Single parents should stay that way… maybe
The Johns Hopkins University has released results of a study that shows that children who live in environments with high rates of transition (aka, yet another grown up the kid’s gotten attached to has moved out) are much more likely to have behavioral patterns than children who live in stable two parent–and stable single parent–homes.
I know that is one of the things Rachel Sarah was criticized for, once her book, Single Mom Seeking, came out. Some folks felt she introduced her child to the men she was dating far too soon in the relationship. On the other end of the spectrum, I know single women who won’t even date because it’s easier than having to deal with that rocky road of introducing the kids. Some single moms date, but keep a very clear line to separate their children’s lives from their romantic ones.
I have men fr
iends, men who have met and befriended my child. Or should I say, my son chose them. It’s lovely to have men who will love and honor him, and not have to worry about breaking his heart. I do subscribe to the tribe theory of child-rearing, and I’m grateful that there are men in our tribe. What I am counting on is that their friendship with, and commitment to, my son will grow as he does, and he’ll never lose them.
How do you all balance romance and children? I haven’t got time to date… but I’m sure there’s someone reading this blog who’s ready to give it a go.
Tags: children, kid, kids, mama, mommy, motherhood, mothering, single mom, single mother
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4 opinions for Single parents should stay that way… maybe
Kate
Mar 30, 2007 at 10:00 pm
I have several responses to this.
When I was growing up in a single parent home, my mother never dated. She sublimated her sensuality into gardening. My friends mothers, they tended to be divorced rather than widowed like mine, dated, and boy, was there drama during the teen years about hipocrisy and appropriate behaviour.
Then again, if I were single again, I probably wouldn’t want a relationship that entered my family realm, but when I was out, I’d want the kids to know where I was, who I was with and when I would be back home.
Rachel Sarah
Apr 1, 2007 at 11:33 am
Hello Christina,
Thanks so much for bringing up this very important issue — which might be THE most sensitive topic when it comes to dating when you have kids.
I’ll be the first to admit that I did make mistakes when my daughter was very little.
In my own defense, she was not yet two years old when I introduced her to a “friend.” I have learned some life lessons the hard way. But I DID learn them. Now that my Big Girl is going on 7, I certainly would not let her into my daughter world.
In no way have I brought a string of men through her life, nor do I endorse this. I would LOVE to hear from other single parents at Solo Mom’s blog: if you’re dating, how do you balance dating and parenting?
Christina
Apr 1, 2007 at 1:35 pm
Kate, I’m wondering if there’s a huge difference in the ‘motivation’ to date when you’re a widow, versus divorcee. I would think that, in many cases, dating after divorce might be influenced by what your partner is doing… ‘well, he’s seeing someone new!” and suddenly, you’re somehow inadequate if you can’t land someone to one-up the ex with.
I would love for my child to grow up with a positive model of a loving, laughing, mother and father routine. But at least he’s growing up in a very loving, supportive household. If we can’t find a man to help build an idea of what marriage is all about, I’ll have to try to teach him about it as best I can from secondary sources.
:) your mom did good. I hope she found happiness in her choices.
Christina
Apr 1, 2007 at 1:38 pm
Rachel, one of the things I appreciated most about your book was the honesty with which you portrayed your search. Authors have an opportunity to rewrite history, and you could have cast yourself in a much more ‘flattering’ light.
Your daughter might have suffered a sense of loss when that ‘friend’ didn’t return, but at least she didn’t have to deal with trying to find a place in her heart for that new man that competed with a completed, sometimes idealized, image of her father.
I still dream of finding a family to blend with, but I’m learning how to apply the serenity prayer to my own life and not want what I have not got.
May this Passover be a joyous time in your household, and I hope your Seder rings with love and family.
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