Solo Mother

Positive parenting

by christina on October 10th, 2007

I think we’ve all read a story or two about a single mother of a teenaged child who is out of control. With a kid who stands 3′8″ in his stockinged feet at four and a half years old, you best believe I’m interested in how to lay the foundations of a strong relationship between the two of us… now. Cause if I were the kind of parent who relied upon bullying, threats, punishments, and spankings to keep my kid in line, I’d be the kind of parent who would lose control of that kid the moment he realized he could hit back.

Enter an interesting school of thought called, “Positive Parenting” or “Positive Discipline”. In a nutshell, parents strive to create an atmosphere of respect, trust, and true teaching. There are not punishments, only ‘natural’ consequences. If you don’t get dressed for school, you go in your pyjamas. If you don’t do your homework, you fail a grade. If you hurt someone, you spend your time trying to make that hurt right.

Now, there are instances where letting natural consequences play themselves out just isn’t the brightest of ideas. If you tell your child to stop climbing the wall, and he doesn’t listen, you don’t have to let him fall and break his arm. If you tell your daughter to stop running into the street, you certainly don’t have to let her get hit by a car.

One of our jobs as parents is to keep our children safe. When a child throws a violent tantrum, we are within our rights to hold that child and keep him or her from doing bodily harm, either to the child’s own self, or to someone else. Another, harder job, is to allow our children to fail and succeed, with love for them no matter which happens. With every failure there is an opportunity to learn. We should be there for our children to help them process the information they gain, and make better choices the next time around.

One of the neatest things about Positive Discipline is the opportunity it gives you, the parent, to say YES. It teaches you to let go of the iron fist of control and instead, be your child’s advocate and guide through life. It gives you the chance to notice the good things your child does, and to call attention to those good things in a way that lets your child know that he or she did something wonderful, all by themselves–and that you noticed. It allows you to build up a child who depends on a true, inner compass by which to measure actions, not craving praise or recognition from outside forces.

What’s the point of all this? It’s just to say, if you feel your back is up against the wall, you don’t have to spank your child to subdue him or her, or even use some of those Super Nanny techniques to manipulate your child into obeying you. You can instill a relationship of teamwork, respect, honesty, and kindness. You can work together to keep your kid safe and curious. And as your child enters the teenaged years, you can hope for a kid who has a healthy self-respect, who knows limits and values, and who does the right thing because it really is the desireable, wonderful, amazing thing to do–not because you’ll beat the tar outta the kid if he or she messes up.

When you’re next in the library, look up ‘Positive Parenting’ and see what kind of books are out there. This book, Positive Discipline by Jane Ed. D. Nelson, is a great place to start. I’ll try to put up permanent links to the books themselves in the side bar when I have a moment or two.

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