thinking about single mothers by choice
I wonder what life would have been like if I’d made the decision to have a child without the active involvement of a father. Would this be easier or harder or just different? I don’t know. Whether a woman finds herself with an unplanned pregnancy and decides to forge ahead, father or no… or if she’s a woman who wants a child but doesn’t feel like waiting for Mr. Almost Right to come along, and either has a planned pregnancy or adopts… I admire these strong, creative, confident women who are single by choice.
Poking around on the Web brought me to Single Mothers by Choice: “Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) was founded in 1981 by Jane Mattes, C.S.W., a psychotherapist and single mother by choice”. Their philosophy is empowering, and I quote it here in full:
1. A single mother by choice is a woman willing to take the initiative. Her child might have been conceived or adopted. What we all share is the decision to take on the responsibility of raising our children knowing that, at least at the outset, we will be parenting alone.
2. Our goals are to offer support and information to single mothers by choice and to single women considering motherhood, to provide a peer group for our children, and to clarify the public’s understanding of single mothers by choice.
3. SMC is not an advocacy group. It is not fair to a child or woman to urge her to get into an impractical or overextended situation, or one where there are a great many unresolved issues or deep concerns. Single parenting is difficult enough for the woman who is sure and prepared.
4. In general, our members feel that it is preferable to raise a child with two loving parents. However, in the absence of a good partnership, and with the rate of divorce as high as it is, we feel that being raised by a caring and competent single parent is definitely a viable option.
5. The majority of us have completed college, are well-established in our careers, and are able to support a child without recourse to public funds.
6. The word “choice” in our title has two implications: we have made a serious and thoughtful decision to take on the responsibility of raising a child by ourselves, and we have chosen not to be in a relationship rather than be in one that does not seem satisfactory.
There’s a great thread on single by choice over on BusinessWeek, by Cathy Ardst. Hop into the conversation, and come tell me what you think. I think we’ve all got a little single mother by choice in us, even if we come to it by way of divorce. Didn’t we choose a better life for ourselves and our children?
Tags: BusinessWeek, Cathy-Arnst, single by choice, single-motherRelated Stories
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7 opinions for thinking about single mothers by choice
angel
Aug 26, 2007 at 9:01 am
it is indeed a tough choice- but its one i woud never go back and change, not for anything or anyone!!!
i KNOW damien’s father and i wouldn’t have been happy together and i know we wouldn’t have stayed together…
Ishkabibble
Aug 26, 2007 at 10:54 pm
I am a single mother by choice to two extraordinary children, a ten-year-old boy and a seven-year-old girl (full biological sibs), through an anonymous donor. I’d reached an age where there was nobody special in my life (having divorced the World’s Worst Person) and had a deeply ingrained, I don’t know, assumption I guess, that I WOULD have a family. I never questioned it; in fact it wasn’t really a decision but more of something I had to do that was as inevitable as needing glasses or being Jewish or reading books.
Being a parent has been my life’s greatest achievement by far, and being a single parent is one of the world’s best kept secrets. Although I must depend on my parents, friends and siblings for continuous advice and assistance (and they’re always prepared to step up to the plate), I believe our lives are slightly smoother than some others’ since we don’t have to factor in parenting disagreements.
Of course, I come from a background that offers me a great deal of support, in addition to which I’m mature, educated and financially secure. My situation is markedly different from that of an unexpectedly pregnant fifteen-year-old high school student. For an insightful comparison of check out On Our Own by Melissa Ludtke.
Jennifer
Aug 27, 2007 at 6:24 pm
I think it is better for kids to be raised by more that one person; community is a biggie. But most people are so caught up in their lives now that we have little community left. It’s sad. I don’t know that I’d be a single parent by choice; well, actually I guess I am. I can’t stand Cedar’s dad. Lately it makes me physically ill to even see him. I’m hoping that will pass soon.
Other mamas who are not single that I know have someone who can help them out when they need to work which sounds really nice.
NYC Mama
Sep 5, 2007 at 11:23 am
I consider myself a single mother-to-be by choice. I’m 39 weeks along now (any day now!!!), and at 10 and a half weeks I had to make the decision to break up with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I could’ve had an abortion — I was certainly within the alloted time frame for that, and to be candid, I even considered it (although not very deeply). In the end, I decided that I had what it took to be a great Mom, with or without a partner. I knew I had terrific parents, loving friends, and a knack for resourcefulness that would get me through just about anything. I am 34, not a teenager, so I felt I was at a place in my life where I could pull this off with just the odd hitch here or there. It hasn’t been easy - like when I went on the Maternity Ward tour at my hospital with my Mom and every other woman there was with her significant other. That made me a little sad. Mostly though, I’ve felt like no matter how difficult this may be, I CAN do it, and do it really well. I’m proud of myself but in a resigned, “What else could I really have done?” way.
Ishkabibble
Sep 5, 2007 at 12:23 pm
I remember the sadness touring the maternity ward, and after my son was born when all the dads were there with the moms and new babies. That poignancy was an occasional visitor, but became less prominent after the first few years. I still occasionally feel “singled out” but most of the time I don’t see myself or our family as that different from others we know. I believe, after observing other single moms by choice, that I have influence over how I’m perceived by members of more “traditional” families; I think we portray ourselves as a regular family, and I think most people we know see us that way too. I’ve seen other SMCs who wear their singleness as a badge, and even as a chip on the shoulder; I think this sets them apart. My advice is to try to see yourselves as a normal, every day family unit; if you don’t make a big deal about it others won’t either. Besides, you’ll find as you mention your situation to others that most people are extremely admiring and supportive, and after a while you just don’t feel so different.
Best of luck, and enjoy all those kisses and hugs!
NYC Mama
Sep 5, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Ishkabibble!
christina
Sep 5, 2007 at 11:04 pm
Thank you Ish. We all needed that. I’ve insulated myself from any disapproval of the way our little dyad life has turned because I have such strong, loving mother friends who have helped me though the transition.
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