What to do when your kid doesn’t fit in?
As I suspected, the King of Everything is falling through the cracks. Too intellectually advanced for his peers, too emotionally immature to advance to Kindergarten, the KoE is going to be stuck between his rock and his hard place this year. And as a single mother, I can’t afford to put him into a private school or get him after school activities that would fill the gap.
His teacher said he could easily do the work of kindergarten, but she couldn’t recommend he move up a grade because of his outbursts in class.
He’s been screaming his fool head off there when he doesn’t get his way. It never even occurred to me that he would have the guts to pull that stink at school; he does it here with me, on occasion, and with his grandparents, too, sometimes… but I thought there was no way he’d be gutsy enough to try to get away with it at his beloved school.
I don’t know quite what to do. His poor teacher has had to endure his klaxon wail, and unfortunately, there is no rubber room they can put him into when he gets like this. He has done this all his little life: his emotions get too big for him and he blows his top. When he was a teeny little thing, he’d get too excited and he’d lock into this quivering ball of emotion and slowly dig his hands into your face til he tried to rip your lips off. And that was just excitement! In his fury, he screams in an escalating screech that peels paint from the walls and renders the gentlest of souls ready to rip his lips off.
We have tried everything. We have tried time-outs, consequences (”too bad, we spent all this time listening to you howl, now there isn’t time to do such and such”), and ignoring him. We have tried the out in public version of stop, drop and roll: we stop whatever we’re doing, drop all other plans, and roll on home. We have tried reason. We have tried retaliation. We have tried punishment. He has endured the Death Grip and the Fast Walk of Ultimate Shame. The only thing we haven’t done to try to correct this behavior is tan his hide, because I know it won’t work.
I’m so sad for him. He loves the older kids. He’s ready to do their work, and is bored to death in his class–and so he misbehaves, and he gets in trouble, and he doesn’t get to do the big kid stuff, a vicious cycle–but his emotional growth is, unfortunately, not as extraordinary as the rest of him. Sigh. His teacher is a saint, and she is trying to find him a tutor for when the other children have their rest period. I told her that last year, his teacher simply sent him to sit in the sixth grade class. She lets him help her and be a Team Leader as often as she can without singling him out for special attention, and he soaks it up. But it’s not enough to stop him from throwing a fit when he doesn’t get what he wants.
We’re going to do a baby boot camp with him, my parents and I. We’re going to focus on helping him express his feelings when they get all jammed up inside. One thing he used to take to as a toddler was drawing his angries out. I’d give him a big sheet of paper and a bunch of crayons and such, and he’d scribble and scrawl, sometimes ripping through the paper, he was so furious and vigorous, until all his angries were on the paper. Then, we’d make a big production of him wadding up the paper, or ripping it up, and throwing the angries away. He laughed when I suggested it to him, again, as a way of managing his anger, and I’ll be damned if he didn’t look embarrassed at the thought of doing such a thing in his classroom! And yet, becoming the class banshee, being banned to the coat closet, isn’t embarrassing enough for him??
Somehow, he’s going to learn to express his own feelings and not suck his fellow humans into his whirling vortex of ‘have not gots’. We really have tried everything, and when I told his teacher today that the only thing we hadn’t tried is corporal punishment, she was glad to hear it. She agrees that spanking this kid just isn’t the way to go.
What should I do??
Tags: discipline, single-mom, single-mother, temper-tantrumsRelated Stories
POSTED IN: education
11 opinions for What to do when your kid doesn’t fit in?
Carrie
Oct 9, 2007 at 10:01 pm
My friends son has the same problem, all this anger he just doesn’t know how to deal with. If you took that little issue away he is the mot darling boy - much like yours =)
We have been racking our brains trying to think of anything that will work - punching pillows, ripping paper, crashing brick towers… it’s all kind of temporary though…
She is taking her son to a child psychologist, so I’ll let you know what they suggest!!
Keep up the good work though, your son is a real sweetheart.
On Oprah once I heard that anger is never the issue, it is always a symptom of something else - like being sad, or hurt, or something else…
Also have you ever thought that if he was with the bigger kids he’d have more going on in his brain that he needs, so he’d be too busy to have the little incidents? I don’t know =) But I’ll let you know what the psych says it might help =D
christina
Oct 9, 2007 at 10:17 pm
Let me know
I know why he’s doing it. He’s angry when he’s hurt, disappointed. I do it too. Only I don’t scream. He needs to get a better vocabulary for expressing his feelings. I need to find the way to help him grow.
ratphooey
Oct 9, 2007 at 11:00 pm
I went to a seminar at #1’s preschool just this past weekend about the topic of anger management in the wee ones.
The goal is to get them to express their frustration in words, rather than in screaming tantrums or hitting/biting.
I actually like the advice given on an episode of Blue’s Clues - Stop; Breathe; Think. If you practice it often enough with them when they are calm, sooner or later they are able to do it when they get angry.
Mr. Rogers always had good advice about this topic - there’s a DVD collection of his stuff called “What do you do with the mad that you feel?” that’s worth seeing, both with and without your child.
navi
Oct 10, 2007 at 8:19 am
public schools have special ed services. Special ed services are NOT just for those who are academically challenged. They are for those who are challenged in other ways. They tried holding my daughter back because of her behavior, and decided that was the wrong thing to do, and transitioned her into the correct grade.
They then set up special ed services and coined her ‘emotionally impaired’ (she needs the label to get the services)
She works with a social worker once a week. She also goes to the resource room 4 days a week, and they have a plan set up (4th grade has proven a challenge - she was doing really well the last couple of years) so that she can go to the resource room or office if the resource room teacher isn’t there if she becomes a problem in the classroom.
You also haven’t mentioned trying positive reinforcement. Reward him for good days - no good days - no reward. works fairly well with my daughter, as it gives her something to look forward to. He’s intelligent, but he gets stuck. He’s old enough for you to talk with him about his issues - when he’s not having them.
http://www.causeonline.org/ Michigan has CAUSE, if you need help.. I’m sure your area probably has something similar.
Kelly
Oct 10, 2007 at 11:24 am
My daughter went throught the same thing. She has long outgrown it, if that is any consolation (she’s 11). She used to throw massive fits when things didn’t go her way, to the point where I sometimes had to hold her down to keep her from hurting herself or others. She would also throw herself on the floor face first, and her teacher worried she was going to break her nose.
I think your “drawing the angries out” thing is such a cute idea, but I guess he’s not too interested in that, huh? I used to have Casey beat up pillows.
I think giving him extra things to do would help (though it looks like she may already be doing that). My daughter used to get in trouble because she’d finish her work before everyone else, get bored and start to cause trouble. Her gifted teacher (she went there one day a week) eventually started sending work to her regular class, and her teacher would give that to her so she’d stay occupied. It worked really well.
Good luck!
Rachel
Oct 10, 2007 at 2:37 pm
Hi Christina,
Thanks for the honest, open post.
Have you looked into a scholarship for a private school for the KoE?… You’re so resourceful!!
In the meantime, you’re SUCH a great mama. I’ve taken some parenting workshops with this amazing educator, re: how to deal with your child’s feelings (I have quite a spirited kid, too!).
Please see what you think, these articles have helped me a lot:
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/000000/000028.htm
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/000000/000035.htm
xo,
Rachel
Amy
Oct 10, 2007 at 10:21 pm
He might find it a little dorky… but how about puppets? To act out how he’s feeling? Or toys? Kinda like a play therapy?
I also agree with the Mr. Rogers video idea (I love him!!)
And yes, I also agree with the child psychologist idea. You know, you can be the best, most in tune parent to your child — but you’re still the parent. They can pick up stuff & get kids to talk about/do stuff that parents just plain can’t.
Leah Klungness
Oct 11, 2007 at 2:38 pm
There are so many terrific ideas offered by other moms.
Please know that federal law provides services for all types of children with special needs.
Here’s my advice: Request in writing that your son be evaluated and use the results of that evaluation to determine what programs the public school offers that most appropriately meets your son’s needs. This does not mean a “special class” necessarily, but could include counseling and specific help with anger management.
Keeping your son out of kindergarten is a poor idea based on lots of research. The teacher is not offering appropriate advice. How is he going to be better able to control his feelings/actions in another year unless he get the appropriate help? It is a mistake to think that kids will just “grow out of it”.
Private school is no magic answer. BTW, the Supreme Court just decided that public schools are responsible to pay for private school placements for children with special needs (This is somewhat of an oversimplification).
It takes courage to refer your child for an evaluation because it means you may hear findings and recommendations that will be difficult to hear. Money or special connections are not required, however. These services are free. Absolutely free.
Mamamia
Oct 15, 2007 at 3:12 pm
Sounds like he’s angry that he’s so smart. I don’t mean he wants to be dumb; I mean being sooo developed in one way makes everything and everyone else around you seem painfully underdeveloped. So painful it makes you angry.
I think I can relate as a (one-time) kid, and as a mother. I hope some of this is helpful.
My IQ’s around 136, my teachers wanted to let me skip 4th grade except for my social skills. I threw fits thru 3rd grade. Looking back I think it was like what you describe. One of the things that hurt most was that my mother punished me when I wanted comfort. To this day (OK, 2 summers ago when we talked about it) she could not see how she could have comforted me, told me she loved me, just been with me through the confusing hurt and anger without condoning the behavior. I have a lot of issues about her being unable to love me that you don’t need to deal with, but I do encourage you to make sure your boy knows what you told us–that you hurt for him, that you love him even when this happens. (Note I didn’t say ‘when he does this’–it may well feel to him like a thing that happens TO him, sneaks up and whams him)
My 1-yr-old son WAILED when his tower of blocks fell down. Now he’s 5 and still gets really worked up when “it”, whatever “it” is at the moment, doesn’t work. Mia Hamm’s book “Winners never quit” helped for a while. Lots of loving seems to help. (We still nurse. He’ll often use it to regain his composure, then return to whatever wasn’t working and be able to do it peacefully and happily.)
You say you’ve tried everything, but I don’t see comforting him through his perceived failures anywhere in your list. You might want to peruse Cohen’s book “Playful Parenting”. I was so proud the other day when my son’s teacher told me about him encouraging a classmate who was angry and giving up writing his own name. My son didn’t tell him not to cry or to change any “outside” behaviors; he said that if the other child would practice, he’d get better at it, and would soon do it really well. I still work at getting him to put that into practice in his own life, but at least he’s got it at some level. Your little one can get there too. Just be sure he knows he’s wonderful aside from the smartness, that you’d love him stupid, or naked, or however you want to express not being caught up in the trappings of the world and jsut being his inner self. From my own childhood and observations of my son, I think it can be hard to have a good self-image when you’re smart–is that all there is to you? What if you loose your smarts? If you can’t figure something out are you a fraud, to be reviled? It probably wouldn’t be hard for your son to imagine the smartness going away, but might be a wonderful treat for him to know how precious he would still be to you.
One last thing–children’s books that deal with hard emotions. “When Sophie gets angry” and “If you’re angry and you know it” for starters. From what you say, they’re probably below his reading level, but emotionally he might be at the right spot for them.
I’ve been really blunt. I hope I didn’t sound like I was accusing you at any point. In your post it’s really evident that you love him and want to help him. I’m trying to support that.
What I did when my kid didn’t fit in…
Oct 15, 2007 at 4:14 pm
[…] didn’t comment on all your wonderful notes regarding the King of Everything’s difficulties at school, mostly because I was so overwhelmed by the depth of information and the breadth of compassion you […]
angel
Oct 15, 2007 at 4:26 pm
oh christina…
my son is an ADHDer so i know all about one’s kidlet not fitting in and or falling through the cracks…
i do hope you find some kind of solution soon.
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