Musing on the meaning of single by choice
I love the idea of single by choice mothers, no matter what the pundits in the pulpit or that man in the White House might think of it. To have a child purely out of the love and wonder of having a child? To know that you love that kid, and that you want that kid, and there’s no fear of losing a spouse to death or divorce? How liberating. I wish I could adopt. My son wants to be a big brother. I’d love to have more than one child in my life.
I’ve been thinking about the differences that single by choice might make, if not in the day to days of still having to juggle everything all by yourself… but that maybe, just maybe, being a single mom by choice takes some of the burden away because there’s no sense of loss accompanying your motherhood. Sure, single by choice moms might still sing the single mom blues: I’m tired, I’m broke, I’m lonely… but without a wistful air of what once was, just the matter-of-fact tone of, it is what it is.
what do you think? Does it make a difference in your sunny side up disposition if you chose to be a mother all by yourself from the get-go?
On that note, this tired, broke, lonely, and somehow utterly satisfied single mom is off to bed.
Tags: adoption, mom, mommy, single by choice, single-mom, single-mommy, single-mother-by-choiceRelated Stories
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11 opinions for Musing on the meaning of single by choice
Cindy
Apr 26, 2007 at 10:08 pm
As a soon to be single mother by choice, I think that if you dont know any different, you dont know any different. So it may be easier or harder or just different, but it will be all I know….as for adoption, if you want to do it there are always ways to make it happen for you. It isnt easy, but it is a way to add to your family. Good luck!
Christina
Apr 27, 2007 at 8:22 am
Hi Cindy. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. If you don’t know any better, you don’t know what you’re missing. I’m so excited for you on your journey. Please let us know how you and your new little one are doing!
Audrey
Apr 27, 2007 at 5:24 pm
Cindy…first of all, good luck. You are about to enter the most amazing experience of your life. As a single mom by choice of an 8 1/2 year old daughter, all I can say is you just gotta develop a thick skin. In our house, it’s always about what we do have rather than what we don’t. You’ll find that there are many insensitive people in this world. When I complain to a friend about a rough evening with my daughter, I’m often told it’s because I’m alone. I seriously doubt that my daughter’s lack of wanting to go to bed has anything to do with her not having a father. You’ll also find your married friends whining all the time about their husbands and they often wonder how you do it. Parenting is hard whether you have a partner or not. I love my daughter more than anything and we have a blast together.
christina
Apr 27, 2007 at 9:53 pm
Audrey, thanks for writing. The points you raise are so true. It hadn’t even occured to me that folks would say those sorts of things. I’m so glad you and your daughter have each other. Eight and a half!
Audrey
Apr 30, 2007 at 7:20 pm
Thanks Christina. Yes, 8 /12. Amazing how the years go so quickly. To further add to my above rant I guess the hardest thing about being an “SMC” is that I don’t have an ex-husband or ex-in-laws to take my daughter. My parents are great but they have a life, too. I’ve learned to take what I can and have managed to fit a boyfriend into the mix. Balance is just not part of my vocabulary although someday I hope to find it.
Theda K.
May 3, 2007 at 6:08 pm
Hi! Although I don’t know what it’s like to be a single mother not by choice, I think it helps to have chosen this at the outset. I never expected to have my child’s father in the picture. I never expected anyone to help us out. In short, I was emotionally prepared that it would be just the two of us.
I’ve talked to other single mothers who didn’t choose to go it alone, and they seem to be bitter. Angry at their ex husbands or their deadbeat baby-daddys. And they also seem to be angry at missing out on doing things without their kids.
I’m sure that’s not what every single mother who didn’t choose it feels, but that’s been the general sentiment of those that I know.
I have few resentment issues, because I knew this was what I was getting into. And I love nnot having to negotiate with anyone about child-rearing.
This is an interesting topic. I hope it continues.
Theda K.
christina
May 3, 2007 at 8:50 pm
Theda, thanks for sharing those insightful comments. I think there is less resentment among single by choice mothers, simply because they had always chosen single motherhood. I don’t know very many divorcees. I’d like to think I’m pretty far along the path of non-resentment, but it is frustrating that I’ll have to have a relationship with the very person I don’t want to hear from anymore, just for the sake of our son!!
Please drop by again!
Rebecca
Sep 1, 2007 at 7:22 am
I am a single mother by choice - I guess. I found out I was pregnant and bub’s dad wasn’t ready to be a father (I know) and I made the choice to go it alone. My daughter is almost two now and we have the most wonderful relationship. She has inspired me to reach for the stars and I am more determined then ever to be a role model for her. I am in my final year of a teaching degree and not only am I working hard, I am getting top grades too. I guess I’m out to prove a point.
There are good days and there are bad, but not for one minute do I regret my decision to become a single mum. I see other single mothers out there who struggle with custody, payments and decisions with their ex’s over their children togeter and I think I really have it easy. I get to make all of the decisions regarding my daughter and I didn’t have to go to court to sort everything out. My daughter’s father and I see each other occasionally and when we do it is happy and content. Bub’s is clear about who her father is and gets lots of love from him. But she only sees him from time to time and that works for both of us.
I certainly never invisaged myself as a single mother and the journey I have been on has been hard and made me a stronger person - but very worth while. As I sit here and watch my beautfiul little girl sleep, all the sacrifises I have made have been so worth it. To all of the other single mothers out there, be kind to yourself.
christina
Sep 2, 2007 at 11:05 pm
You are so right, Rebecca. Be kind. To ourselves, most of all.
Aren’t sleeping children the best?
MC
Jan 26, 2008 at 7:41 am
i am so glad i came accross this discussion board
I have recently found out i was pregnant.The guy i was seeing doesn’t want any part of it. My friends tell me they support any decision i make, but I believe i made it the moment i walked out of the doctors to call my brother. The moment i went home, folic tablets in hand, and started to take care of myself.
I know it won’t be easy, but the best things in life are those that don’t come easy, that you have to work for. I know i will get people insensitive with their comments. I think a lot of the time people just don’t see it from any way but theirs.
I will not have to deal with the father being a part of our lives. I will not have weekend daddy trips, or nights praying that dad calls his child on his birthday… or christmas….
i expect nothing from the father… i feel weird using the term father, as in my mind he never has been one, and never will be one… he’s just the doner, or the giver of a present that is growing inside of me, that has now given my life a purpose and a meaning. Something to work for, to strive for… to love and care for…
I have been told i am depriving the child of a family, but many families are single parent families, with children getting let down everyday by their fathers half-arsed attempts to be a parent…
my child will have loving grandparents, loving uncles and aunties, and loving adopted uncles and aunties as i seem to be much better at making good friends then keeping bad men :)
christina
Jan 27, 2008 at 9:31 pm
MC, I hope you have the help and resources you need to do this amazing thing. We’ll be cheering you on from here!
And yes, build a tribe for you and your child. It’s the best gift you can give yourselves.
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