Solo Mother

The importance of ritual

by christina on October 13th, 2006

This is a theme to which I will be returning often. I believe that life should be filled with ritual. No, there doesn’t have to be incense and chanting. Nothing like that. I’m thinking more along the lines of things you do, as a family–every day, every week, every month, every year. Things that, when you are grown, you will look back on with fondness and anticipate the joy your children will have when they, too, get it.When we had finally decided to split, I sat at my desk in Sharjah, UAE, and contemplated the blankness that stretched out before me. Days and days and years of uncertainty where there had once been this vague but determined plan to Stay Married and Grow Old Together. Those blank days were driving me around the bend, causing crying jags that lasted all night.

One night, while smearing the tears and snot around a little thinner, I noticed the big, desktop calendar on my slide-out shelf. And I began to fill in the days. Every weekend day from now through the end of the year has the possibility of something. It all has to do with my son, of course. If I only have three hours a day with him during the week, then I damned well want to spend some fun time with him on the weekends. And since I am a Really Single Mother whose ex lives in another country, I don’t have to share my weekends with anyone other than the Kid. Yet. If the Ex ever comes back to America, the rules will have to be rewritten. We’ll cross that lava pit when we get to it. For now, I’m trying to instill some of the rituals I had when I was growing up.

Like… eating meals at the table, with silverware and plates and napkins. Brushing your teeth every morning and evening. These are rituals that offer comfort and stability, especially in times of stress like now. But how about the ritual of goodnight? The bath book bed of it all — or as we say it chez nous: bainbain, calain, bookin, dodo.  Of those extra kisses you put in your kid’s hands to stuff in his or her pockets for later? Or simply taking a grieving, hurt child into your arms and whispering, ‘You’re ok, mama’s got you. You’re safe.’

Begin to weave a life of meaningful ritual, build a safe, happy home with them. Celebrate the changing seasons with seasonal fruits and festivals like the Apple Harvest Festival up near Bigglersville, PA and the Cherry Blossom Festival every spring around the Tidal Basin. Plant a vegetable garden. Go trick or treating (it can be done). Put cookies and milk out for Santa even if you don’t believe in him any more.

 And always sneak back into your kids’ rooms for one last goodnight kiss.

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POSTED IN: emotional pain, family fun, parenting, ritual