Solo Mother

State of the single mother, year the second

by christina on August 2nd, 2008

It’s amazing what time and a little mental, emotional, and physical distance can do for a girl. I had somehow convinced myself I was old hat at this single mother thing. Yeah, been doing this for over two years, I thought to myself the other day. Had to haul out my fingers and do some math, and was amazed to find that I haven’t been a single mother for two years. Just one year, nine months and twenty-some odd days. I look at where I am, now, and how far I’ve come. On my good days, I can admit I’ve made much out of nothing: from four suit cases, $400 and a kid turning four in half a year to a lovely apartment, a good if frustrating job, an amazing son, and extraordinary parents. On my bad days, I can only lament having to start from scratch, and not having the energy or the wherewithall to move from half-broken, making it up as I go along to piece of cake.

I’m still not divorced. Neither of us has the money for it, right now. Indeed, the ex is woefully behind on his payments, though that won’t stop him from going on holiday on an exotic island far from his current home. I try not to let this get me angry. I try to remind myself that this, then, is at the deepest root why we could not stay married. But it galls me to have to put on the best face of it, even when I had to explain to my son why we couldn’t go on a fabulous vacation, ourselves, and have resigned myself to living on just $100 a month for a cushion between us and disaster, should anything major befall us. I have no credit cards. I have no car. I have four expenses I must honor every month, and none of those four is a cable bill or a big night out on the town. No, after rent and electricity, groceries, the kid’s summer camp, and my student loans are paid, we have exactly $100 left over for every thing else, every month.

I ran into someone who knew me way back when, when the King of Everything was a baby asleep in a butterfly chair in the hot of summer. She was so glad to see me, and I her. “My god, girl, you look fabulous!” she exclaimed. And I suppose, in some way, I do. There is no angst left in me, no deep core of torture.

I don’t remember who I used to be, when I was married. She’s a distant thing, and I wish I could take her in my arms and tell her everything is going to be alright. Oh, sure, I still have worries. Too many worries. But unlike one year, nine months, and twenty-some odd days ago, I’m no longer afraid.

I’ll leave you with the most beautiful voice of this century, and her words of wisdom. Keep an eye out for Esperanza Spalding, ducks. Precious is, by Spalding’s own admission, her attempt to write a ‘pop’ song. Heaven help us, if pop hits should ever be this good. “It takes more than pressure to turn rock to diamond/ Now all you have is sand, slipping through your fingers…”

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POSTED IN: wisdom, words to live by