You Think This is Easy? Realism?
Listen up. I make this look good. If you asked my friends and family, they’d tell you I’m doing fantastically well for myself, in great spirits, up and upbeat and…
Want to know the truth? I’m tense most of the time. An inner voice inside me is screaming in fury and frustration over the way things are right now. I need to find a babysitter and get out, even if it’s just to go sit in the park across the street for three hours and cry.
Let’s assess, shall we?
- My husband isn’t paying much in child support, less than half of what the District of Columbia would order him to. Even better? He still hasn’t paid any for this month. I also have not received payment for the last assignments I did in Dubai, though he keeps telling me he’s picked up checks, checks are in the bank, checks are clearing. $2000 in invoices due is a lot of money right now.
- I found a wonderful apartment a few weeks ago. It was $200/month less than my maximum, was in an old house that had been converted to four units. It was on the ground floor, with a back door to the yard, a small living room, eat in kitchen, and had an extra room that could have been a very small dining room or a toy and art room for me and the kid. He could have had a bike with training wheels. He could have had a Radio Flyer and kept it in this extra room to tear out the back door with on weekends. But, it was suggested to me that I should not rent anything before the beginning of November. I haven’t seen anything remotely like that since.
- I dont have a full-time job. I’ve been waiting all this week to hear about an assignment that was advertised as 6-8 weeks, but could be only two weeks. She still hasn’t decided on me or the other candidate. This means that the work I did last week at $40/hour is now worth only $20/hour. I can’t live on $20/hour.
- I finally looked up my credit report. Guess who never bothered to pay the hospital bills for the birth of his son? Guess who has somehow caused a tax lien of almost $2000 to appear in my name?
- One of my temping firms hasn’t found me any assignments yet. I only signed up with two agencies.
- I’m getting burned out on my kid.
- I’m still living with friends of friends.
- I can’t afford to buy myself any new clothes. Most of the clothes that were gifted to me need alterations. If I don’t get the assignment, I can’t afford to get the clothes tailored and dry cleaned. I am pear shaped. It is impossible to find pants that fit.
There’s a whole lot more, but if I start bitching then I’m going to sound Ungrateful. And one of the hardest things about where I am now, firmly wedged between the rock and the hard place, is being appropriately, adequately grateful. All the time. I am. I am. But sometimes I start feeling as though I should be Patheticly Grateful. I walk on eggshells and wonder if the everyday strife and blowups and lifeness of it all is somehow caused by the inconvenience my presence must present. The obligations other people are under to Be Nice to me, and Help Out. Part of me is getting cranky.
We need our own home. I need a good job.
And then we’ll have a wonderful place to put Other People’s Stuff, with perhaps enough left over to buy myself a luxury or two.
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POSTED IN: budget, child support, debt, divorce, finances, sanity, separation
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