portrait of a single father, part three
Coming up, part three of a conversation with a single father, three years and counting after the split. Guess what? He’s dating. o.0
If you’d like, go back and read parts one and two… he is truly an eloquent and thoughtful man. then… read on. And THEN… answer the poll on the right…
There is life after divorce. I hope his thoughts help get you there.
So, what’s it like, single and dating again? What are your thoughts, worries, difficulties? What’s it like?Dating? Wow… being a single father I can tell you that we (men) go through some of the same insecurities and worries that you single mothers do. You know the ones….
“I’m damaged goods now.”
“Who’s going to date a single dad with two kids?”
“When am I even GOING to date with work and my time with the kids?”
“I’m so exhausted. How am I going to have the energy to date?”
The list goes on. And I can assure you, I’ve had every single worry and thought that single mothers do. And now that I have my kids and even-steven 50% of the time, I can assure you I GET IT!
I made a mistake in my first dating experience… It was in year one and I was probably trying to prove to myself I could do it. It was a worthless waste of time. And it was too soon. Rule #1 about single parent dating… wait at least a year before you allow yourself to get truly involved. This doesn’t mean you can’t date. But a healing parental soul needs a good year or more to figure out what it is you have to offer someone else and what it is you are looking for. Rule #2… trust me when I say that the things you have to offer and are looking for HAVE CHANGED since before you were married. I guarantee you have changed to some degree. You need the solo time to focus on what it is that YOU need, and that you can offer someone else. Until then, date very lightly… drinks, movies… get to know yourself again as you meet new people.
The good thing about being a single parent (though some people see this as bad) is that having kids “weeds out the riff-raff” pretty quickly. It’s not like you can (or should) hide your single parent status. It’s bound to come up in the first date or two…. you know… “what do you do… where do you live…. ?” Don’t lie. Be proud that you’re a stable single parent. I had a couple wonderful women my first year tell me how much they admired my commitment and love for my kids. And while they could not see themselves continuing to date me, at least they were positive towards me and indicating that I was doing the right thing.
Join a single parents group… be it hiking, biking, or other activities…. sounds corny but it’s worth while meeting other single parents and doing things with them… talking… trading information… even clothes!!!
As I indicated above, don’t do the selfish thing and jump head-on into some relationship too soon where you’re giving up that much needed solo time with your kids. DON’T introduce your kids to someone until it’s comfortable, trusting, and agreed on by both you and the person you’re dating.
My worries for the future? At the point I meet someone special… how do I deal with my kids with respect to that? How do I indicate someone special in my life to them? How do I explain that to them? They are too young still to contemplate anything more than friends… How do I continue to protect my time with them? How do I make sure I’m giving enough of myself to that special person too? If they have kids, how do you blend two families together? Will they get along? What happens if they don’t? If the relationship doesn’t work out in the long run, how do you explain the absence of that person to your kids suddenly?
I want to continue to give my son and daughter my undivided attention as a father and loving parent. How will I be able
Tags: dating, dating-with-kids, divorce, life-with-kids, separation, single-mom, single-motherRelated Stories
POSTED IN: interview, words to live by
3 opinions for portrait of a single father, part three
Daisan
Jan 11, 2007 at 11:33 am
It is amazing to read these posts; I can hear so clearly the love this man has for his children and the committment in his heart to their well-being. I don’t think he realizes just how rare he is. The reasonableness of his expectations and the gentle nature of his relationship with the childrens’ mother make me wonder whether or not they really could have “made it work.”
I know that’s in many ways an insensitive thing to say, and I apologize for that. It just strikes me that the majority of divorces are characterized not by the amiable give and take of this one, but by deep, deep wounds of abuse, neglect, infidelity, incompetence or anger. I know my cousin’s husband (who left her for a flight attendant with three kids of her own, all by different men) and has since refused to pay both child support and insurance for his children, isn’t a positive influence in his kids’ lives. He and my cousin do not work together to create a consistent method of discipline — he and my cousin can’t work together because he is completely unwilling to be a participant in his kids’ lives, despite the fact that he has shared custody.
Three cheers for this loving, involved father and for this humble, sacrificing man. The world needs more like him.
christina
Jan 11, 2007 at 11:45 am
I had to laugh at your wondering if they couldn’t work it out since they get along so well. Unfortunately, the reason some divorced couples get along well after the divorce is precisely because they were so mismatched in the marriage… but divorce took away the hate, resentment, and general nastiness that builds up in cases like this. I know I’m hoping to have an amicable relationship with my ex when all is said and done. I don’t hold out any hope that he’ll be involved with his son’s life, but I’ll take what I can get.
You’re right, this one here on Solomother is a good man. I’m hoping he finds what he’s wishing for.
The Single Father
Jan 11, 2007 at 10:13 pm
Thanks, Daisan:
There are plenty of reasons for the divorce itself. It was a slow burn, not a flashpoint or one thing. The first year apart was hard. And it was not as amicable as it is now two years after the first. I appreciate the comments.
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