When they say divorce is bad for the kids, to whom are they referring?
Based on my very unscientific knowledge of how divorce affects families, and the children within them, I am beginning to question the data that’s out there descrying divorce and predicting doom and gloom for the children of ‘broken’ homes. I’m wondering… just who are they talking to? Cause from what I’m hearing from you folks here on SoloMother, life is much better for everyone involved, even with the added pressures and struggles of being a single parent. Some of us come from abusive relationships, and some of us were replaced by younger models.
I have to ask: who are They talking to? What socio-economic group is being interviewed for these studies? Is it a class thing? Is it racial? Is it the difference between coastal and fly-over living here in the U.S.? Are the studies about American families, European families, or check the other box?
And another thing: are they studying families without any kind of support, or are they studying divorced families who take a more tribal approach to raising children? Are they talking about low income families or millionaires? Are they studying women who wanted to get divorced, or women who were dumped? Children who have no extended family, or children who live near loving blood relatives and close friends who take an interest in the kid’s well-being?
From where I’m sitting, most of us seem to be in better shape as single mothers than we were as married women, and our children are benefitting greatly from our happiness, confidence, and mental/physical health. Am I just way off base here? Are we the exception that proves the rule?
Tags: divorce, divorce-studies, impact-of-divorce-on-children, kids, single-mom, single-mommy, single-mother
15 opinions for When they say divorce is bad for the kids, to whom are they referring?
Gloria
May 28, 2007 at 12:12 am
interesting point Christina! from where I’m sitting, as long as the separated/divorce parents take good care of their children, as long as the mothers who usually take custody of the kids do a good job in raising them…kids do just fine despite the divorce or separation.
America
May 28, 2007 at 12:35 am
My ex was a child of divorce and I blame some of our own fallout on the lack of a relationship role model in his life (not ALL, I will take much culpability too - but the things about him that triggered me really came out of his “broken home”). He didn’t really get the view of give and take that a marriage is composed of and I could feel that in our own relationship.
My father always is concerned that my son doesn’t get to see adults expressing affection towards each other. He gets plenty of affection himself, but he never sees mommy interacting with the opposite sex (though he has seen me practice tango, so maybe that will suffice). One wonders what effect that will have.
I do know, however, that the current situation, while not the ideal of two loving parents in the same home, is, as you said, so much healthier for him than the reality that was his father and my relationship. Talk about a warped view of human relationships… He never saw any affection between adults when his father and I were living together anyway.
Christina Rowe
May 28, 2007 at 12:59 am
I think it is very damaging to a child to have two parents who fight all of time. A child who feels secure and loved by his parents will do very well in a single parent home. Especially if the parent without custody provides financial and emotional support.
If the parents are still bitter to one another after the divorce or one parent does not pay child support or see the kids, then the children suffer the effects of the divorce.
I just found this blog and think it is great. It can be so difficult sometimes being a single mom. This is a great resource of helpful information.
Christina Rowe
Author of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce
http://www.secretsofdivorce.com
christina
May 28, 2007 at 7:24 am
Gloria, I do hope it really is as simple as that.
christina
May 28, 2007 at 7:27 am
America! The worst, isn’t it? I had a husband who refused to hold my hand, was cold as ice to me in public, never kissed me hello, and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t more accomodating in bed. Um. Foreplay means more that ‘Hello, baby’
Grin. Seriously. The relationship my child witnesses had me running for our lives. I couldn’t imagine what that kid would turn out to be if we stayed and he modelled his life on what he’d seen. I’d love to find a great guy, but I’m not holding my breath. I’m sorry your husband had issues surrounding his own parents’ divorce.
christina
May 28, 2007 at 7:30 am
Christina, thanks for visiting SoloMother! I’m curious about your book, now. It seems to have slipped past me. I have been talking to a variety of men lately whose ex’s are holding on to the child for deal life and denying the fathers adequate time with them. I think that’s just so sad.
Thanks for the compliment — I feel as though SoloMother is sometimes my spot to pour out my heart, so I’m glad someone thinks it’s got some helpful advice, too.
Tiffany
May 28, 2007 at 12:45 pm
I couldn’t agree with you more! I am so thankful I found your blog it has been very comforting to know, in this sometimes isolating situation, that I am not alone in the day to day struggles that comes with being a single mom. This site has definitely been a source of comfort & humor to get me through one of the most difficult times in my life.
I lived my life in limbo for almost 2 years, prior to making a decision to leave my loveless marriage…I haven’t looked back since! I know now it was the best decision for me and my son. The fact is your kids benefit the most when you are happy and can give them 110%.
Thanks again solo mom!
angel
May 28, 2007 at 3:24 pm
you make an excellent point c, i’ve read some about divorce, but never having been through it i haven’t researched it or anything.
i agree with what i’ve read to a point- in that it can’t be easy for anyone involved and it is painful and sad. but divorce more often than not ends a bad relationship and i honestly think (IMHO) that things can only get better from there…
Joanne
May 29, 2007 at 10:25 am
I did in doubt when I become a single mother myself, but now I feel better without having to worry who he slept with before he comes home, need not to tolerance the coldness and irrespectful manner from him. Even then, I feel sorry to my children when they told me how much they miss their father and how sad they can’t live together with him.
I think at some point it’s good to both my children and me, at another point children do feel lost by having their father departed from thier life, partly or fully.
Still, I choose to heal myself to become a happy person, so that the stress to my children will be lesser. I believe this is the best thing we can do to help our children growth.
christina
May 29, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Good luck Joanne. I hope you find the happiness you seek. Let me know how you’re doing, please!
christina
May 29, 2007 at 3:01 pm
Tiffany, welcome to Solomother. I’m glad you’re finding a way to make this single motherhood thing work. It’s hard. But yes, when the children are happier than they were with a whole family, you have to stop and wonder…
keep in touch, let me know how you’re doing as you make your way.
christina
May 29, 2007 at 3:03 pm
*waves to Angel* hallo, sweets. You have a different set of problems to deal with. At least you don’t have to deal with the divorce part of single parenthood!
Tracee Sioux
May 29, 2007 at 3:27 pm
I guess I’ll be the first to say that I think divorce is bad for kids, some kids, most kids, I don’t know for sure my kids. But, when I recently separated from my husband and got close to divorce I knew it would be Terrible and Heartbreaking for my daughter.
See she has the same fanatasy I have. The whole nuclear family happiness thing. When daddy moved out she absolutely didn’t want to give up her daddy living in our house. She cried every single night. Her heart broke for her dad when she was with me and it broke over the weekend when she was with him. She was utterly devastated. It was unfair because she loved us both equally. She wanted the family to work, but she couldn’t control any of it. She wanted to be the peacemaker, but she had so little power to make peace between us.
I would say that divorce would have been bad for her.
We’re back together and I hope we never come close to divorce again. I don’t think anyone would win - neither he nor I or our kids - if we did divorce. I think we would live and move on and eventually find happiness. But none of us would win because we’d all be stuck with each other anyway.
Tracee at http://www.blogfabulous.com and http://www.traceesioux.blogspot.com .
Kelly
May 29, 2007 at 5:00 pm
I think it all comes down to how it’s handled. Sure divorce is bad on the kids when their parents badmouth each other to the child and fight in front of them. But if it’s handled well, things can be a lot better in a single parent home.
I was never married to my daughter’s father, but if I was, her life would have been a lot more turbulent. We would have fought all the time, and I would have been miserable. I love the way things are now. It’s just the two of us, which has caused us to become extremely close. I think I spend more quality time with her than a lot of stay at home moms do, because the time we do have together is that much more precious.
Also, a belated happy birthday to you!
JenniferW
May 29, 2007 at 5:29 pm
I didn’t get to read the actual study to which you are referring, but I’m sure it’s similar to the previous ones out there.
I’d have to say they’re speaking from an economic standpoint the kids suffer. Since poor children don’t have the advantages that even middle class children have. If a divorce is better for families in the emotional or physical department, that’s great. I know where I am currently, divorce has put me in a worse situation financially and safety-wise. It caused me to have to move in with a family member who I found out has been doing things that are dangerous to herself and others. Because I have no other support system to rely on, my baby and I will be entering a transitional housing program for homeless single moms. My ex could care less. Obviously there’s more to it than that…isn’t there always?
So while the divorce I’m dealing with is better for my son in that he doesn’t see me and his dad not get along, it’s worse because we’re financially beyond poor. Not only that but we’re stuck living with someone who has ‘issues’. BUT I don’t think that financial stress is an excuse for a parent to not try to give their kid the best opportunities available! I just worry about how I’m going to explain his dad’s indifference to my son later, and how it will affect him.
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