sister saw were extreme, but Christina’s point is valid in less serious cases. Abusive or risky relationships must be terminated, immediately. It’s seldom that easy, since battered spouses can feel emotionally and financially trapped in these relationships. But ultimately, the spouse needs to be able to recognize the warning signs and pull herself and her children away from the abuse.
christina
May 15, 2008 at 9:59 pm
JP, I’m going to have to type out your definition of narcissist and send it to a couple of people I know.
christina
May 15, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Thank you, Tim. It is hard to leave. If a woman can’t do it for herself, she absolutely must do it for her children.
That goes for men in abusive situations, too. dammit.
Blending families
Nov 10, 2008 at 6:28 pm
[…] As you move through the dating pool, pay close attention to how your prospective dates describe themselves. Are they ready for a life of jet-setting around the world? Then that person might not be ready for a kid, either. Does he talk alot about himself–or about the ex? Listen to your inner voice, is there anything that’s setting off warning bells? […]
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