we were meant to shine
there are things that still make the bottom of my stomach drop out into a pit of despair… like accidentally stumbling across old emails from the ex from the bad times. When you have lived with pain for years, when you have shifted and accommodated yourself to it, twisted and contorted like the Elephant Man to encompass it… and then suddenly, that pain ends… your body and heart and mind don’t know what to do with themselves. We’ve all become accustomed to our pain, you see. Its absence feels aberrant. The we that is my heart mind soul don’t know how to stand up straight anymore. We don’t know how to run. We don’t know how to live in this brave, free world that has suddenly opened up before us. I keep poking where the abscess was, and recoiling in amazement, in shock, when I find no pain, just scar tissue. The emotional life I was forced to accept rendered me crippled and hamstrung; I’ve been given a miracle, but can’t believe in its permanence. I keep waiting for the misery, the pain, to descend again and twist me back into that old, disgusting shape. It’s a difficult thing to realize, that I’m no longer a cave dweller, and moreover, I was never meant to be forced into an airless, darkfilled prison, but was always supposed to walk with tidal grace and sparkling laughter, in the light.
Know this as you ponder what it means to break free. We were all of us meant to shine.
Tags: courage, cruelty, divorce, insipiration, leaving, mental-abuse, single-mom, single-mommy, single-motherRelated Stories
POSTED IN: inspiration, leaving, sanity
7 opinions for we were meant to shine
Michael
May 2, 2007 at 7:22 am
This is so beautiful. I would say it is some of your very best writing
Kat
May 2, 2007 at 8:29 am
It is all good! All so very good beautiful mamma!
christina
May 2, 2007 at 12:59 pm
:) thank you so much, Kat, for bringing us into your family. It feels so much like home. Even my mom noticed how much Nico adores Matt!
christina
May 2, 2007 at 1:00 pm
:) Thank you, Michael.
connie
May 3, 2007 at 9:20 am
Thanks, I needed that today!! I am scared I am not meant be free. I should be embracing the opportunity to experience freedom.
christina
May 3, 2007 at 9:01 pm
Connie, it’s a difficult road. But if you truly feel the way I described, and you think you have the strength to really stand up for youself, be good to yourself, and take care of yourself, then you can escape the abuse. It’s so true: If you don’t care about yourself, no one else will. I wish you luck.
Boiketsiso
Nov 23, 2008 at 5:26 am
We were meant to shine, it doesn’t matter the glow that sparkles but the inner pride that counts the most when we all shine like stars in the milky lane. Shine an take a moment to look within yourself and embrace that glow. It doesn’t matter how small or how big you have shone, but one thing that counts the most is embracing the good you have done or that you have achieved.
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