Solo Mother

PostSecret has a message for us today…

by christina on January 20th, 2008

Do you worry that you won’t be able to provide a balance for your child as he or she grows up and misses a father figure? Some of you are full-time solomothers, single parents without significant involvement from your child’s father (and, I suspect, there are some solodads who lurk and read here; know I am thinking of you, too, but don’t feel like creating that convoluted writing style that constantly balances the genders). Some of you wish your spouse were more involved in your child’s life — maybe he comes home after bedtime and leaves before the kid wakes up?

If you are still married and are dealing with these issues, it’s time for a heart-to-heart conversation with your spouse about the possibility of altering your priorities, as a family. Many men are driven by an irrational need to provide for their families at the expense of actually being involved with the family. If you are a solomother at heart, but not yet a full-fledged member of the tribe, I’d recommend you broach the subject carefully. This is not a time for accusations: “You’re never here for us” doesn’t work with a man who feels he is doing the right thing by sacrificing his time with his family in order to better provide for it.

Appreciate the gesture, the effort, the sacrifice your spouse is making, and you won’t start the conversation off on the attack. Know that your partner in this lifetime is doing what he (or she) thinks is best for all of you. See if you can’t find some creative ways to make up the money you might lose if he works fewer hours. Perhaps he can ask for some flex time, and work any hours over the usual 40 from home, after the kids are asleep. Maybe he can scoot out of the house early in the morning, but be home in time for dinner.

If you’re a full-time, single mother, and your ex has ghosted on you, don’t try to be both father and mother to your child all the time, or you’re all going to be burned out by the time the kid is ten. Instead, enlist the help of older men in your family — a brother, your father, your sister’s husband. Or, if your child has a best friend with whom he or she spends time, ask that friend’s father to act as a sort of stand-in. Kind neighbors, your best friend’s husband, whomever you can find to spend some time with your child, so there isn’t that huge vacuum of male absence in the kid’s life.

And remember: do the best you can, and everything will work out in the end.

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