What I think about the poll…
It’s all about the tribe, isn’t it?
My son has always been a part of a tribe, since he was born. It started out with the mamas and babies we met at the breastfeeding support group we attended every week, sitting in rockers with other new moms, weighing our babes, talking with the lactation consultant about our struggles and cluelessness… from those weekly lifelines, a group coalesced. I remember champagne lunches at a friend’s house every week, with amazing salads and good things to eat, champagne for those that wanted it, and a few hours of laughter and light. We were a tribe. We spend time with grown-ups and children. I hope that, when the time comes for me to introduce my child to someone special in my life, there will be no awkward scenes, no sudden resistance on my child’s part, because we’ve always shared our friends.
As my child grows and changes, so has his tribe. He has adopted the man who lives on the corner as his personal bus buddy; our best and oldest friends from the nursing group have us over to dinner nearly every Sunday. My parents are a huge part of our tribe. The wonderful women who read and comment on this blog are, in a very intriguing way, a part of our tribe.
As you move through the beginning stages of separation (if divorce or breakup is the avenue by which you find yourself a single mother), the instinct is to cocoon. You shelter yourself when the rift comes, and ride out the difficult adjustment to dealing with a half time family, dealing with the fact of a child or children who divide time between two homes. It’s hard. Nothing is the same, nothing is as you once believed it should be.
You need a tribe. Get out of the house. Go fly a kite. Get together with other parents, other children. As a parent, it’s your duty to lead your family by example. If you stay home with your child, sad and bewildered and glued to the television, you’re missing out on a whole wide world of memories, rituals, and fun.
Before I moved back to the States, I sat in front of a big, month-at-a-glance desk calendar and stared at all those empty, unknown days that threatened to engulf us. I did research. I found weekends filled with fun things to do…14 weekends worth of new rituals and memories for us to share in our new life.
If you decide to shelter your child from other people, choosing instead to spend your time together, just the two (or three or four) of you when it’s your turn to be the Full Time Parent of the Week, you’re going to find it difficult if and when that special someone walks into your life. By contrast, if you make a point of including your child in a wide variety of activities with adults and children, they will not find it so strange to share you should love walk back into your life, some day.
Tags: children, dating, dating after divorce, friends, introducing children to boyfriend, life, love, single-mom, single-mother, specialRelated Stories
POSTED IN: dating
4 opinions for What I think about the poll…
Mrs Pillsbury
Mar 14, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Funny that you should write about this topic today! Earlier on this afternoon, I was thinking about the importance of having people around us. People to have fun with, to grow with, to share feelings, joy and pain with. Worried about the fact that my son is an only child with no father around, I was thinking about his future and how it would be for him to celebrate XMas and other holidays with no family to cheer with. Those thoughts, combined with your comment, just made me realize I really need to make some friends in this city I never quite adopted as mine, whether it’s for me or the sake of my son’s future, I really do need to get out more and create a network of parents/children for us. Thanks to you Solo Mom!
christina
Mar 16, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Mme. P, get yourself to a tribe, toute suite! I hope you find the network you two need. Let me know if you find good groups up there and I’ll give them a plug.
FatSusie
Mar 21, 2008 at 9:55 am
Christina, I just started reading your blog and I’m really enjoying it. I’d love to have you guest post some time in my blog. I answered your poll, but wanted to explain my answer, which was “never mix personal and family time”. It isn’t entirely true–my children have met my beau of 7 years (after we’d been dating for 2 years) and they are familiar enough with him to gab on the phone when he calls, but I really prefer and enjoy being the only grown-up in my house and soon after my divorce made a decision to not remarry/mesh households with someone again until my kids are grown (which is fast approaching). I know this isn’t for everyone, but it works for me and my kids and I love the fact that my home is a bit of a safe and quiet haven for them (as opposed to their father’s home, where they have 3 half-siblings and a stepmom and rarely have a moment alone–I recognize there is value in that as well, but I’m glad they have some balance built in to their lives).
christina
Mar 21, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Hey, Susie, I’d love to. Where’d my email go — hit me up at my sitename over on Gmail.
My life could really swing either way at this point in time. If I were with the right man whose rituals and priorities were in line with mine, I’d be happy to twine our families together. But if I found a man who appealed to me as a woman but not me as a mother and whatnot, I’d be happy to keep him as my candy on the side, without feeling a need to wind him into the regular day of mother and child.
Welcome to SoloMother!
Have an opinion? Leave a comment: