six month anniversary
Hi, my name is Christina, and I’m a single mother…
I landed in the US six months ago today, jet lagged and heartsick and utterly bereft of the dreams I thought were mine to count on. I’ve been thinking about this day for about a week, now. Wondering how I’d feel when it finally rolled around, wondering what I could possibly say about my transformation. Four suitcases. $400. one three and a half year old. No furniture, job or home. Not much in the way of self-esteem or self-confidence, either. I was going to write about all the things I’m thankful for. I was going to write about how amazing my son is now that we’re out from under a miserable situation.
But I thought, tonight, as I contemplate my comfortable living room, write a check to cover a parent/child yoga class for a single parent friend, and try to stretch my budget enough to begin paying into my 401K… well, I thought… what would you say to someone, today, who’s stepping into the shoes you wore six months ago?
I’d say, hang in there. I’d say, don’t forget to breathe. I’d say, time never stands still — if you can make it through a day, you can make it through a week. A month. A year. And some day, it won’t hurt so bad, anymore. Some day. I found myself in tears the other night because I am just realizing the depths to which I subjegated my own soul in order to keep living with the wrong man. When was the last time someone petted my hair, whispered kind things to me, told me I was worthy? I remember having to beg my husband to comfort me when I was feeling blue, or hurt, or lost. My own battles with self-esteem and worth, every day, are painful in their lesson: some things are too precious to give up.
Don’t try to do this single parent thing alone. Move near supportive friends and family. Form a babysitting group. Do a rotating dinner with single parent friends, where you all show up at someone’s house once a week for potluck and play time. What you can’t afford to buy or pay for, barter. Work the system–get whatever aid, help, benefits you can to make ends meet. Go back to school. Take time for yourself. Learn to forgive.
Practice kindness.
Forgive.
Love. Laugh. Stretch and be strong. Be a solo mother, with feet planted wide and a prayer of hope forever whispered on your lips. Think good things. You and yours deserve them.
Tags: advice, babies, children, family, kindness, memories
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POSTED IN: wisdom, words to live by
10 opinions for six month anniversary
Kerri
Mar 24, 2007 at 11:28 pm
It’s amazing what a half a year can bring. So excited that you’re finding yourself again. So proud of you, and continuing to cheer you on.
Amy at Fannfare
Mar 25, 2007 at 10:38 am
Happy Anniversary! We’re so glad to have you back, and back STRONG. :)
Kate
Mar 25, 2007 at 3:49 pm
Happy six month-day. This is a fantastic milestone with plenty of reason to celebrate.
Christina
Mar 25, 2007 at 5:46 pm
Kerri, thank you. I need all the cheering I can get some days.
And some days, I’m riding the winds.
Christina
Mar 25, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Amy, I can’t believe I’ve only seen you once in six months. I suck. And now I’m at work, instead of sitting in the park with you.
What a difference six months makes.
Christina
Mar 25, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Thank you so much, Kate. I can’t believe I’ve made it so far, so fast.
Solangel Najera
Mar 27, 2007 at 5:01 am
Please tell me how did you find the courage to leave and start on your own. I’ve been with the father of my child for more than a decade and actually living together for almost 7 years. We have an 6 month old. The father of my baby would do anything to avoid marrying me, and I’m tired of thinking what is so wrong with me. I’m tired of crying my eyes out to sleep, i’m tired of never hearing a nice thing about me, i’m tired of doing everything wrong. I’m by myself in this country, How do I find the courage to leave. Where do I start?
christina
Mar 27, 2007 at 8:23 am
Solangel –
I don’t know where you’re from originally, and so I don’t know what cultural value is placed on girls where you come from. in order to leave, you need to believe with your heart and soul that you deserve better than the abuse you’re living with. You need to feel passionate about the fact that you don’t want your baby to grow up thinking that the way you and your partner treat each other is a healthy way for people to live.
My Muslim women friends who have difficult marriages sometimes take what they call an emotional divorce. They raise their children, they see their friends, they have hobbies, jobs, and volunteer opportunities that fulfill them. They live, and some manage to find peace this way. They live separate lives from their husbands.
You have some decisions to make. Do you stay in this country, or do you go home? Can you do either? Can you find a job? Do you go back to school?
Do you have friends who can give you a place to stay for a few months? Then move to another friend’s? It can take months to get back on your feet, especially with a small child.
I’d also talk to your obstetrician. Make sure that this isn’t post-partum depression, a hormonal imbalance that causes you to be miserable in a variety of ways. From what you describe, it sounds like you’re in a bad relationship.
Call your local social services and see what your local government can do for you. If you belong to a religious organization, talk to the leader. Ask your closest friends to help guide you through this difficult time, even if it’s just to take you in for a few days to give you a break from your partner’s negative, nasty attitude.
Let me know how you’re doing. You can always come here to vent.
JP
Feb 1, 2008 at 2:38 am
Was replying to another post when I saw the tag “Word to Live By.” Hmmmm, I thought.
Coming up on your eighteen month “anniversary” soon. I use the quotation marks because it is at once an add and important thing to commemorate, and it occurs to me the more important and less odd it becomes is a sign o healing, or recognition of a positive new beginning as of an ending. I can tell you one thing, though: you were healthier and doing a loot better perspective-wise in six months than I was — I was still spiraling down.
As I recall this time in my own life, almost a decade ago, it was around this time, doing a lot of reading, that I settled on two phrases to guide me, because of the sense of empowerment they required of me (strange syntax, that, but it’s how I felt).
1) It is always better to suffer injustice than to commit injustice.
2) Never be ashamed of what anyone says of you, even if what they say is untrue.
I feel better now just having typed these. It helps me to have words not just to live by but to live up to.
Your understanding seems more Zen. Maybe that’s why you’re farther ahead than I was.
christina
Feb 1, 2008 at 10:19 am
JP, Your words to live by, your guiding phrases, are so much more philosophical than mine.
I seem to be dealing with the existential, fatalistic, “It is what it is” tag line. It’s a phrase my friends and I utter with a shrug when life gets too strange or frustrating.
I might have been more resilient after six months than you were simply because my situation was so dire, extreme and final. I did every single thing I could think of to save the marriage, and he wouldn’t play along. I could walk away with my head held high, without doubt.
Good to see you back here!
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