Solo Mother

What I did when my kid didn’t fit in…

by christina on October 15th, 2007

I didn’t comment on all your wonderful notes regarding the King of Everything’s difficulties at school, mostly because I was so overwhelmed by the depth of information and the breadth of compassion you have all shown for that lovely little creature who shares my life.

Thank you.

A few of you commented on the fact that I said I’ve tried everything, but then I didn’t say anything about positive parenting techniques. Know why? Those techniques are like breathing for us; to me, it’s just what we do, and so I forget to list it in the laundry list of things I’ve tried. It’s the first thing I try!

But I thought I’d put it out there for those of you facing the same kind of challenges as I do, but who perhaps aren’t using all the tools at your disposal. To paraphrased something another mother once told me: “When your kid is at his unloveliest? That when you have to love him the most.” I listen to that little voice inside me that says, ugh, he’s behaving horridly, I want to escape! and know that when I start thinking that way, it’s a signal to me that I need to love him even more.

Like when he’s screaming his head off at me. Intellectually, I know it’s because he’s comfortable with me and knows he can hang his great big sloppy screaming messes on my doorstep and I won’t walk away from him. As a person with my own emotions and issues to handle, it hurts when he takes it out on me. But it’s not about me, it’s about him, and if I need to vent, I’ve got grownups I can talk to.

If none of this makes any sense to you, let me set up a scenario:

Your child is throwing a fit, screaming, yelling, “NO!” and basically losing his or her tiny mind. You have a wealth of options at your disposal. Some things you can do will escalate the situation; some will diffuse it faster. A few choices will simply cause your child to feel abandoned. For example…

A) You can tell her to be quiet, stop crying, quit acting like a baby.
B) You can walk out of the room and let the little one lose it alone
C) You can fold your kid in your arms if he or she will allow it and you can express her feelings for her. “You are so upset because we ran out of time and we won’t be able to play with the Lego’s before dinner. That is very disappointing…”

If you choose A, chances are, your child will simply begin to scream even more vehemently than before. I would. I hate it when people treat me that way. If you choose B (and lets face it, there are times when one of you has to walk away to avoid escalating the situation), your child will feel abandoned. If you do have to walk away, you should give your child a hug or some basic reassurance, and let them know you are walking away from the discomfort she’s inflicting upon you, and not walking out on the child herself. “I know you are very upset right now, but you may not take over the house with your big feelings. Your yelling is making me upset, so I am going to go to my room for a little bit. When you can stop yelling, please come find me so we can snuggle and fix this problem.”

If you choose C, you are throwing yourself into the fray as your child’s advocate, even advocating against her own behavior at times. You are giving her your full emotional support and filling in for her in the areas where she can’t quite cope, yet. You become her voice, her shelter, her safety net, and you ride out the storm together. It’s a lot of work, it requires time, and focus, and patience, but you will be modeling positive coping mechanisms to your child.

We all have a little voice in our heads that tell us what to do, how to act, etc.; have you ever wondered what that little voice is? Usually called ‘conscience’, it’s actually that broken record of things your parents and teachers and other role models pounded into your head since the day you were born. The more positive ways you can find to express what your child should do, the more supportive and motivating that little voice will be when she grows up.

This post is SoloMother’s second opportunity to win prizes in the b5media’s Family and Relationships Channel Blogtoberfest! Comment on this entry and get a chance to win another fantastic prize! Check out the other blogs on this channel every day throughout the month of October and look for the special Blogtoberfest Icon for your chance to win!

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