The dating game…
What is it with dating? According to the online dating sites, we’re all healthy, happy, well adjusted men and women who love our jobs, travel the world, save small animals from extinction and take out the trash faithfully on Tuesdays. We’re good listeners, great cuddlers, and play nicely with others.
If we’re all so damned fantastic, why are we all single?
What about the real details, like how he leaves his underwear in every room of the house, or how she stands in the bedroom doorway talking to you while she flosses her teeth? What about the festishes, the tantrums, the self-absorption, long work hours, nasty exes, never ending home renovation, snoring, listening-challenged faults and traits we’re all trying so hard to hide?
I’ve had it with dating. It’s just too hard. It’s hard to schedule the time away from the Kid, it’s hard to find time in with the Job that Ate New York and Tokyo. Hell, I had a successful first date a week ago today with a gentleman who works around the corner from me, and we couldn’t get our schedules in synch to have a cup of coffee at any time during the rest of the week.
After a disheartening second date with a runner up this past Friday, I’d had enough. I declared there would be No More Dating. What do I want to date, for? Through my eyes, right now, no one is going to be good enough for My Kid (arrogance and hubris abounds, mea culpa), and the dreaded Third Date overshadows every first and second one. Don’t know the Third Date Apocrypha?
Yea, verily, the Dating Gods say unto you:
There shall be a First Date, and it shall be Good. You will partake of delicious beverages and perhaps have a light supper together, and then pause awkwardly when it comes time to say goodnight. You will do the international kiss kiss perhaps, and get a good whiff of each other. Then you will plan for a Second Date.And then I say unto you, there shall be a Second Date, and the second date shall be good. You will meet at an art gallery hosting a live jazz evening, and you will gaze at each other shyly over champagne glasses. You shall tell each other your last names. You shall make witty conversation and yes, you shall flirt. At the end of the night, the man shall walk the woman to her front door and kiss her goodnight, once and once only, with promises of when next you meet.
And then there shall be the Third Date, the ultimate goal of the First Date and of the Second, where you will spend the whole night dancing, and drinking, and eating oysters on the half shell. There will be no escaping the fact that this is the Third Date, and there will be sex at the end of this date. The Dating Gods have decried thusly, and there shall be no escaping this judgment, unless you are so foolish as to jump directly to sex on Date One or Date Two. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
Um, I don’t do third date. I’ve never played by the rules, and this one just sucks. I’m supposed to decide if this guy is Sponge worthy after what, a grand total of ten or fifteen hours together, all of which is spent trying to impress each other and look all Ricco Suave and whatnot? Not buying it.
And so I declared, ENOUGH! And decided on Saturday morning that I’ve had it with dating. I don’t want to do it. If there’s a guy out there for me, he’s going to have to throw himself under my personal bus to get my attention. I’m not on the market. It’s too difficult. I can do mother. I can do worker bee. I can’t do romantic lead. I certainly can’t keep all three of them balanced… and please note, there’s still no category for taking care of just me.
So please note. Happy with my decision to take myself off the market, I wandered down to the local coffee shop this morning with the KoE for a sticky bun and an amazing cup of micro economy coffee. I do believe the gentleman in line next to our table was flirting with me! He wanted to know what we were doing the rest of the day. I told him, “Feeling up the vegetables,” and left it at that. And then, on the way home from dropping the KoE off at his grammie’s (it’s a New York day tomorrow, can you feel my pain at 4AM tomorrow?), a decent-enough looking younger man chased me through the park in the rain to ask me for a date.
Can’t you see the sign on my back? Out Of Service!
Where’s the Enterprise when you need it? If Piccard can order, “Earl Grey tea, hot,” and get exactly what he’s longing for, why can’t I beam me up the perfect companion?
Come to think of it. Piccard would be a lovely companion. And the King of Everything would be all a-quiver at the idea of a real live spaceman for a second father.
Yes. I said it. Actually, he said it first. A few days ago, walking home from camp and work, the KoE looked up at me and asked, “Mama, are you married?” I pondered for a moment, and finally said, “No, not really, baby.”
“So does that mean you can be married again?”
I stopped in the street and looked at him. “Why ever would I want to do that, buddy?” I asked.
We started walking again. “Well, we could find me another papa,” he suggested. He was going somewhere with this. This was not just idle boytalk. I hemmed and hawed.
“Yes, dear. I suppose we could find you another papa, but that’s pretty complicated, isn’t it? He’d have to be pretty amazing, and you’d have to like him, and I’d have to like him. And you already have a papa!”
He laughed at me. “Oh, that’s ok, mama, I think I would like to have two papas. That other papa, he’d have to be pretty special, huh?” he asked, thinking. I nodded. “Ok, well, then, I think I’d like a policeman. They help people. They are heroes, mama. That’s pretty special.”
Um.
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POSTED IN: dating
29 opinions for The dating game…
Gayla
Jul 30, 2007 at 10:35 am
I feel your pain. I was divorced for eight years and played that dating game far to often.
For a while I felt like I was the Queen of First Dates. It seemed I rarely found someone I wanted to see for a second date.
I had friends telling me I was being overly picky and should let my expectations fall just a bit.
If you have friends telling you that, don’t listen to them. You’ll only be happy finding what you want and when you’ve been married before and have kids, you can be fairly certain of what it’s going to take to curl your toes :)
christina
Jul 30, 2007 at 11:21 am
LOL lowered expectations are what got me into my marriage mess in the first place!
How did you finally meet your husband?
I’m not settling. But it’s so discouraging to keep going out with perfectly nice men I just don’t feel any connection to. Ah well.
Rachel Sarah
Jul 30, 2007 at 2:31 pm
Christina,
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry… Boy, do I relate! You know that I’m SO there right now. Pretty please, can I “use” you today in my blog?… I love this post and want to link it today from http://www.singlemomseeking.com.
Thanks!
xo,
Rachel
christina
Jul 30, 2007 at 2:41 pm
Rachel, of course!
I was thinking about you this weekend when I finally threw in the towel.
What a mess.
xxoo
c
Kelly
Jul 30, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Oh, the KOE is the cutest thing. My preteen daughter is still asking for a “new dad”. I so much as go on one date and she’s practically begging me to marry the guy. Ack.
And yes, I’m with you on the whole dating thing. It’s just way too much trouble. I’ve been boyfriend-free (never married) for 7 years now, and I’ve gotten much to used to the freedom… more room in the bed! making my own decisions! no drama! only one “kid” to take care of!… to go back now unless it’s for someone really amazing.
Kelly
Jul 30, 2007 at 3:23 pm
Oh, I also meant to reply to this comment: “If we’re all so damned fantastic, why are we all single?”
Because, my dear, we are fantastic enough to not need someone to add to our already great lives!
angel
Jul 30, 2007 at 5:01 pm
i happily celebrated my 6th year of non-dating in april!
christina
Jul 30, 2007 at 8:53 pm
LOL Kelly! I aspire to be fantastic. I’m not sure I wouldn’t be happy enough to cede some space in bed if I could share it with someone who knows what happily ever after means.
But you’re right. It’s a nice place to be in, not ‘needing’ a man.
christina
Jul 30, 2007 at 8:54 pm
Angel! Really? Is finding a nice guy so much work that we’re all just going to give up??
Wow.
Ike
Jul 31, 2007 at 11:30 am
I also agree that it’s a good place to be, not ‘needing’ a man. Wanting one is a different story. My questions are these: where do you meet nice men when your world consists of work and kids, and why are some men scared off by independent women? Male friends of mine say it’s attractive for a woman to be independent but that hasn’t played out in my world! :)
On a different note, I recently had my palm read (on a whim), and the palm reader said I would get remarried but that it will take awhile because I will be very picky! I’m with you Christina, I wasn’t picky enough the first time around! :)
christina
Jul 31, 2007 at 8:28 pm
Ike, you said it so rightly! I don’t need a man. I think I want one in my life, though. Eventually. Besides the one I’m raising, of course.
Let’s hear it for picky. I’ll take picky over stuck any day!
Kate
Aug 1, 2007 at 4:07 am
Online dating wants to be a pizza delivery service, but dating is never as good as pizza.
Jennifer
Aug 3, 2007 at 2:23 am
Well, none of this sounds very uplifting; but sort of what I expected. I’m newly separated from my partner (although he won’t move out, LORD) and thought I’d wander over here. I actually consider us separated for years though so it’s not too new. I wondered when people start to think about dating again — now that seems like a very bad idea. I always liked dating when I was single. But more for the rush. Now, with writing and Cedar (my little) and everything else the rush seems less interesting. And I always hated the dating game part. I guess I’ll look through the archives for some positive news.
Good post though. I’ll be back.
christina
Aug 3, 2007 at 2:14 pm
Jennifer, just hang around. I bet in a week or two I’ll be gushing about what a great man I met at the supermarket or something.
Oh. Wait. I don’t go to the supermarket — don’t have time! I’ll have to find somewhere else to bump into Mr. Right. Don’t give up. Just give yourself some space to breathe, and don’t expect to meet the right guy on the first foray.
Crystal
Aug 6, 2007 at 6:33 am
Wow…I just happened across your site while searching for other single mom blogs and I love this post!! It really couldn’t be more true! I have my daughter, work full time, and go to school. Who has time for a man to?
Gayla McCord
Aug 6, 2007 at 8:30 pm
now that I’ve finally made it back here…
My husband was actually my high school sweetheart. The first boy I ever kissed and the first one my parents let me date. We reunited 20 years after we dated the first time :)
But believe me, I kissed many a toad getting my way back to him. Dated some psychos, some players, some freaks, some goons. It was really insane.
I had literally given up and within a month, my old high school flame came knocking on my door. I hadn’t seen or heard from him in 18 years.
Strange things DO happen.
christina
Aug 6, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Gayla, that’s just wonderful. I wish my high school sweetheart would come sweep me off my feet again — but I’m also happy he’s married with kid of his own.
Gayla McCord
Aug 6, 2007 at 9:59 pm
Mine was married, two kids and divorced by the time he showed up at my door.
I’d always kept my ear out for any word about him. I called his parents to check on him while he was in Desert Storm.
I was happy thinking he was happy too, but now I’m happy knowing he’s happy with me :)
Your day will come too — and to sound exactly like an old cliche’ it will come when you least expect it.
No makeup, unshaved legs, messy hair and all lol
Ame
Aug 8, 2007 at 2:25 am
I keep thinking that I am finished with men, but then I find myself updating my Yahoo Personals profile… So far I have never managed to get beyond chatting by IM with someone. I talk for a bit and then remember just how exhausting dating is.
I had the amusing luck to read my ex’s Yahoo profile and it made me suspicious of the entire process. I know the difference between how he represented himself and who he really was. I looked at his profile and thought “Wow, he sounds great, I’d like to meet him.” I then smacked myself in the forehead and took down my profile. I obviously couldn’t trust myself to pick someone from one of those PR pieces.
It made me want to start a site called “Date My EX” where you can write a REAL profile of you ex for hapless women visiting dating sites to check up on the “great” guy they met on whatever site… I was certainly wishing I had the power to hack his profile to add a few truths…
christina
Aug 8, 2007 at 7:20 am
Gayla, I’m hoping the one I should have been with all these years will show up on my doorstep some day. I’ll even play off the unwashed and somewhat slightly dazed look I’ll probably be caught in!
christina
Aug 8, 2007 at 7:25 am
Ame, I came across my ex updating his profile on old associations and such, and it gave me a pang for a moment, but then I let it go. Sure, I could tell horror stories, but from his point of view, he’s got horror stories about me, too. It helps that we live half a world apart, I suppose.
What’s even funnier is what I want to do after I go on a date from one of these online dating services. While the guy usually isn’t right for me, I want to write something positive in his profile for other women to see…
Rachel Sarah
Aug 8, 2007 at 10:32 am
Love all the comments!
Actually, I just wrote a piece about finding my Ex online recently and taking extreme measures to show women what he’s really like. Yikes.
You can read Single Mom Seeking Revenge here: http://www.literarymama.com/columns/singlemomseeking/
I’d love to know what you women think….
Rachel
America
Aug 8, 2007 at 11:51 am
Rachel - If I could have hack my ex’s profile, I would have. Unfortunately his career is internet security and he revels in uncrackable password creation. Unlike you, I would have revelled in leaving it up as long as possible.
I currently have a wicked opporitunity for revenge against my ex and I am TRYING to resist my baser urges, but man it is hard.
Ginger
Aug 20, 2007 at 1:51 am
I’m not sure I care for dating and yet I hate being alone. It is more heartbreaking though to hear my son ask if I will get married so he can have a new dad.
I’ve tried dating. I just don’t think I know how to “date”. I don’t get men anyway. The few I have gone out with tell me how great I’m supposed to be…but then disappear…and disappoint.
I like the personal bus idea. Mine has always been that the right guy would have to really smack me upside the head hard for me to even notice him. Think I’m going to just raise my boys to be better young men than the men I’ve met along the way. I hope!
Douglas Woods
Sep 10, 2007 at 3:46 pm
To try to answer your question..
“If we’re all so damned fantastic, why are we all single?”
perhaps the answer is that we are often so full of ourselves and pay little attention to others, except perhaps in what they can do for us. Maybe this is why we are still single. When dating, we want to tell the other person about us and hope they like us.. perhaps we should listen more and get to like the other person.
christina
Sep 10, 2007 at 7:02 pm
Thank you Douglas. You made me laugh. I know your response is in all kindness and earnestness, but this entry was so long ago, and dating is so the last worry on my list right now, that to see this brought back to the light of day reminded me of how silly life really is.
I don’t talk much on a date except to keep the conversation going and draw the gentleman out about himself. It’s a fun evening when he’s trying to do the same for me.
W.Nite
Sep 24, 2007 at 3:22 pm
Interesting read. I don’t think I put much credence in it as a baramoter of you and your personality, but interesting none the less.
I know it was months ago, but I am just curious as to how much your “stance” has softened? If it has, what do you think did it?
Be honest, isn’t the tingle of anticipation one of the best feelings? Only to be topped by reality exceeding one’s anticipation?
Actually, it sounds like you were just on too many bad first dates. I would love to hear what you say after a great first date. Better yet, let us know what you feel like after a great fourth date.
And I really don’t think for a second, if you were having a good time, you wouldn’t “…talk much on a date except to keep the conversation going and draw the gentleman out about himself.”
You are most likely one of the most fun and entertaining dates around. I think you were overly stressed when this missive was originally penned.
And I think, if I were you, I would find out more (at least the last name) before the first date.
Just an observation.
christina
Sep 25, 2007 at 9:09 am
Mr. Nite… the wonderful thing about blogs is that you get a snippet in time. the not so wonderful thing about blogs is that that snippet of time is static, and I am rather fluid in my hopes, dreams, attitudes and prejudices. Quid pro quo, ergo, ertzatz et al, I let go of a few criteria requirements and personal agenda, and while I’m still waiting for my White Knight to whisk me away to Bliss on a Regular Basis, neither have I had such nightmarish first dates as were my wont two months ago. The most important thing I did was stop dating for my son and start dating for me.
Monica
Jan 25, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Beautiful!
I always say that I am going off the market. But then I go out and date, Im 27 and I look 21. I have a hard time dating guys that are mature enough to understand my single-mom life. Usually the guys that ask me out are under 26. I feel scared that the guy Im dating will not want a relationship with someone like me. I tried an older man, who was 42 and that went terribly wrong, he was stuck in the 80’s and was very controlling. I don’t really know what to do, but to keep trying to be off the market, Is just that sometimes I feel like going out and fantasize about having a great guy next to me, to comfort me, listen to me and pamper me.
You go girl, I will keep trying but it is hard, specially when most of my girl friends are engaged, or have been on a serious relationship, or have kids but managed to find that handsome guy…
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