Teaching your child consequences
I often read about single mothers who have somehow ‘lost control’ of their children–their sons, in particular. My kid’s only four, and I hope his father will be an active part of his life as he grows up. I have also gone to great lengths to be sure that there are kind and caring men in his life. Men who will be there for him as he grows up. Men who are not romantically attached to me, and who therefore will not abandon him because things ‘didn’t work out’. I hope that I have laid the groundwork now for the kind of young man he will become, and have begun to give him the thought process he needs to make good choices in his life
He learned a hard lesson today. At around 6:30 tonight, his grammie called to give him back. His big Sleepover was cancelled because he was being obstreperous. Rude. Screaming, demanding and generally a pill. I told my mother, “Absolutely. Bring him back.” He started to wail, and she hung up.
About half an hour later, he called me to tell me what was happening: “Grammie doesn’t love me, mama! She doesn’t want me!” I know, if I’d talked to my mother at that point, we’d have been discussing how to weasel out of cancelling the sleepover. I know she was upset by it; it’s hard to make a kid unhappy. But we stuck to our guns and my boy was brought back to me, his tears mostly dry, his heart a little sadder.
But maybe next time he gets in a snit, he’ll use some of the tools we’ve been trying to teach him, like take a deep breath. Ask to be excused to get yourself together. Use your words. Admit you’re in a bad mood. Be honest–say what’s really bothering you.
Apparently, he just really needed to see his mom. That’s what he tells me, at least. But now he knows he needs to use his words and express himself, because I bet, if he had just called me on the phone, he would have been happy to spend the night. Instead, he’s a sweaty little ball of snotty boychild hiccupping through the night in his big boy bed. I feel so bad for him. But tomorrow is another day.
I didn’t have any plans, anyway.
Tags: natural-consequences, positive-parentingRelated Stories
POSTED IN: parenting
6 opinions for Teaching your child consequences
Rory
May 26, 2007 at 1:12 am
Another excellent post, Christina. A little bit heartbreaking,
you meanie, but a very good lesson.I’m all for children learning by consequences, as difficult for them as it is. There’ll will be other times to sleep over at Grammies, but this time it didn’t go so well. No doubt he’ll learn from that. Well done for seeing it through - that can be quite difficult.
angel
May 28, 2007 at 3:08 pm
yay for natural consequences! i use them on damien all the time. its the only thing that seems to sink in… sort of! he’s an ad/hd-er too so its a little tricky…
The New Parent
Jun 4, 2007 at 4:05 pm
Hi C–first timer to your blog and it’s a very interesting blog!
Many of the parents that I’m around use the notion of consequences only when THEY are fed up with their child. It’s nice to see it presented as an ongoing part of a child’s healthy development.
Looking forward to reading more! Thank you for sharing.
christina
Jun 4, 2007 at 8:50 pm
Welcome to SoloMother!
It is tempting to use consequences as punishment and try to justify them. It’s a fine line to balance, but it’s so worth it. I just don’t see how punishment can make an intelligent, free-thinking, confident adult.
christina
Jun 4, 2007 at 8:52 pm
lol Rory. I don’t want to be a meanie. But when my kid starts to cry and tells me I’m not being nice to him, or I’m not being fair, I can honestly remind him that he chose to do or not do something, and he has to live with the consequences. I’m not the bad guy. I’m just the impartial judge. I think.
Stevie
Jul 20, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Hiya Christina, your lad puts me in mind of my son Harrison. I split from my partner 8 months ago, when he stays with me he has to phone his mum 5/6 times a night same goes for when he lives at home he has to call me all the time, as long as we reassure them they are the most important person in our lives we cant go wrong.
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