OK, so the ex is gone… now what?
Single mothers all over are nodding their heads and sighing over this one. The ex swoops in, the kid’s in heaven for a few days or weeks or whatnot, and then you’re left to pick up the pieces. No more dessert right before bedtime. No more stops at the toy store every day. No more special vacations, trips, and dispensations.
It’s back to Boring Old Mom again.
My kid cried when his father left. Then he turned to me and said, “Now I have no one to play with.”
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
And in a certain sense, he’s right. I’m the drill master. When he finally sees me at the end of my work day, it’s time for the Routine. My parents usually give the boy dinner (yes, I work that late most nights) and so all that’s left for me to do is get us home, bathed, jammied, and ready to read books and snuggle. Even then, we can’t seem to get to bed before eight, and the Kid needs to be asleep by seven. It’s a no win situation. He’s often frustrated with me because he wants to play just a little bit longer, or wants three more books, or just a little time to be. I don’t blame him. And then his papa visits for a week and our boring little schedule goes right out the window. Tonight, my son was throwing a fit because he couldn’t have lemonade and cookies for dessert, but had to settle for milk and apples–and THEN he could have a few sweeties.
The hardest part of having the ex here was the illusion of what life could have been like… if we had been completely different people. If we had been the kind of couple who divvied up the responsibilities of dinner, bath, dishes, books, homework, laundry, work, cooking, cleaning, dusting, breakfast and lunch, straightening, bills, kisses and booboos and laughter and heartaches.
So now the Papa Carnival has left town and it’s back to boring old Mom again.
Tags: discipline, routine, visitationRelated Stories
POSTED IN: divorce
6 opinions for OK, so the ex is gone… now what?
Joanne
Sep 6, 2007 at 1:33 am
We as a single mom need to plan ahead for many things, especially on how to keep both kids and ourselves happy when their father is not with us, but not let the kids feel that father times is the only happy moment to them.
Of course, it’s hard for a working single mom, but I’m happy that I did it. My ex came back to visit us last Saturday, as I know he’s not on time almost every time, so I did not tell the kids their father is coming, when he arrived kids were playing happily, and you know what they asked their father? I think man who choose to left the family should ponder and ponder again and again.
My daughter noticed her father was home, and ask: “hey daddy, why are you here? what are you doing here?” he does not know how to react with this unexpected question, me too. Then followed my son asking the same question like nobody care who-ever-expecting-you-to-come kind of sense and ask: “hey daddy, why are you here? what are you doing here?”
By then he responded: “I’m here to visit you”.
Hello men, you are not only losing a marriage, but your bonding with your own children.
Joanne
http://www.imhappyfish.com/blog
Bill
Sep 9, 2007 at 7:33 am
Wow! That was brilliant! I am serious, not sure how you stumbled onto that course of action but it is genius in its simplicity. One would think that comment from the kids would be an epiphany or at least a mild slap in the face to wake someone up.
Then again people (especially men) can be clueless.
I for one cherish my kids; they are my reason for being and my strength. I have been amazed (stunned is probably a better word) over the years at men who can walk out on their children like they are nothing more than a possession and feel no remorse for the effect they have and the damage they are doing to not just the child, but the adult that the child will become.
I watched my sister go through this over 20 years ago. Loser of a husband and quite naturally he became the stereotypical “deadbeat dad”. Of course I (and others) tried to help where we could as well as attempt to fill in the gap but I firmly believe that a child needs to feel the love of both parents in order to feel whole.
Please understand that I am not trying to lecture or say that as a single parent you cannot possibly raise a child. Quite the contrary, you do what you have to do and make the best of it. What I am trying to say is that any parent, man or woman that does this to a child is in my mind a monster. Our children our precious, they carry on the characteristics of our personalities, our beliefs, strengths, likes and dislikes as well as our weaknesses. While adding all of the above of their own to the mix as adults… long after we are gone.
This is the beauty of having children, this is what amazes me… how can someone not want to be a part of that?
I see my boys every other weekend and occasionally a night or two during the week for dinner etc. I feel guilty for not being there with them, it was hard at first. But as their mom had found someone during our initial 3 month separation (prior to us getting back together) (long story) and has been living with this guy for nearly two years now there is an entire other raft of emotions that had to be dealt with… jealousy mainly, not that he was with her (mutually agreed separation) mainly that someone else was spending time with my boys (see above: influence on the make up of the person the kids will become) I chose an apartment very close to my boys so we could spend as much time as possible together.
Our time together now is actually more quality time than when we lived together another long story (filled with all the angst that is part of a dieing marriage) I imagine we all know the story so won’t go there.
Suffice to say that I try and instill manners, respect for their mother and others, a sense of responsibility to help their mom (mowing grass, taking out trash etc). All the things a dad is supposed to do, it is a daunting task and one doesn’t really know how well or poorly they are doing as I cannot see the results of their interaction at home. I can only trust that they are good kids and try to do the best they can.
Alright, am getting long here. I really intended to only comment on the concept of not telling the kids he was coming. Again, I thought it was brilliant. Also, when my boys visit, they have chores; feed their cats (who are my roommates) empty the litter box, clean their dishes and up after themselves so it not all a bed of roses. During the school year, they must bring their homework. Also, I make sure they see dad doing laundry, cleaning and vacuuming etc so they know that men can also do these things… I feel that is very important and also to know that visiting dad is not just a big party.
In that vein there are plenty of weekends where we just hang out and watch DVD’s etc, not just having excursions to Dave and buster’s etc.
Hmm, rambling on again here.
Hang in there and realize that in the end, the ex is missing out on one of the greatest gifts of being a human being… shaping the adult that their child will become.
Roux
Sep 9, 2007 at 8:24 pm
I understand this dilemma well - my ex has a good-sized house with a large yard, the kids have bikes there, they go swimming at the Y, etc, etc.
I have to keep telling myself all the time that they will grow to respect how hard I work, that the sweet moments we DO have will, in the long run, mean as much (if not more) to them than all the Papa Carnivals, that, in short, this is not some popularity contest that I am losing, big-time!
The reasons you could not stay with your ex are, very likely, things that will make KoE uncomfortable later in his life, too.
christina
Sep 9, 2007 at 8:48 pm
Oh, Roux. It sucks, doesn’t it? I’m so tired of being so sad about what I don’t have to give my son.
christina
Sep 9, 2007 at 8:49 pm
Bill! Well spoke. There are men who do anything for their children, too. I know fathers who move every four years or so to follow their military exes to a new posting, just to be near the kids. Now that’s love. These other guys will learn to late what they have lost.
angel
Sep 10, 2007 at 4:31 pm
oh boy, am i glad i’ve never had to deal with that!
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