Pride, tough love, and consequences…
I am secretly very proud of my son, usually. It doesn’t help that today, I forgot my cell at the new office (yay, new office!) and when I took the KoE back with me to pick it up, my compatriot on the business development side of things waited til my son’s back was turned to him and then squealed silently, “CHRISTINA!! OMG!! HE’S!!!” and made wow, rolling eyeballs omygodhe’ssocute rock star faces at his back.
I heart my new coworker!
But she’s not helping me with the pride thing.
I try very hard to keep it under wraps. I remind myself that he’s my son, not my possession; even before he was born, he had his own little personality, and he was, before birth, a joker and a social kid. He would stick his butt against my stomach and squirm and swish whenever you patted the offered bulge. You could tickle his feet when he wedged them into my ribcage. He came out his own little self, his own, complete person. While I can guide him and teach him, I cannot take credit for him, or do his dirty work for him. My son has to succeed and fail on his own, and live with the consequences of his actions. I can only be a guiding hand, a supportive, loving presence in his life who will encourage him to get back up, dust himself off, and start all over again.
I fear I’m going to have to do that, soon.
His Tai Kwan Do teacher gave him a final warning today: come to class and focus, pay attention, learn, and obey, or you will be asked to leave the school.
Really, I can’t blame him. My kid can’t leave other kids alone. He has to be talking to them, aping and japing and making funny for them. When everyone else is watching the new form being demonstrated, he’s looking the other way, into the mirror, and making faces.
He’s at his own desk at school again. He’s too distracting to the other children.
I have always tried to point out to him things he did right, without resorting to the tired cliche of, “I’m proud of you!” When he was trying so hard to master his temper as a toddler, I remember watching him in a potentially volatile situation. I watched his rage climb. I watched him consider smashing a child over the head with a block. I watched him as he took a deep breath, let it out, and breathed again. When he was recovered, I quietly walked over to him and said, “You know what I saw you do? I saw you get angry and take some deep breaths and get over it. You did it! You should be pretty proud of what you just did.” He was.
I don’t know what to do to curb this insatiable appetite he has for playing with other children. In small groups, he’s a wonder. But put him with more than two or three children, and he’s a mess. I don’t want him to lose Tai Kwan Do. It has made such a difference in him already, and if he could just get his act together, I believe it is one of the keys to fixing this distracting, amok behavior.
In the meantime, I can’t punish him for this, I can’t reason with him, I can’t fix it. I will have to let this run its course, and figure out how to pick up the pieces when my little guy really fails for the first time in his life.
Tags: accomplishments, consequences, failure, natural-consequences, prideRelated Stories
POSTED IN: parenting
8 opinions for Pride, tough love, and consequences…
daisan
Jan 24, 2008 at 12:42 am
SIGH. Sounds like our Doob.
I don’t suppose there’s one-on-one lessons he can take? :( I think this is one of the most frustrating parts of parenthood, the standing back while a kid makes a bad choice. I put my parents through my fair share, what with not practicing piano and such. Too bad our wisdom can only be applied through suggestions.
*hug*
ratphooey
Jan 24, 2008 at 12:56 am
Sounds like he may not be ready for that sort of class. Doesn’t sound like failure to me.
christina
Jan 24, 2008 at 8:07 am
Daisan, I’m going to look for dance classes or music, or something.
christina
Jan 24, 2008 at 8:10 am
Phooey, the frustrating thing is, he loves this class. He talks about it, he practices whenever he finds a clear space, but he’s a goof, and he’s not focusing anywhere. Not in school, not in tai kwan do, not at home. All he wants to do is ham for the other kids.
The instructors at TKD are such nice, strong, fair young men. I’d hate for him to lose that. He’s a fatherless child, he needs to see what boys grow up to be.
I won’t call this a failure to his face. He will deal with it, however he does, and perhaps in a few months he will be allowed to try again.
Amy
Jan 25, 2008 at 12:34 am
He sounds so much like my son…. He’s so worried he’s going to get in trouble for talking too much in class, and yet tells me he cannot stop.
I’ve pretty much told him that I can try to help him think of ways to stop… but that ultimately he is in control of himself and there is nothing I can do to fix it after it happens. We shall see. But I totally feel your pain!
mary
Jan 25, 2008 at 11:18 am
He sounds like a very active child who loves to have fun. I always enjoy reading your stories, as he has such a great personality.
I dont want to sound alarmist, or freak you out, but have you ever wondered if he might have a little ADD? The only reason I say that is my nephew behaves exactly the same way, and my sister finally got him tested. The good news about that is she learned all kinds of coping mechanisms that helped her son focus and pay attention in school and other enviroments.
Good luck, and I hope he can find a happy balance!
christina
Jan 25, 2008 at 11:31 am
Mary, he might indeed have ADD, and I’m waiting for my husband to send me a certified letter allowing the testing to take place. Sigh. I’ve been waiting since before Christmas.
He’s just a bright kid who does what he loves to do and balks at the rest of it. I was exactly like that. But I’m thinking it has to be something more, because he loves TKD, but he can’t concentrate or focus.
Desiree
Jan 25, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I feel your pain, since I have been through a similar situation with my son.
Great blog!
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