Solo Mother

portrait of a single father, part one

by christina on January 3rd, 2007

I’ve been interested in this man’s responses to my questions for a long time. In working on this interview, we’ve had some pretty amazing conversations via e-mail and cell phone, and I’m always struck at his ability to be so honest, so candid, and so even-handed when talking about how his marriage crumbled and the work that was done to make a life afterwards. Please read this interview with an open heart, and remember there is a very human being on the end of the words. I wish my ex were able to do half the work this man has. It would give me such hope for our future.

Without further ado, I give you… (shh, ladies, no need to crowd…)

This is the first question in our interview. Because his answers were so in-depth, I have divided this into three parts. Here’s the beginning: 

Why do you think your marriage didn’t work out? Was there anything you could have done along the way to save it, or was it doomed from the start? We’ve talked a little bit about what happened: working father, stay at home mother, neither feeling their hard work was appreciated. What do you think could be done about that, for all those other families out there feeling the same strain?

As with any relationship that doesn’t work out, it’s never one topic, nor one single event. It’s usually an accumulation of wounds over time that never heal, or continue to get re-opened, with scars forming over each one. You’re pretty dead on when you said that we married the people we hoped each other to be, not who we really were… The long distance aspect of the relationship hid many of the “day to day” habits and grinds of life that people often discover when they spend a lot of time in close proximity to one another.

We couldn’t have been from more juxtaposed upbringings. She from a controlling, restrictive, Catholic family, with a brother and a sister. Me, an only child, who bounced around from place to place living with both my single parents during different stages of development. She saw the gentle, calm person in me that was so different from her angry, controlling, monster of a dad. I saw the free-spirited person from a close family that I never had. So there’s the setup. Our differences showed even before we had kids. She just didn’t have a demanding job at first, whereas I always did. Being in I/T and consulting required long hours, days, weeks, travel, and some weekends. Then, she got a demanding job our second year of marriage. Not good. We both hated our jobs and brought that angst home. In our third year we managed to buy a house and do some traveling. We both got new jobs and it felt like somewhat of a fresh start. But the old wounds weren’t healed. We were still the same people. I was overworked. I was the primary bread-winner. I was stressed out. And now we had a mortgage and a baby on the way to support. She quit her job and stayed at home. I regret the long hours and not seeing my son most of the time his first six months. I really do. But I didn’t see any alternative. Quit my job? Go into hock? Risk losing the house? No way. I had to keep working and plugging away. You know the rest of the story…. the spiraling sequence of both people feeling neglected and underappreciated. In addition I felt like she never understood my need to unwind, relax, and have peace after so much work chaos. But she had enough solitary time, quiet, and felt cooped up. She wanted to go out and do 1,000 things on the weekend. Much of the time all I had the energy to do by week’s end was yard chores and trying to recuperate for the next week. Resentment grew. The notion of a second child was beyond my comprehension. But she was from a larger family and wanted a sibling for my son. I understood that. I really did. But not under the strain of our house, marriage, and life. It would only make things worse. We went to therapy where I felt bombarded with accusations of being selfish and an inability to understand. Eventually I gave in. We had our daughter, and things got worse… just as I predicted. The final straw was me throwing that back in her face… not in a angry way… but in a way that probably hurt more than if I had just yelled. We were no longer in love. And I’m not sure we even loved each other at all. We probably fell out of love some time after my son was born. She asked for the divorce first and I resisted. I was shocked at the time, though I probably shouldn’t have been. She left with the kids for a three week vacation to see her parents. When she got back she was steadfast in her desire to end it. It took me another month or so to really see that she was right. I guess when it’s not your idea first, your nature is to resist it until you can really have time to think for yourself.

I think we both now see it as a situation that was doomed from the start — because of the fantasy under which it began — and the vast differences between us that time and even some love could not overcome. Neither of us were aggressive or confrontational in nature. So unfortunately a lot of the differences festered and were swept under the carpet at times. Not good. The only GOOD thing about that was that the kids never were subject to yelling or violent confrontations… some tears maybe… but nothing loud.

I’m sure my ex wishes I had “done something” about my career, the long hours, the times she and my son were alone, and been more energetic on the weekends so we could feel more like a family. And I wish she would have been 50% more understanding, sympathetic, and nurturing during the times I was most stressed. I wish she had shown a little more appreciation for the fact that for the final 4 years of our marriage I was basically the sole income earner. She came from a family that was always together and there was no way I could live up to that model. No way.

My advice? I think people go into marriage often thinking it could never happen to them or that there’s no way “their love” could ever be beaten down. My advice to new couples, where careers seem paramount, is to expect some bad times. Go into it with realistic glasses… know that there will be times when you will face adversity, tests, strain, and pain. I’m not saying you should be pessimistic. Just don’t be naive. No relationship is perfect. No marriage is perfect. No person is perfect. It is how we deal with those imperfections that makes the difference. Seek marriage counseling early and often if possible. Don’t wait for it to get so screwed up that you can’t see through the biases and callouses that have already formed. Try your best to be sympathetic to what the other is going through even if you aren’t with them… My ex and I both failed at that in the end. Make sure to try and do one REALLY nice thing for the other person each week so something goes recognized and remembered. Just one. Often times it only takes one simple thing.

Ultimately I played the “I told you so” card when our second child was colicky, difficult, and caused further strain on our household. I told her it would. She didn’t believe me. And the one slight confrontational bone in my body decided to let her know I was right. And that was wrong. It is my deepest regret in life that our daughter was the final straw.

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