Oh the guilt of the single mom
It’s hard to be four. It’s hard to be a single mom. It’s hard to be the single mom of a four year old.
Yesterday at around three, I got a message from the King of Everything’s summer camp. There had been an incident, the woman breathed into my answering service. Please call.
Of course, the first thought in my head was that he’d killed himself on the climbing wall or something (yes, they let him on the climbing wall with ropes and harness, why do you ask?) Why do they do that? Why don’t they say, “Your kid’s in deep trouble today, come get him”? Luckily, I got the counselor on the phone and found out the bad news. The Kid had bitten one of his peers.
BITTEN?
I walked to my boss’s desk with dread. For the first time since I took this job, i was going to have to go to my son at the expense of my CEO, with whom I was supposed to be meeting at that precise moment. “I… I… I…” taking a deep breath, my cheeks aflame, I started over. “I’m sorry. Something has happened at my son’s camp. I have to go.” He nodded, with an expression somewhere between annoyance and amusement.
I hated having to do this. All I could think of was being labeled as a single mom, as an unreliable woman who has drama in her life that might spill into the firm. Someone who wouldn’t show up to work on time, would have to leave early, would let the firm down. I walked the block to my son’s camp, my thoughts in a whirl. He bit someone? I told the CEO I had to leave? My kid BIT someone? I just walked out of my job? I’m living a life that makes me feel guilty for choosing my son, and guilty for not being able to bring him home and deal with whatever had caused him to bite in the first place? I was a mess.
He’s such a sweet, happy, funny kid. I couldn’t understand why he had bitten someone, and sad when I found out he would not be allowed to go to camp the next day as a consequence of his behavior. Again, the guilt. Would I have to work from home? Would I have to ask my mother to rearrange her plans to play warden? My anger and helplessness had nothing to do with what had happened, but was swirling around all the fallout.
Without blinking an eye, my mother said that she would take the kid for his suspension day. The kid explained that he bit that boy cause that boy was hugging him and his best friend and there’s no touching we’re not supposed to be touching and he wouldn’t let go of me and he was hugging MY friend and I bit him and all I could think of was thank God for my crazy, wonderful, supportive family.
And that the King of Everything hadn’t drawn blood.
I still feel as though I’ve failed someone; I can’t decide if it’s my boss or my kid, though. Another one for the couch, I suppose. If I had the time to see an analyst.
Tags: discipline, mother's guilt, single-mom, single-motherRelated Stories
POSTED IN: mother's guilt
11 opinions for Oh the guilt of the single mom
Ike
Jul 17, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Your comment on being labeled as a single mother really hit home! The new management of my company is from another culture and recently, in meeting with a new senior manager, I was subjected to a list of questions on now many children I have, what they do during the day, and what about my husband (and in his culture, it is a big no-no to be divorced)? Shortly after that meeting, I had to dash out to pick up my daughter at her summer theatre program. I made it for the last 15 minutes of that day’s performance. Oh, the guilt and the “single mom-ness” of it all …
Thanks for writing a piece we can all relate to!
Liz
Jul 17, 2007 at 9:09 pm
I totally understand!
Kelly
Jul 18, 2007 at 12:08 pm
I totally get how you feel, but of course there’s no need to feel guilty. My daughter’s daycare group went through a period where everyone was biting each other, and the teacher said it was normal for that age. They are still learning how to clearly express themselves, so sometimes when they get frustrated they don’t handle it well.
I think most bosses are pretty understanding, usually having kids themselves (though maybe not on their own). Mine have always been really good about letting me leave early for appointments and such and just making it up later in the week.
Kat
Jul 18, 2007 at 2:52 pm
Boy do I remember those days as a out of the home working single mom.
Boy do I ever.
I got fired from a job at Paneras (go ahead, let them sue me for saying this) because as my manager put it when I had to leave due to my youngest being sick at summer camp, (like violently throwing up) “Your priorities are in the wrong place.”
I live in Florida, a right to work state. They can fire you for any reason they want as long as they don’t say something discriminatory like that.
I thought about suing for all of 2 seconds, then I said to myself, “Kat, why would you ever want to work for someone who wants you to choose your job over the health and safety of your own child?”
I told the manager to go [bleep] his [bleeping] self and his dog while he was at it, and walked out.
Never feel guilty for taking care of your child. Ever.
Jobs come and go, your children are there for life.
Leslie
Jul 18, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Oh what a rough day, at least there was no harm done! My son was bit and I think the sitter was prepared for me to blow up but it happens (providing there’s no harm and it’s not a habit ya know) and they learn :)
My dad prefers to hire people with families, kids, etc–it may require a little schedule juggling every now and then but he figures they’ve got a reason to need the job and will be there!
christina
Jul 18, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Oh, Ike, I’m sorry you missed the performance. I’ve missed so many of my kid’s ‘things’ recently. It’s awful.
christina
Jul 18, 2007 at 8:58 pm
Thanks, Liz. At least I’m not nuts. It IS hard.
christina
Jul 18, 2007 at 8:59 pm
Kelly, I do have a very understanding firm to work for. The conflict is all mine. I tried very hard not to take the Kid’s poor behavior as a reflection on my parenting skills… again, the conflict is all mine. It’s all in my head. Damned perfectionist!
christina
Jul 18, 2007 at 9:05 pm
KAT! Oh my.
At least now I know why I’ve never liked Paneras. Must have been in advance solidarity for you!
Andrea
Jul 19, 2007 at 10:44 am
You’re definitely not nuts. I hate that label, “single mom,” and the notions it implies, as if I chose this for myself. It makes me just want to scream at everyone, “GUESS WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH!”
But of course I have no need to explain myself to anyone. I just feel like I need validation.
christina
Jul 19, 2007 at 4:06 pm
One of the neat things about growing older is the wisdom to someday put aside the labels, including the label of survivor of violence, and let it all go. Trust me on this one, I know. It all washes away eventually, if you work hard to unpry your fingers and let it go. It’s nice to be free of it finally; validation eventually is a crutch that gets in the way of living a life.
My single mom label is a very recent thing, and I’m chafing against it. Some day, I’ll be free of it, too. I hope you find peace.
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