Solo Mother

When child support becomes a bribe

by christina on July 13th, 2007

Had an epiphany today that might take a while to sink in for divorced parents: child support isn’t a bribe, it’s not contingent upon being able to see your child, or vice versa. Single moms, do not feel as though, just because your ex finally payed up on child support that you are obligated to go beyond the custodial agreement to which the two of you have agreed. Otherwise known as, don’t let money make you feel obligated to do something which which you’re not comfortable.

I hadn’t realized I was fostering that attitude in my own head, but now that it’s out in the open and I can examine it on all sides, I can recognize it for what it really is: victim mentality. Think about it. Your ex doesn’t pay child support for a while, and suddenly is at your doorstep with a fat check and an out of the ordinary request concerning the child you had together. Listen very closely to the small voices inside your head and heart. What is your internal conversation discussing? Are you thinking it was ‘nice’ of your ex to finally pay? Are you thinking you ‘have’ to let him see your child on an off weekend or let him fly to Zimbabwe with the one year old for three weeks? Do you feel guilty for standing up for what’s best for your child? These are definite signs that you’re being manipulated into going against your better judgement. To be fair, sometimes, the ex isn’t trying to manipulate you: you’re just wrestling with the voices in your head that tell you what you have learned as a child, the deep grooves that also tell you if you are attractive or plain, smart or stupid, loved or worthless.

Listen very closely, too, when you start to say, ‘No’ to your ex when it comes to special privileges for your ex. Why are you saying no? Is it to hurt your former spouse, or is it because what he wants to do is not in the best interests of the child? Do not use your child as a weapon of revenge against your ex. But don’t let the fact that your ex is finally stepping up to the plate guilt you into compromising your child’s mental, emotional, or physical well-being.

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