Solo Mother

Some thoughts on Child Support (non)Payments

by christina on October 24th, 2006

Sometimes, the only thing standing between a divided family and poverty is… child support. If a parent decides to withhold that money, for whatever reason, he or she is putting the child in jeaopardy. And since I’m a single mother, I’m going to only write about it from the ex-husband not paying the ex-wife point of view, with apologies to the single fathers out there who are in the same boat. We can scrounge in the couch (i don’t have) cushions for enough change to buy a latte and split it.

This is only my first month of separation. I’ve been in this country since the 21st of September, 2006. My husband says he can’t afford much in the way of child support, and wants to go through a friendly divorce where I just say ok, fine, pay whatever you can afford and I’ll trust you to pay more whenever you can. For the moment, we’ve agreed on a sum that is well below what the District of Columbia would have him pay, and lower than what would fairly take care of half of the Kid’s expenses.

And I still haven’t seen a dime of it.

Now, he’ll give me his reasons, I can hear him now, telling me all about how he had to find a new place to live because the old place was too far too expensive and I only moved to that apartment because you were so effing unhappy in blah blah blah SCREECH. Stop. There, I’ve presented his side of it.

But the fact of the matter is, he’s not paying it. My credit rating is shot because of things left unpaid that were supposed to have been paid. I am still looking for a job. If I hadn’t moved back to my home town, poured my guts out to my parents, and gotten their help, I’d not have a shot in hell of finding a place to live. As it is, I’m forced to look in the more transitional (read: sketchy) neighborhoods. My son is going to public school, and is bored out of his mind with being the smartest kid in his class. I can’t afford aftercare for him, so he’s going to the free program at his school. Again with the boredom. I have to work two, sometimes three jobs just to make enough money to get us by, and yet… child support is optional.
Child Support might actually be optional at this stage in our divorce, legally… I don’t know. We wrote out a separation agreement, some of which we agreed on, some of which we just said fine sure whatever to in order to be done with it. If I had fought one inch about money, I’d find myself stuck in the UAE still. I will get no alimony. Our son will get very little support. And, for the sake of my son, I have to be okay with this. For the sake of our son, I have to be sure I can provide some version of 100% of his needs, and never be dependent upon money promised me by others. Because I have little faith it will actually arrive.
But let me tell you what this lack of support is going to do. It is going to put us in a not perfect neighborhood. It’s going to keep the Kid out of that fancy private French school. It’s going to mean he doesn’t get to eat organic foods, go to Cirque de Soleil, or have friends over as often as we’d like, cause we can’t afford to feed them snacks, buy toys to share, have slumber parties without an extra bed. It’s going to build in him a culture of want, because there will be so many things he’ll have to simply want but not have. If you don’t want the best for your children, then don’t have them. It means this kid won’t be seeing much in the way of new clothes, and we’ll always be dependent upon the kindness of grandparents for new undies, socks and pyjamas. It’s nice not to wear handmedowns every once in a while.
It means he doesn’t have health insurance, until I can afford to pay for it. It means his mother, his primary caregiver, won’t have health insurance for a good long while because I’m not going to be able to afford health insurance out of pocket for the two of us. So if something bad happens to me, our son is up the creek without a paddle. And just because I am finding work, don’t assume it’s enough to make ends meet all by its lonesome. I just got my first full paycheck last week and a THIRD of it is gone to Federal and state taxes, FICA and whatnot. A third.

So, dear divorcing parents, if you are thinking of withholding your child support payments, DON’T. Besides the legal ramifications which will lead you into a mess of hot water, think of the horrible effects it will have on your child.

You think your ex is spending all the money on herself, and not the kid? Let me tell you what I’ve bought for myself since I’ve been in DC, living without the tiny payment that was promised me: two pairs of pantyhose that I wash out in the sink. A week’s worth of underwear. A $15 pair of shoes to replace the $150 shoes that a friend’s dog ate (perils of houseguest status, beware!). That’s it. Oh, something to wash my face with. I use my kid’s shampoo. My hair looks horrid.

Oh, and grandparents? I know it’s fun to buy the kid toys. I know it is. When I’m rich, I’m going to buy him one. Don’t drop him off at his borrowed doorstep in his borrowed clothes with $200 in toys, please. Especially when someone still hasn’t paid the CHILD SUPPORT. Ask what they need, get them that. And then you can splurge on a frivolous toy or two. But when Mac n Cheese is a staple, not a fun food to eat while watching a movie (not that we can watch movies, we don’t own a TV and I am working so much I don’t have time to take him to a real movie), help take care of the basics, first. You can’t buy his love. But you knew that already.

And don’t even ask about class pictures. Can’t afford those, either. But I suppose I’ll find a way to get them, so my son doesn’t feel left out.

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POSTED IN: blame, budget, child support, credit, debt, divorce, finances, money, parenting, separation