Listen up, divorced dads
This diatribe will go just as well towards vindictive, angry mothers as it will fathers but, as I’ve just gotten done with a tour of the Blogosphere and read some of the nasty, crappy things some fathers have done to their children to get back at their ex’es… this post will address revenge-seeking fathers.
You suck.
What purpose can it possibly serve to be cruel to your kids just to spite their mother? What are you, insane? Do you really think it’s a good idea to prove your ex right? To make your children turn away from you so you can try to lie to all and sundry about how she has ‘poisoned them against you’? Do you really think that withholding your love will make your children love you more? Do you think punishing your child for having a gift that reminds you of your ex will make your child feel safe and secure in your presence?
You’re an idiot.
Know this: If you try to poison your children against your ex, you will only succeed in turning your children against you. It might not happen today. It might not happen until you yourself are to become a grandfather, and suddenly your child will no longer welcome you into his house, into her arms. If you try to manipulate your children to exact revenge on your ex, you will only hurt your kids and drive them away from you.
Friends ask me why I send my ex text messages reminding him to call his son when too many weeks have gone by (yes, weeks) without a word. Why bother? they wonder. Why on earth are you doing this? Dammit, I’m not doing it for my ex. I’m doing it for my son. It broke my heart to hear him say, “I guess we’re just not that important to him…” when too many days had gone by without a word from his papa. A three year old kid. And this is what he says to me. My attempts to explain it away, to lessen the blow, don’t amount to much. “He’s probably just busy, baby. He’s probably just working a lot…” I try to say. I get a wide, blue-eyed glance. “You work a lot, mama.”
No matter what your feelings are for your ex, you keep it nice in front of the children. You hear me?
I know that non-custodial parents feel the pull of absence. I know so many kind, loving, involved fathers who are aching to be more involved in their childrens’ lives, who move wherever their ex wife’s career takes her and the children… fathers who make themselves available without fail on their ‘days’ with the kids, who feel ill when circumstances force them to miss a visit, who offer themselves as babysitters when the ex needs a night out or has to work late. I know fathers who have every right to be bitter and resentful of their ex partners, but who are cordial and polite for the sake of their children.
If you hate your ex, if you want to hurt her, then get some help. Write all the nasty stuff you want to do and say in a journal and then burn it. Get counseling. Go run until you puke. But don’t use your children to wound.
And one last word on trying to hurt your ex through the kids: Child support? It’s for the children. If you don’t pay your child support, you are hurting your kids. There’s no other way to put it. If you don’t pay your children their money, you are doing them harm. Quit using child support to ‘get back’ at your ex.
I’m going to go root up some happy stories about nice divorces now. Harumph.
Image credit: Broken Heart #2 by Alcino on Flickr
Tags: child support, cruelty, divorce, mental-abuse, non-custodial-parent, revenge, single-mom, single-mother, solo-mother
8 opinions for Listen up, divorced dads
JP
Jan 17, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Just discovered your blog a short while ago. I’m enjoying going through it, just kind of randomly. Wish the internet and blogging were as big when I went through what you’re going through. You’d have helped me, having a sharp but not nasty wit and sharing what you’ve learned (even through reflection) would’ve helped a lot, as I imagine and hope it helping others now.
This entry reminded me of a comic strip I cut out shortly after the separation on the way to divorce. In it, a divorced parent and teenager are walking side by side.
FRAME ONE: The teenager is describing the ways in which the parent not present has really messed up their life, then turns to the present parent and says, “But you never say anything about that. Why not?”
FRAME TWO: “Because,” says the parent, “it’s not my place to say bad things about [the other parent].”
FRAME THREE “Wow,” says the teenager, “that’s awfully big of you…. I don’t have to be that big, do I?”
FRAME FOUR: “Heck no, you’re victim. Go nuts.”
I still have it, a decade later.
You are correct. It is wrong, wrong, ten-ways-to-Sunday wrong, to use a child to exact vengeance against the other parent (or anyone else, for that matter).
Parents should be required to show a thorough grounding in ethics (I prefer Aristotle’s) before proceeding to any discussion or decision of custody. That, too, should be decided in the best interests of the child, and simple formulations of living space, money or gender are not so automatically relevant as our courts are wont to believe. (Bit of anger here.)
christina
Jan 17, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Thank you, JP. I’m sorry you know what I’m going through. If I could be the last person to experience a bad marriage, wouldn’t that be an amazing world to live in?
Ah well, I’m still an idealist.
The worst thing about being this single mother is listening to the pain expressed by single fathers whose children don’t live with them, anymore. I wish I could fix it. I wish there were some other way. 50-50 is the closest fix we have, but still it’s not enough. Being a part-time parent sucks.
I like the cartoon. I can almost remember it… who wrote it?
I dread going through the court system to finalize all of this. And I’ve got the upper hand, if I want it. But I don’t want an ‘advantage’. I just want what’s best for the Kid. If his father lived in this country, in this city, we’d have a much different arrangement. But he chose to remain, half a world away. Sad. I can’t imagine why, or how he does it.
JP
Jan 18, 2008 at 7:55 pm
The strip was penned by Trudeau, early/mid-90s as a Doonesbury entry.
The other one I have, don’t recall who did it, has a small child stating something to a parent (who we see only from behind) like “Well, the red streaks symbolize man’s inhumanity to man, the green circles represent the importance of love, and the gold stars symbolize the transcendence of hope. But if you see wittle duckies in the wa-wa, well, hey, you’re the adult.”
Your sentiment on “the last bad marriage,” oh do I agree. It also sounds like the founding statement of a powerful social movement. And I do not mean that pejoratively.
How to explain to a child (much less oneself) why the other parent doesn’t seem to care? After a certain level of emotional and intellectual maturity on the part of my child, I just stopped temporizing, offering excuses for the other. I just said, “I don’t know why it seems that way, love.” The dealt with whatever followed. Children are amazingly resilient and flexible; but it seems to also be the case that experienced pain is far more healthy in the long run than mentally suppressed or ignored pain. Literally, that way madness (of unpredictable sorts) lay.
My own experience on courts was this: I gave more than I was required to on several fronts, because not to do so would have brought on vicious hostility, and I believed that would not be best for our child. I compromised against my better judgement on other points, for the same reason.
For about two years, I ended up paying more than half my net income in child support, wrecked my credit rating, nearly got evicted I don’t know how many times (many friends, at different times, helped me stave off the axe), and ate rice with every meal, sometimes only that (except when our child was with me), for the better part of three years.
In the end, it didn’t matter. Problems arose that would not have, had the settlement been more equitable. Our child would have been farther ahead in school and social development had I stood firmer. My gut says use the upper hand to achieve what you believe to be a just settlement in the best interests of the King of Everything — but also realize that if you have to repress too much that will likely hamper your ability to be the parent you want to and can be.
You seem nice, and I am not, particularly, though, so trusting your idealistic heart may be a good path. Perhaps Ronald Reagan expressed it best: “Trust, but verify.”
I wish you well, and wisdom, as you make this part of your journey.
christina
Jan 19, 2008 at 10:25 am
I’ll get back to you on this one, JP. Yes, I am, unfortunately, a nice person. I’m trying to be a less nice one.
I know too many fathers who have given too much in the ‘best interest’ of their children. it didn’t work out that way.
JP
Jan 20, 2008 at 12:45 am
Wow.
How screwed up (I’d use stronger terms, but I try to save my profanity for face to face communications) is it that ANYONE could write, and seriously mean…
“Yes, I am, unfortunately, a nice person. I’m trying to be a less nice one. ”
Shudder.
Allow me to suggest, if I may so presume, a redefinition of what it is to be nice, rather than an abandoning of niceness. There is nice today, in the moment, a kind of Zen niceness, which is what is usually meant by nice.
But there is also long-term niceness. I mean, being nice to a heroin addict means doing everything you can to get them to experience the unknowable agony of withdrawal. It’s downright cruel in the now, but very nice at a later date.
Perhaps, the ability to discern when the situation calls for long-term niceness and when short-term niceness would allow nice people to be nice and not get walked on by not nice people.
There just are too few truly decent, nice people in this world. ‘Twould be a damned shame to lose even one.
christina
Jan 20, 2008 at 10:13 am
:) I’ll be more accurate in my not-niceness, then. I will continue to always be kind, but I’m working on standing up for myself, my son, and my beliefs, not remaining silent or allowing myself to be steamrolled by those less kind than I.
How’s that? Not to worry, niceness is ingrained in me. I’m incapable of being anything else, long-term. And I’ve had to be long-term nice to a heroin addict, once. But at least he’s still alive, and teaching history in Boston, I believe.
Life.
JP
Jan 22, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Oh, I hope I did not come across as demanding and bossy. My motivation was heartfelt, my plea one of desperation.
Perhaps the Wiccan principle of the three-fold law of return would be a decent guide. Or, we could apply to Ladies as well this particular gem from Christopher Hitchens: “IA Gentleman never insults someone unintentionally.”
Wow. I meant the heroin addict bit metaphorically. Guess you understand what I wrote better than I do.
Then again, when protecting a child is involved, I don’t think nice even enters into it. “Terminate with exetreme prejudice,” as the military would say, all that threatens the welfare of a child in one’s care.
christina
Jan 22, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Oh no, you’re not being demanding or bossy. I do try to live by the adage, do no harm. I’m not very good at it but I try.
I had a good talk with my kid’s principal last year. He didn’t think I was being unreasonable, just being a mother bear protecting her young.
:)
Have an opinion? Leave a comment: