you’ve both got it rough.
I don’t get a break. There is no one to whom I can pass the buck. I am end-all be-all in my son’s life. There is no father to trade off with. It’s hard. I have to console my son when he’s sad his father isn’t with us. I have to put up pictures of my ex-husband and make sure there’s one in the boy’s backpack. I have to be enthusiastic and reassure him that his father does, indeed, love him. I’m the one who deals with the child’s fears, his anger, his sadness at the broken family he suddenly has to deal with. His questions are hard to answer, his pain makes me feel like the Worst. Mother. Ever. And I don’t get any me time. (When was the last time I went to the toilet by myself? I don’t remember.)
But then, my (ex)husband doesn’t get any of the day to day interaction I do, doesn’t get to come home at ten at night and kiss a sleeping boy. My son won’t talk to his father on the telephone. Whose job is harder? I don’t know. We’ve agreed not to get into a pissing contest to decide that one. It’s just hard, hard for all three of us, and while I don’t want to have to consider my ex’s feelings, one of the harsh realities of divorce is…
you’re still stuck with each other.
So my advice to you this misty misty Thursday morning is: be nice. Play fair. If you can’t do it for yourselves, then do it for your children.
Or do I have to count to three? Cause if I get to three, you’re both going into time outs.
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POSTED IN: blame, divorce, separation, spouse
9 opinions for you’ve both got it rough.
Kate
Oct 12, 2006 at 3:11 pm
You are not the worst mother ever. There are so many truly awful parents in the world and so few excellent ones to compare oneself to.
I’d say, if you’ve got time for one more cuddle, you and and sometimes sad boy are going to be OK.
Steve
Oct 13, 2006 at 1:23 pm
Hi there Christina and welcome to b5..
My sister is a solo mother. I get the inside scoup of her ups and downs…
christina
Oct 18, 2006 at 8:52 am
Hi Steve! If your sister has any wisdom or rants, I’d love to hear them.
dorene
Oct 19, 2006 at 3:58 pm
Every entry I’ve read so far hits me where it hurts. Been there, done that, doing it. I was going to write an entry tonight about sharing in your kids accomplishments when the other parent gets to show up and brag, but not do any of the parenting.
It’s tough to be a solo mom.
christina
Oct 19, 2006 at 4:04 pm
Dorene, I don’t have much advice for you except a small reminder: it’s important for your dental health to unclench your teeth every once in a while. And double check every once in a while to make sure you didnt’ actually say what you were thinking *out loud*.
Your kids aren’t stupid. They know which parent actually stepped up.
dorene
Oct 19, 2006 at 5:03 pm
Were you there spying on me? lol How did you know I had my teeth clenched the whole time, especially when his girlfriend, who my daughter has met maybe 4 times total, was yelling dd’s name and carrying on like “she” was her mother.
You’d think it would get easier at some point……
christina
Oct 22, 2006 at 12:17 am
I don’t think it necessarily gets easier, though I hope it does. I just think we get better at coping with the curveballs and can think better on our feet. My high school motto was, “Function in disaster, finish in style.” And that’s what I’m doing.
red
Nov 19, 2006 at 11:15 pm
I would like to tell you that I think you are a special person to be able to do what you are doing. I give you a lot of credit to be able to put aside what you feel to make sure you let your child know about his father.
It is hard I will admit that. But you do not want your child to ever think that their other parent doesn’t love them. It is so hard on the children
I would like to tell you that I am proud of you for being able to put your child first. I am sure you will never regret it. Working it out with the ex is always tough.
christina
Nov 20, 2006 at 10:18 am
When we were snuggling last night, my son had all sorts of questions about loving and liking. Usually he’s trying to work out why his father and I aren’t together anymore. I just keep telling him that it’s ok to love his papa, that he shouldn’t ever feel he can’t love his papa just because his parents don’t get along.
The scary thought for kids is, ‘if my parents can stop loving each other, then they can stop loving me.’ I try very hard to let him know this just can’t happen.
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