Thoughts on a train
I behave differently when he’s away. I play my music too loud to chase away his absence. I wander, aimlessly, through the house, with some vague sense that there’s something else I should be doing, something more important. Something’s missing. I wonder what’s he’s up to, what silly joke he’s trying to tell, what weird game with rules only an almost-four-year-old can make up. I get things done when he’s not around, it’s true, but I’d much prefer our messy, casual, everything will be alright existence to the high speed efficiency of single life.
I miss him. The world’s too big without him.
Four in the morning is a limbo time, a neither here nor there time. Anyone with sense is sleeping. Anyone with purpose is working. Anyone with problems is in full on destruction mode at four in the morning. The silent vibrate on my work mobile whirs, once from across the room, in the pitch black. My eyes are open immediately. Such a tiny sound, but all I needed. A mewling from the alley has me sitting up in complete and utter disorientation: what’s a child doing, crying in the alley at this time of night? and then I remember, I’m not a mama today, I’m a businesswoman, and that sound is a cat, not a child crying.
I’ll sleep on the train, soon. I’d thought to catch up on work, but forgot… no access to the servers from here. I’m stuck. The danger of the life I lead now is feeling inadequate, feeling I can only do a halfway job on mothering and work, because I feel so divided, as though I can’t do 110% for both child and work, though from the exhaustion I’m feeling, I think I’m giving at least 105%. There’s a man at the office who has to get home to his baby every evening, and I often wonder if that commitment to being home on time, every night, is going to shunt him into a ‘mommy track’ or if the place where I work is truly enlightened as to the quality of work that parents can give. I don’t know the answer to that. I do know i am always worried that I’ll be perceived as less than dedicated because I don’t stay as late as so many other do — when in reality, I’m at the office before 8AM most mornings, and leave at around 5:30PM… a long day.
I know I’ve alluded to the mommy track before. How do you all deal with the pressure to give your all to the office, versus your child’s real need for some mommy time? Do you feel you put undue pressure on yourself to perform and success because you are worried about being labeled, otherwise? Or is this just my perfectionist streak playing mean tricks on me, and I need to lighten up?
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2 opinions for Thoughts on a train
Ratphooey
Mar 19, 2007 at 10:13 pm
When I interviewed for my current position, I made it clear that I was a dedicated employee, but one with a small child, and that while I’d happily give 110% while in the office, I planned to work a slightly reduced schedule in order to spend more time with my child. This amounted to coming in an hour after everyone else, so I could have breakfast with my son, and doing my best to leave the office at 5. I was willing to accept a small pay cut for the few hours I was missing. It’s worked out well, though I’ve often stayed late when project deadlines required it. Fortunately I’ve got live-in child care, in the form of my parents. I can’t imagine making it work otherwise.
christina
Mar 23, 2007 at 4:44 pm
it’s hard. If I were married, with another income upon which to rely, I’d work less and be more of a mom. Sigh. I’m thankful that my child’s in a school environment with adults and older children who really love and look out for him. Once I’ve proven myself worthy, my firm will let me work from home, etc. It’s all going to work out somehow.
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