Solo Mother

25 opinions for Mom lets 9 year old ride subway alone, gets skewered… Kid’s fine

• Jenny
  Apr 9, 2008 at 7:27 pm

  I’m kinda with you on this one, Solo Mother. On the one hand, I can see people getting upset because every one of them would be, as I would be, sick with worry. Yet, I also know this kind of exercise is necessary — how else is the kid supposed to learn his way around? Indeed, how is he supposed to learn how to keep his cool if he ever finds himself without Mom? Sometimes teaching our children how to survive in the world means we parents will be very uncomfortable. Unfortunately, it seems there are a lot of people who prefer to hold children responsible for their parents’ emotional comfort.

• christina
  Apr 9, 2008 at 7:31 pm

  JENNY! Exactly. I love your last sentence. It should be in a fortune cookie.
  Unfortunately, it seems there are a lot of people who prefer to hold children responsible for their parents’ emotional comfort.

  utter clarity on why this all bugged me so much. THANKS!

• Leslie
  Apr 10, 2008 at 11:50 am

  A friend recently mentioned when she came to meet us for dinner that she’d left her 10 year old home for the first time (until her husband got there in 30 min) like it was a big fuss.

  Maybe it’s the single parent in me not having the luxury of having a husband to trade off with but yeah, I think a kid can survive just fine at home for a while at that age without earning a badge. At that age I was watching my sister, biking to another neighborhood to babysit, out the door with friends and *gasp* no cell phone. Being from the ‘burbs I’m not as familiar with subway travel but I’m sure I would’ve and I not though twice about it.

  I think training kids to be independent, resourceful & think for themselves is always a good thing. And I don’t think it’s putting them in anymore harm’s way than normal life. If anything they’ll be a little more prepared should they need help someday while alone - where to look, who’s safe to ask.

• Pushing the bird from the nest… « From The Gray Fortress
  Apr 10, 2008 at 1:01 pm

  […] already spilled out my thoughts on Solo Mother’s blog on this article. Are kids capable of more that we expect of them these days, […]

• Kelly
  Apr 10, 2008 at 2:13 pm

  I don’t know… I’ve always thought of myself as a fairly laid back parent, but I would never let my 12 yo daughter ride a subway or public bus by herself. Her middle school is a couple of miles away and I won’t let her ride her bike or walk there. There are too many crazies out there. Have you ever done one of those online searches for sex offenders in your area? It’s incredible how many are within a mile from almost any location.

  Forget pedophiles, you’ve got people talking on their cell phones or putting on makeup while driving, and I don’t like the idea of my kid crossing streets with all that going on. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable in trying to protect her from that.

  I agree that kids need to learn to be self-sufficient, but I do have limits of what kind of risks I’m willing to take for that.

  P.S. I’ve only been to New York once, as a teen with my family. I want to go back and visit and thought about taking a vacation there with my daughter, but I decided it would be too dangerous for even me (being unfamiliar with the area), let alone her, to go by ourselves. I wonder though… is my perception of NY just clouded by its bad reputation? Maybe it’s not as bad as I think? Because in the New York I’ve got in my mind, I can’t imagine letting a 9 year old wander by himself.

• christina
  Apr 10, 2008 at 2:21 pm

  Kelly, New York is now ranked one of the safest American cities. A quote from the Today piece: “Recent federal statistics show New York to be one of the safest cities in the nation – right up there with Provo, Utah, in fact.”

  I grew up in Washington, DC in the 80’s, with the gang and drug related killings, and I was allowed to roam free. Granted, we didn’t live in one of ‘those’ neighborhoods, but still. Today, crime rates are down to where they were in 1965.

  I’m going to have to post a follow-up to this conversation because I think the flip side to ‘oh there are all the bad guys out there!’ is the very real question, “well, where are all the good guys hiding, then!?”

• Kelly
  Apr 10, 2008 at 2:24 pm

  Wow, Chrisitina - that’s good to know about New York. Really interesting. It goes back to what you said about the media clouding our judgement.

• Amy
  Apr 11, 2008 at 11:00 pm

  I do not think that most children have the experience to know what to do if something different happens.

  What if a subway is diverted? What if he goes up the wrong staircase… those subway stations are mazes!

  BUT - I also think there is no one answer to this - it absolutely depends on the parent & the child & the parent knowing that the child is able to stand up for himself (ask directions), not fluster easily, etc etc - it could be 10, it could be 20.

• kris
  Apr 12, 2008 at 12:38 pm

  I started letting myself in after school when I was seven - because my ten year old sister couldn’t keep a house key without losing it. I took the public transit (bus) to school from the age of ten, and started taking the subway alone when I was twelve. It definately wasn’t safe - two girls my age had gone missing in my neighbourhood, and one of them never did turn up. But I had places to go and my Mom was either working or busy (another soloMom).
  That said, I see myself as one of the parents who won’t let my boy out of my sight. He’s only two now, so who knows, but I’m so attached to him, and fearful of what could happen to him. Maybe I will learn to trust in the next few years …

• Janna
  Apr 12, 2008 at 10:26 pm

  First let me say, I found this from a forum on livejournal.
  My first opinion on this was that the mother was crazy. I have a 9 year old and i would NEVER let him do that.
  Then I took a step back and thought about the things I was doing at age 9.
  I think the key to whether or not this is ok is the emotional state of the child versus just the age.
  My 9 year old is behind for his age. He’s been held back in kindergarten and has ADHD along with learning disabilities. I don’t think he would be able to read the map much less be able to navigate his way back home.
  My 7 year old on the other hand while he has ADHD is much more mature for his age and in 2 years I think he would be able to do this.
  Of course in AZ we don’t have subways but if we did I think he would be ok.

  SO I changed my opinion. No this mother is not crazy. You have to know your child and if they are able to handle riding the subway alone or not. Obviously, she felt her child was old enough, and mature enough to do this or else she would not have allowed. And when looking at the big picture…OMG she left her child ride a subway*gasp* the horrors…what a bad mom she must be right? She taught her child self reliance, independence, how to read a map…all skills that will benefit them later in life so I don’t think it was so bad after all.

  That’s my 2 cents

• christina
  Apr 12, 2008 at 10:55 pm

  Amy… I think we have done our children a grave disservice by removing their independence. Sure, I was in some difficult spots as a kid because I was allowed to be out on my own… but I knew what to do, I knew how to think, I knew how to be safe. My five year old knows how to read a map, knows my telephone number by heart, knows his address. He often guides me home, rather than letting me lead. We walk and ride the public transportation system every day, and he knows which busses take him to familiar territories. But he’s always been like that. As a toddler, he wandered off in a food court and my ex and I panicked in the crowd. We found the kid ten minutes later standing by our vacated table, waiting for us.

  If you teach your children how to navigate, they will be able to think out alternatives when things go wrong.

• christina
  Apr 12, 2008 at 10:58 pm

  Leslie, thanks for sharing that. At the risk of sounding like a conspiracy theorist, I’m sick and tired of this culture of fear… we’re so much easier to control when we’re all frightened of the Other… our society is disintegrating, and I’m tired of it.

• christina
  Apr 12, 2008 at 11:00 pm

  Kris, you and your son will work out what level of trust and competence you’re both comfortable with. I’ve been lucky to have a child who never darted out into the street, still holds my hand when we walk places, and is pretty responsible, even for five. I hope he finds a pack of friends in the neighborhood with whom he can roam when he’s older.

• christina
  Apr 12, 2008 at 11:02 pm

  Janna, welcome to SoloMother! I am glad you were able to step back from your knee jerk reaction and really think through what is going on, both with your family and this columnist’s.

  I think kids raised in a city are different than suburban ones. I think every child is different, and parents should simply encourage as much independence as possible. Life is a risk. If I started thinking about all the ways I could lose my life simply going about my day, I’m sure I’d go mad.

  Have faith. Life is basically good.

• cheryl
  Apr 23, 2008 at 7:46 am

  I can’t believe a mother would let her child go on a train in newyork at nine and say it’s ok because he bugged her to do it. Also to act like she didn’t care if her child lived or died and act like she wouldn’t know how it would feel if he did die. Now eveyone knows the story and knows him I bet she won’t let him do it again. Now even the perverts know him now. I think she used her son for this kind of a attention on talk shows and a story she could right. I think the state should step in help this boy not to think it o.k. to do crazy things his mother thinks is o.k. It’s not twenty or thirty years ago when it was safe.If that the way she wants to parent maybe she should be one.

• christina
  Apr 23, 2008 at 9:08 am

  Cheryl, I think you’re absolutely wrong, but I appreciate that you put your point of view out there.

• Dani
  Apr 24, 2008 at 10:49 pm

  I think this is all based on the child. At 9, i stayed home alone for short spurts of time, I walked alone to different places around the neighborhood,, i was left to babysit for short periods of time also. And that was all only 11 years ago. On the other hand, my step brother did not have the same independence that i did, he just wasn’t ready for it.

  Todays children have no idea what to do with themselves when left alone, with so many of them in organized activity from morning til bed, it’s no wonder at 20 -30 years old, “kids” are still calling their moms asking what colour couch to put in their apartment.

  I think this mom is a great mom, she taught her son to ride public transport, taught him to be independent, how to use a map, how to ask for help, and how to use public phones.

  Say the subway did have a detour, so what, he had a map, and could ask any ticket salesman which train to take. Or use a phone to call his mom. I rode a subway for the first time a year ago in a foreign country (at 19) it isn’t as confusing as it looks, there’s a map inside and outside of it, AND they announce the destination everytime they stop. Even a 9 year old could work it out.

• Charlotte
  Apr 29, 2008 at 11:15 pm

  Wow, this is quite a story. I can see both sides of the issue, but I tend to lean toward the “teach kids to be independent” side. My kids and I were actually just having a discussion about this last night. My 12 yo has a friend who is an only child of later in life parents, and he was expressing his sympathy for his friend’s lack of freedom. I recently moved into an apartment complex, and my kids love the freedom to wander and find friends to play with. I do check on them now and then, but even then, I do it more to make sure they aren’t bothering the neighbors or causing trouble rather than out of concern for their safety! After all, 3 boys out wandering are kind of like a pack of wild dogs! LOL

  As far as the subway adventure, I think I might have been the sneaky mom who followed the kid. Not just for safety purposes, but because I enjoy watching how my kids act without me around.

• tracy
  Jun 12, 2008 at 11:58 am

  hi
  I grew up in ny. I hopped on buses and took trains from the age of12. before that I rode my bike for miles and was away from home for hours and hours. I am the better for it. I am now a fearless person, who can find her way around no matter where I am. I travel to foreign places (far more dangerous than ny) and I feel confident.
  why push fear on our kids? why not let them walk around and know their world? Its called street smarts, and its essential. Coddling children never helps, it may make moms feel safe but these children eventully grow up and need to cope. Spoon feeding them will never make them into independant people. Trust me I have plenty of friends who were spoiled and they are clueless most of the time. I think what this mom did was great, i would do the same. Her son seems the better for it.
  thanks

• Greg P.
  Jul 17, 2008 at 8:11 pm

  “There are too many crazies out there.”

  That’s exactly the crap exaggerated by the media that this article questions.

  I am a 16 year old male in NYC, and though I was always mature for my age (not to toot my own horn or anything), the first time I rode the bus and/or subway alone I handled it perfectly fine. I don’t remember my exact age or anything, but still. It’s public transportation people, kids take it to and from school alone every day! Around here, they hand out metro cards to us from middle school up. I absolutely agree with the first poster: there comes a point when you have to let go. How is a kid supposed to know how to handle himself on his own without any prior experience. They organized it, specifically, as practice. She knew exactly where he was, and he had money for a pay phone.

  Suppose this had never occured, and he got lost one day. No map, and he had never ridden the subway before without his mother. What would happen then? If our kids are immature these days it’s because we are keeping them from maturing!

  I know those people who’s parents are too strict with them. My cousin is like that, even to the point of his mom telling them that he is a pool person and not an ocean person, probably to avoid sharks or rip currents or something like that. He is my age, but he is naive and clingy. He also has a lot of problems dealing with adversity. I sure as hell wouldn’t set him loose in the subway and tell him to come home. Do we really want all our children like that? I feel extremely sorry for the next generation.

• Greg P.
  Jul 17, 2008 at 8:22 pm

  I’m sorry I just wanted to add
  “I don’t like the idea of my kid crossing streets with all that going on. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable in trying to protect her from that.”

  I don’t mean to target you are anything, but your girl is 12, and she doesn’t cross the street by herself? Don’t you think that’s a little TOO overprotective?

• christina
  Jul 18, 2008 at 1:35 pm

  Greg, thank you for voicing your thoughts on this issue. I think it’s sad that so many of our children don’t know how to make their way, independently, anymore. Glad to know you’re out there!

• Debra
  Sep 29, 2008 at 3:37 pm

  I applaud Izzy and I applaud Izzy’s Mom.
  Most parents I know do not allow their children to do anything on their own stunting their emotional growth.

  The hysteria over child predators has grown as incredibly huge as the hysteria over second hand smoke. We tend to believe what we are hyped and then take it to the next level of fear. This is incredible to me that supposedly intelligent people alllow such manipulation by the media to affect their lives.

  I feel sorry for children that are underparented, and I feel equally if not more sorry for children who are overparented. Surely this is also a form of child abuse. Hovering over your children breeds nothing but fear and insecurities in the child while it makes the parent feel good.
  This is nothing but selfish behaviour.

  My eighteen year old niece does not know how to take the bus! She is emotionally crippled.

  Children cannot learn to be a person in their own right. A child that is hovered over is not capable of handling life’s situations because the parent handles all situations for them.
  To me this is sad.

• Debra
  Sep 29, 2008 at 4:42 pm

  I’d like to add something to what I previously written:

  As a child I walked to and from school. I walked or took a bus to my friends houses, major league baseball games, the zoo, the movies, the store.

  I was told never to go with anyone or to talk to strangers. My mother was constantly on our backs about strangers etc. She even went as far to say not to get into ANYONES car even if we KNEW them, ie, neighbors etc. She was always lecturing us on safety.

  I remember coming home and telling my Mother about a man in a blue van that was always circling the block. She told us to stay away from the van. She trusted that I/we were competant enough to do this. She did not get hysterical and lock me/us away in my room, or follow me around, or call me constantly.But my Mother allowed me to go out on my own (not without limits) and discover life, make mistakes, get lost, and,,,find my way home.

  I baby sat for the first time at age 11, and as far as the children of my time were much less aware of “adult” matters compared to the kids today,,,,we were much smarter in many other ways. We were ALLOWED to be more independent, to learn that life is not all rosy and sweet, to learn that I am not the apple of everyone’s eye like I am at home, to learn how to handle disappointments…..
  My parents were not afraid to disappoint me. They were not afraid to say no to me.
  They were loving, caring, but they were my parents, not my friends, and they were not afraid that I wouldn’t love them if they said no.
  My parents were never afraid that I was going to get mad at them and not love them anymore.
  My parents had the attitude that I as a parent now have: “They’ll get over it.”
  Today parents are saying no and yes to the wrong things.

  I feel hovering and coddling are related.

  My nephew is 12 and can’t make a sandwich or fix a bowl of cereal on his own. His mother coddles him to the point that he is totally dependent on her. I find this selfish. It makes her feel good to keep him as a child and yet it is crippling him. She monitors all activities with other children. Called his baseball coach because one of the other boys said he stinks (she also called the childs mother), will not allow him to go off with his cousins to ride the rides at an amusement park,,,he has to stay by her side at all times and ride rides with her or play games with her or her husband. Her fear is that the boys are going to tease him if he does’nt want to ride certain rides. His dad is his playmate, so if his dad doesn’t have time to play with him then he reads or plays on the computer.

  His school bus stop his on a residential street 2 blocks from his house and his mother, father or older sister drives or walks the two blocks everyday to make sure he isn’t walking home alone. The poor child has absolutely no confidence in himself…and it’s no wonder why.

  Again, I applaud Izzy’s mom for having the courage to let her son go out a little on his own.

  It is scary. But it is necessary. Don’t sacrifice your child to save yourself from worry. All parents have had to worry, and I don’t think the worry ever ends no matter how old your children are. But your/our job is to protect our children…and part of protecting them is teaching them that they are capable of doing some things on their own. Over protecting is just as harmful as neglect.

• Debra
  Sep 29, 2008 at 5:10 pm

  Ok………just one more thing….and I promise that is it! LOL.
  I just remembered this scenario with my Nephew and his mother.
  There was probably a caravan of 3 car loads of us who were all driving to Ocean City Maryland and we stopped at a rest stop to get a quick bite and use the restrooms and all the husbands took the cars to get gassed up and were going to meet us.

  My sister-in-law would not allow her 12 year old son to use the Men’s room! She brought him into the Ladies room! I was horrified. She was afraid that a pedophile was going to be in the men’s room so she wouldn’t let him go in there alone. The poor child is not even allowed to pee alone.

  This is pretty much on par with the poor child who is not allowed to cross the street at 12 years old. Give me a break.

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