Solo Mother

portrait of a single father, part two

by christina on January 4th, 2007

Here is part two of my interview with a single father of two. He and his wife split over three years ago, and he’s got good news: it gets better. If you missed it, go back and read part one, then come back for some advice on how to get through the first few years and forge a better relationship with your ex. 

Your marriage ended three years ago, with two beautiful children to protect and guide through the process. I know it wasn’t easy, but what do you think you did right, to help them through the separation and divorce? In our conversations, I get the impression that you made some serious sacrifices for their sake… your wife stayed in your home, and you took nothing to speak of in the way of furniture or possessions. Will you tell us a bit about that, too?

The first year was very hard and confusing for both parents. My kids are too young to really remember a two-parent household. So in that sense we are lucky that we didn’t have to have a lot of conversation then. Their little brains would probably never know the difference. Now there was another home to live in (mine) from time to time. The routine was tough for me because I was the one who moved out and took virtually nothing with me. I knew that for the sake of the children they needed their house to remain as much the same as possible even with daddy not there. They needed their rooms, their clothes, the yard, and the comforts they had in early life. I was not about to disrupt that or take things away that I ultimately had no right to take away from them. After all, it is the parents who failed, not the kids. I was perhaps too selfless, but I couldn’t see that at the time.

My ex and I had several conflicts our first year apart… most of them dumb. She went to a “women’s group” once a week, which is how I got Wednesday nights with the kids. I still maintain it was a mistake on her part to join this group. And she got roped in by a very bad therapist. Instead of getting one on one counseling for herself (as a single mom), she ended up in a group therapy session with sometimes up to 8 other women at a time — all with their own problems ranging from sex, to abuse, to drugs… how in the world she expected to get help this way I’ll never know. It set her back a whole year, perhaps two, in terms of her own self-esteem and confidence as a single mother. I’m convinced of it. And while I was the one who moved out and had the biggest transition to make (so it seemed), I continued to see the same therapist I’d seen in my final 4 months in the house, and got the one-on-one help I needed to make that transition. After year one apart, I was the healthier person without question. My ex was fed the victim role by her friends and that damned group. She once waived a towel in my face, like a kid doing a rat-tail at summer camp, all because I was taking a vacation towards the end of year one. All she felt was rage that she would be stuck with the kids for three weeks. She was so blinded by her victim role, she couldn’t see that she too could take a vacation and the kids would be ok with me. In the end I was the one who had to show and convince her she could take the same vacation time I had. In the end it was ME who taught her it was ok to leave the country, trust that I could take care of the kids, and have an adventure. I resented her women’s group because I think in the end I was ultimately the one who freed her mind at the end of the first year and showed her that, really, everything was going to be “ok.” I sacrificed almost every weekend I had to be with the kids so she could pull herself out of being a victim. Eventually she saw my sacrifices. But it took way more time than I thought.

The last two years have been relatively conflict-free other than some minor issues. Our success as co-parents in born largely out of “routines” and sticking to them. Kids respond to routines. And I think so do single parents to a great extent. Living 10 miles apart was a great help in keeping up with the routines. So my advice to divorcing parents is to stay as close as you can tolerate so there aren’t such long drives or trips. Do this, if you can manage it. Once the routines were established, the trust between my ex and I grew. It became much like a business where the two kids were the “product.” And we knew it would take each of us to make the product successful. I think we also have our priorities straight. For Christ sake, I see so many single parents jump back into relationships too soon and give up the time they have with their kids to be with someone new so soon. DON’T DO THIS!! My god I think so many people are selfish in this way. Being a single parent doesn’t mean you can’t have a life. Just have that life when your kids are with your ex… when they are with you, BE with them… have adventures with them… and by all means introduce them to your friends. It does take a village. My kids each have their own unique experiences with each parent and they are all good ones. In that respect they will hopefully be “richer” in the soul for this. Another key is consistency. And while this sounds like it belongs with “routines”, I mean it more in terms of how you each treat the kids, not the schedules. I believe our kids continue to thrive because we have maintained a consistent set of rules and discipline. What they are cooked for meals is it… neither of us are short-order cooks… I believe we maintain the same level of discipline, bed times, and are teaching them to do chores (cleaning their rooms, clearing their dishes, etc.) I have yet to hear the words “that’s not fair. Mommy doesn’t make us do that.” Overall the expectations of them are the same in both households. Routines, priorities, and consistency. Those are the keys. Over the long haul, ex’s will have the ability to forge a decent divorced relationship and have some trust. I believe we’ve now achieved that after three years. Routines, priorities, and consistency. It’s as important for the co-parents as it is for the children.

I covered *some* advice for parents who are divorcing or have just divorced. Most of the above relates to the kids. However I truly believe that if you both think of the kids first, you will end up treating each other much better during the divorce itself. It is unfortunately human nature to throw things back in someone’s face, hurt, insult, and want retribution for hurt you’ve received. It is these things that get most people in trouble during the divorce process or mediation. Things escalate, bad feelings get dug up, and before you know it, you’ve made zero progress at all and have run up an impressive legal bill.

My advice to parents now going through the legal process is to truly try and let go. That sounds simple and clich?, but it’s true. I tried to think of my kids every time I went into a mediation session with my ex-wife… I tried to imagine my children listening in or watching… what would they see or hear? How would they perceive us? Imagine their little eyes and ears are there and you will surely treat each other better during the session. Look, you’ve already failed at being a couple. The LEAST you can do is be a good person and parent. It’s over and there are no words, looks, gestures, or things that will change that now. Your job is to make things as good as they possibly can be from this point forward. [Insert that book quote here, because it pertains.]

I looked at it as a very humbling thing. It doesn’t matter who’s fault it was… or who’s fault it was more than the other… the point is the marriage failed… and now some child or children don’t have what you wanted for them. It is time to stop the blaming, stop the hurting, suck it up, and move on. Harboring crap for years after does nothing more than keep that crap around. So, when you’re in front of a lawyer, mediator, or each other screaming and arguing about pennies, who gets what piece of furniture, or drudging up some four year-old hurt, imagine your child there witnessing this… listening… and looking at their parents through very confused and hurt eyes. How do you want to be perceived by them? Bitter? Broken? Having to go to teach conferences separately because you hate each other? Or loving, peaceful, positive, nurturing, and making the best out of that pile of lemons that you helped to create in some way?

(image: Broken by Justin Frisch)