Solo Mother

the state of (the three of) us, one year out

by christina on September 25th, 2007

We still are not officially divorced. Something about money. It’s expensive to get divorced, though I’ve been pinching my pennies against the day. Obviously, this is not something that can continue, unresolved, indefinitely. There are new lives to build, new dreams to chase, and those old strings will need to be cut someday.

I have learned to bow and bend, how to surrender and accept what cannot be changed. I’ve learned to pick my battles with myself and my son.

And heaven help me, but I’m learning how to forgive myself.

Can you believe it? Me. Hard core critic of my own, all too human mistakes. The one who cannot forgive herself any slight, any mistake, is learning to be kind to herself. It’s an incredible feeling. It’s awesome. It’s humbling. It’s necessary. I have so far to go, but I can feel the metal band of my own grip beginning to ease, and as I begin to accept the fact that I am all to human and make mistakes, I find that I’m rediscovering my sense of humor–not to mention my sense of self–again. Every pop psychologist on the face of the planet tells us to love ourselves, forgive ourselves, yadda yadda blah blah blah… but they really are onto something. I’ve begun to forgive myself for not being perfect enough to make this broken wreck of a marriage work. I’ve been working on forgiving myself for not listening to my inner voice, the one that said this was a mistake, getting married in the first place.

If you can forgive yourself, see, you can move on and get over it. You don’t agonize over things. You regret, you rue, you say, “Do better next time.”

And then you forgive.

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