Solo Mother

Unsolicited advice

by christina on April 5th, 2007

I just looooove it when someone starts a sentence, ‘Well, you know what you should do’ as if everything is simple, clear, easy. As if i haven’t thought of XYZ. Now, I’m not talking about the times when I turn to my friends and family for advice. They know that’s what I’m doing because I tell them: I need  your help. I ask them: what do you think I should do? I listen to them: yes, I tried that, or maybe you’re right, I’ll give it a shot. And believe me, since I’ve become a single mother, the unsolicited advice–and the solicited advice–has come fast and furious.

Unsolicited advice is a pain in the …

There are as many ways to do things as there are babies on Earth right now. I remember some horrifying suggestions made to me, a baby-wearing, extended nursing, no-circumcising mama regarding formula, baby carriages, and my son’s penis. When he was a baby, it was easy. I could just smile and nod, then say, “Oh well, his pediatrician recommended this, so we’ll follow our doctor’s advice. Thanks for thinking of us, though.” Didn’t matter if it was something the pediatrician had mentioned or not, I could usually use that excuse to deflect the well-intentioned.

Now that the babe is no longer a babe, the opinions are more subtle, more personal. He’s too spoiled. I’m too strict. He should eat more.  He should eat less. I should spank him. I shouldn’t discipline him at all. I can’t hide behind his pediatrician anymore. Everyone has a different opinion of how I’m doing my job. Don’t get me started on all the things folks think I should or should not be doing for my own self, either. I know what I should be doing for me, but there are only so many hours in a day, and at least I’ve made getting enough sleep my number one priority for myself. It’s a start. Whenever I find the time to add another good thing for me, I’ll do it. Right now, yes, I’m working on getting more exercise. Right after i get my job stabilized so I don’t have to work 60 hours a week.

But I digress. What I’ve learned from all this unsolicited advice is to pick my battles. I’m not going to fight with someone who tells me I have to exercise more, except perhaps to say, “Well, DUH!”  I certainly let the food comments slide. And I’ll tell you, folks might say my kid is this that or the other… until they take him in the context of other kids, kids who can’t be calmed down, redirected, or otherwise gently encouraged to be a part of the team. Then, my advisors usually come back to me and apologize, and tell me some tale of Other People’s Kids. I try not to give out unsolicited advice… but sometimes, turnabout is fair play.

If you want a happy child, give him or her every chance to succeed, and make their successes and failures their own. help them succeed, help them recover after they fail. Love them, even when you’re annoyed with them.

How often do you say ‘no’ to your child?

How often can  you say ‘yes’?

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POSTED IN: mother's guilt