what can you do when your ex would rather be fishing?
Some guys would rather spend the money on themselves than on their children. That’s just a fact. When your ex is having fun at the expense of your children, it’s hard to stay calm. I’ve been reading some laments around the Net, from women who can’t make ends meet without the child support payments, yet who can’t count on the money because it arrives late–if ever.
I used to work freelance. I know what it’s like to never know how much money you’re going to have in your pocket at the end of the month. It’s a harsh way to live. Even worse is the mental tally you keep in your head when the ex doesn’t help out as was promised, either in a verbal promise or a legal agreement. I’ll look at the flip side of the coin and allow as how some women probably spend their child’s money on themselves. But come on, guys. You’re hurting your children by not helping. If you weren’t interested in being tied to another human being for the rest of your life, you should never have had children.
Moms, there’s very little you can do… but the laws are getting better. Document the lack of payment thoroughly, and report him. How? Where? Often, a simple income withholding form filled out at your local courthouse will do the trick, if your ex is employed and able to be found. Otherwise, you might be wise to invest in a lawyer; social services can handle the collection process for you for a small fee, but the treatment you get might not be as one on one as you’d like. Some states are suspending driving licenses or booting the cars of people who don’t pay. I don’t know what you might be able to do to collect against international deadbeats… but collection agencies do contact your ex’s company and provide documentation that their employee has been shirking his obligation. Often, these agents can negotiate an automatic draft to solve the problem. Do some research and see if your state or locale has any agreements with foreign countries regarding collecting delinquent child support.
Whatever you do, don’t spend more than you can afford on this. No point losing money on both ends, both the help you’re not receiving and the funds you’re spending to try to recover the debt. Unfortunately, you can’t withhold visitation just because your ex doesn’t pay, which is frustrating when he might be rather obviously spending money in other places.
All you can do is be the better person, really, and let your child discover on his or her own what the difference between love and selfishness really is. Don’t kill yourself trying to teach your ex the difference, though. Chances are, it’s one of the reasons the two of you aren’t together anymore, isn’t it?
Tags: child support, collecting-child-support, delinquent-child-supportRelated Stories
POSTED IN: child support
16 opinions for what can you do when your ex would rather be fishing?
NYC Mama
Jun 18, 2007 at 11:21 pm
I’ve begun to realize that I have a bit of a struggle ahead of me when it comes to this topic, and my little one won’t be born until September! It’s good to know that there are sisters out there who are forging ahead and lighting the way to empowerment for those of us who are just joining the ranks of Solo Motherhood.
By the way, I love your blog. I’ve actually taken an entire weekend to go through your archived posts so that I can get to know you and the KoE better. Thanks for sharing yourself with us. I’ve put a link on my blog to yours; I hope that is alright.
With kindest regards,
Issa.
christina
Jun 19, 2007 at 6:27 am
hello, Issa, glad you found SoloMother. The one great thing about being a single mother is never having to fight with your mate about how to raise the kid. at least, not as often.
Jimmy Verner
Jun 19, 2007 at 9:26 am
You will find quite a bit of information and resources on child support collection in all 50 states at http://www.childsupportweb.com
Kate
Jun 19, 2007 at 2:03 pm
I wish you didn’t have to write posts like this. I wish it weren’t a problem so many families have to deal with.
christina
Jun 19, 2007 at 3:06 pm
Kate, it’s just so hard. It’s something that can destroy people if you let it. I’m trying not to let it hurt me, or my son. But that means I end up working all weekend and leaving my son with his grandparents. Thank goodness for them! But oh, I miss being his mama.
Kelly
Jun 19, 2007 at 3:12 pm
I highly recommend Supportkids.com. They have helped me a great deal. They do take a percentage of what they collect, but the state was getting me nothing, so it was worth it and gave them an incentive to collect.
When people mention mothers spending child support on themselves it makes me laugh. I know there are probably cases like that where women are getting big checks, but most of the time the checks we get don’t even begin to cover a fraction of the expenses we incur as single parents. I know mine wasn’t even covering half of my daughter’s daycare when she was in it.
I also know how frustrating it is to not have enough money to buy your child a happy meal and know that her father is out travelling all over the world and not sending you a dime to help. I’ve been there. It’s very sad.
christina
Jun 24, 2007 at 8:57 am
Kelly, I’m sorry you know what I’m talking about. Thanks for the recommendation on supportkids.com
I’ll check it out.
Linkfest: where’s the help when you need it, single mom?
Jun 24, 2007 at 9:15 am
[…] recent post about the frustrations of collecting child support brought two good sites for help, information and […]
Melonie K. (Workerette.com)
Jun 24, 2007 at 5:16 pm
I let my ex get away with late pays and a non-payment for way, way too long. Worst part is the non-payment happened after I remarried last summer and he no longer had to pay me alimony…you’d think the funds would be there. Thankfully I finally gave in (gave up!) and went to the state and asked them to garnish his wages. The fantastic part was that all the documents I needed (for WA state) were online in .pdf format so I could fill them out at home and send them in. I made sure to keep copies of everything for my records too.
The caseworker messed up on things and now we are getting less than HALF of what we should be getting until they get it all straightened out, but at least we’re getting something. It’s better than nothing.
Being able to go online meant not dealing with traffic, stressful interviews, etc, since I had all my facts ready and available. I would encourage other single parents who are being held out on to check whether their state offers a similar program. Here they are willing to cut me a check, do autodeposit (my choice) or even load the funds onto a prepaid debit card each time it’s received. Very handy!
christina
Jun 24, 2007 at 7:49 pm
thanks, Melanie! I know government sites are pretty cumbersome to navagate, but you’re right. If you can do it on line, at least you don’t have to stand on line as often!
I hope everything gets straightened out for you soon.
Debbie
Aug 26, 2007 at 10:41 pm
Are you kidding? supportkids.com has not gotten me a dime! I paid around $500 to set the thing up and now for the rest of my kid’s life this company gets 34%? Yeah, sounds like a good deal to the desperate, til I realized that even when my ex sent me a check directly to the house, I STILL OWE 34% TO SUPPORT KIDS that they can take me to court for. Now that he knows I’m signed up with them, I’m worse off because he used to pay more. Now he purposely pays a tiny amount so that i can never cancel with support kids.com. Maybe you all have stupid ex’s, mine’s not. I know he’ll give my daughter everything when she’s older but I wanted someone to **** him over for once, and he’s used them to SCREW ME! Then again I don’t allow visitation so….now in church I’m realizing I deserved this for being a ****. Women, wake up and don’t just sign any contract as I did. I later met a woman who worked for these crooks - they have no more search power than the state. If someone doesn’t want to be found, they won’t be simple as that. Meanwhile I’m going to have to explain to my kid in a few years that I totally screwed her life up over ego and now I’m totally reaping Karma.
****Christina’s note: I ***’ed out the expletives, even though the writer kindly ASCII’ed them into submission
lilly
Nov 28, 2007 at 12:15 pm
I am in the same situation as you are.
I ex- husband sent in a payment to the Attorney General for $1,000 and Support Kids contacted them and the check was sent to them and they are only sending me $600. Do you know how long they can keep the contract for?
christina
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Lilly, I don’t know the particulars. You should read your contract with Support Kids very carefully. If I find out anything I’ll let you know. Good luck!
Kelly
Nov 29, 2007 at 2:07 pm
I’m just now seeing Debbie’s comment, and I just wanted to reply. I think it really depends on your situation. Sounds like they really did a number on you, and I’m sorry that happened.
My daughter’s father is very bright as well, and he did all kinds of shady things to try and get out of paying, so I know where you’re coming from. I even signed up with a different child support collection agency before Supportkids, and they ended up telling me to forget it, he was just never going to be found, and that he was a weasle.
In my case, Supportkids is the only thing that ever got me any money. Yes, they take some of it, but I always looked at that as more motivation for them. I only recommend using it as a last resort, because of course it’s better to get the full amount. But for me, it was 66% of his court ordered payments or 100% of zero. Also, now that they have collected all the back pay, they are only taking a 15% fee. I was given the option of no longer using them to collect the money, but I knew better than to stop something that’s been working for me. Maybe in my case, he just got tired of running. Who knows? But I didn’t want to risk no longer getting those checks.
I didn’t have to pay any fee to sign up with them either, so I’m not sure why you had to fork over $500. Maybe their policy has changed.
Good luck.
Lori
Apr 8, 2008 at 9:29 am
I have too also signed my kids support over to those crooks….They promise you all this crap and once they got their 475.00 fee paid the phone calls per month went from 20 a month down to now 1-2 calls / i have been working with the texas attorney general and the state of alabama myself and they are going to reep the benifits….. they give you some lame excuse as to why they dont call … like they are tring to garnish property haha…. my ex flys really well under the radar… he couldnt buy a roll of T>P> if he had to finance it .. he keeps all his money in his stupid gurlfriends name… he works for himself…they will never garnish a thing from him … all they do is SOMETIMES they harras him… whoopido!! my contract states when they collect the amt that i signed up with its over …. god i hope he pays 7000.00 … so i can cut the ties with them …. signed….doopedbysupportkids.com
christina
Apr 8, 2008 at 10:16 am
Lori, I have to do some research about other recourses besides this group…
but I know that somewhere you can report his failure to pay and he will be thrown in prison. I just don’t remember the details. Not enough coffee.
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